seasons change too...
...ok so i started the following entry yesterday-----deep breath, whew....here goes.
Well it doesn't necessarily make it any easier for me to write this entry seeing as how she is typing to me via AIM...now...of course. and she's asking about Catherine....and why do I even bother with her sometimes-----really?
Really???----for the same reason I continue to bother with you! In hopes that I still have a friend at the end of the day!
Go away.
That's how I feel. Just go go go away. Figure yourself out. I feel that you are selfish, cruel, and very very immature. Old soul my ass. Go enjoy cloud nine and the pleasure of dick and penetration, the company of men once more. But do not, I repeat....do not think about coming back to me again.
***Well after a cold shower I realize, that could have been a bit harsh. But is it? Sure maybe because I'm putting it online, but what is the difference really? Her over-exaggerating her happiness via away messages and myspace and livejournal, and my over-exaggerating my angst/pain on here as well. Same difference I think I'm choosing to deal with this NOW, the way that I need to, so that I don't find myself having to do so later. I think you can surround yourself with friends and jobs and school all day long, but someday things may just get quiet and you realize that you've spent a lifetime not dealing. I have been a serial-monogamist for the past 4 years....so trust me....this is one thing that I do know at the end of the day.***
So here's how it goes. I live alone with two cats---I'm lonely with a touch of melancholy. She's busy and surrounded by people and family and friends and roommates and new loves and is completely wonderful. "On cloud nine" as she puts it oh-so-stabbingly in away messages (over abundance of smiley faces abound). And you wonder..."Where did I go wrong?"
But that's where you HAVE to STOP YOURSELF. You didn't go wrong. If anything you both went wrong, straying different paths at different times and not communicating. However you still feel absolutely the VERY LEAST at fault. And in your latest theory....she knows just how much she loves(d) you and is in love with you(?) and never stopped loving you(?)----the only difference is that she spent the whole summer convincing herself how straight her family was, and how straight she was, and how once she got back to Austin, she would absolutely NOT let herself slip back into this. The one thing that made so little sense to her, but most of the time, made all the sense in the world. Just one touch....one second of soft lips grazing soft lips, breasts embracing breasts, eager arms and gentle fingers and hands.....and it would be all wrong all over again. So wonderful and loving and soft and pure but so so so wrong. So it's back to the cookie-cutter kingdom for my lovely queen.
So what do I do in the meantime? My "T" key has stopped working properly on the laptop, and a part of me wishes tttttttttto god that itttttt's (jesus already) battery would spontaneously combust like the ones I've been seeing on TV as of late.
Information overload.
Just call it already.
"Make War"
Our love is dead but without limit
like the surface of the moon,
or the land between here and the mountains.
Well, it is not these hiding places
that have kept us innocent,
but the way you taught me to just let it all go by.
And so we've learned to be as faithless
stand behind bulletproof glass,
exchanging our affections through a drawer.
And it was always horribly convenient,
and happening too fast.
You should count your change before you're even out the door.
Yes, you should but please....
Return, return to the person that you were.
And I will do the same.
Cause it's too hard to belong to someone who is gone.
My compass spins, the wilderness remains.
Once too often, I have retreated
into the depths of my despair.
I built a barricade to block you on the road.
But standing here with all of my possessions,
piled higher than a house,
I felt closer to you than you ever would have known.
So let these tiny acts of charity
become a common ground of which to build
a monument to commemorate our time.
And though, you say, you've found another
who will surely speed you on your way,
don't let the forest grow over that path you came there by.
But you will, so....
So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And blind him with your kindness.
And he'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
Well, now, I tell myself I've mended
under these patches of blue sky.
There are still a few holes that let in a little rain.
And so it is crying on my shingles.
My floorboards moan under my feet.
The refrigerator is whining, so I've got reason to complain.
But I am not gonna bless you with such compliments,
some degrading psalm of praise,
like the kind that converted you to me so long ago.
Because the truth is that gossip's
as good as gospel in this town.
You can save face but you won't ever save your soul.
And that's a fact.
So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And tie him up in your likeness,
and he'll become, become the prisoner I was.
And know all that has spoiled in your heart.
And know all that has spoiled in your heart.
So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And blind him with your kindness.
And he'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
Yeah, he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
...Eh, I don't know. It's 9:42 and I guess I'm going to give up on this one. I guess I shouldn't have wandered across the street for a McDonald's double cheeseburger and McValue fries. They sure were mighty delicious though.
All I know is that things don't feel quite right. If everything is wonderful and she is as happy as she makes herself out to be, then good for her. Maybe that's the glory of being 21....being able to live and let live and not give a fuck and shut out all the not-so-good.
However, I am almost 26, and can't help but feel duped. No my "M" key is not broken...duped.
But you know...I guess I do feel dumped as well.
Here's to a new day at dawn.
and now the following is from today.....
Grocery shopping and messages from old friends and campus priorities and on and on and the horizon looks far away but I know that it is good. And the clouds are heavy but the silver lining is the rain and it is washing washing all of this away.
And I smoke a cigarette now on the stoop when it gets dark and it makes the night somehow a little less lonely.
Here's to a fridge full of food, new friends and classes, and eventually one day....a new deserving love.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well it doesn't necessarily make it any easier for me to write this entry seeing as how she is typing to me via AIM...now...of course. and she's asking about Catherine....and why do I even bother with her sometimes-----really?
Really???----for the same reason I continue to bother with you! In hopes that I still have a friend at the end of the day!
Go away.
That's how I feel. Just go go go away. Figure yourself out. I feel that you are selfish, cruel, and very very immature. Old soul my ass. Go enjoy cloud nine and the pleasure of dick and penetration, the company of men once more. But do not, I repeat....do not think about coming back to me again.
***Well after a cold shower I realize, that could have been a bit harsh. But is it? Sure maybe because I'm putting it online, but what is the difference really? Her over-exaggerating her happiness via away messages and myspace and livejournal, and my over-exaggerating my angst/pain on here as well. Same difference I think I'm choosing to deal with this NOW, the way that I need to, so that I don't find myself having to do so later. I think you can surround yourself with friends and jobs and school all day long, but someday things may just get quiet and you realize that you've spent a lifetime not dealing. I have been a serial-monogamist for the past 4 years....so trust me....this is one thing that I do know at the end of the day.***
So here's how it goes. I live alone with two cats---I'm lonely with a touch of melancholy. She's busy and surrounded by people and family and friends and roommates and new loves and is completely wonderful. "On cloud nine" as she puts it oh-so-stabbingly in away messages (over abundance of smiley faces abound). And you wonder..."Where did I go wrong?"
But that's where you HAVE to STOP YOURSELF. You didn't go wrong. If anything you both went wrong, straying different paths at different times and not communicating. However you still feel absolutely the VERY LEAST at fault. And in your latest theory....she knows just how much she loves(d) you and is in love with you(?) and never stopped loving you(?)----the only difference is that she spent the whole summer convincing herself how straight her family was, and how straight she was, and how once she got back to Austin, she would absolutely NOT let herself slip back into this. The one thing that made so little sense to her, but most of the time, made all the sense in the world. Just one touch....one second of soft lips grazing soft lips, breasts embracing breasts, eager arms and gentle fingers and hands.....and it would be all wrong all over again. So wonderful and loving and soft and pure but so so so wrong. So it's back to the cookie-cutter kingdom for my lovely queen.
So what do I do in the meantime? My "T" key has stopped working properly on the laptop, and a part of me wishes tttttttttto god that itttttt's (jesus already) battery would spontaneously combust like the ones I've been seeing on TV as of late.
Information overload.
Just call it already.
"Make War"
Our love is dead but without limit
like the surface of the moon,
or the land between here and the mountains.
Well, it is not these hiding places
that have kept us innocent,
but the way you taught me to just let it all go by.
And so we've learned to be as faithless
stand behind bulletproof glass,
exchanging our affections through a drawer.
And it was always horribly convenient,
and happening too fast.
You should count your change before you're even out the door.
Yes, you should but please....
Return, return to the person that you were.
And I will do the same.
Cause it's too hard to belong to someone who is gone.
My compass spins, the wilderness remains.
Once too often, I have retreated
into the depths of my despair.
I built a barricade to block you on the road.
But standing here with all of my possessions,
piled higher than a house,
I felt closer to you than you ever would have known.
So let these tiny acts of charity
become a common ground of which to build
a monument to commemorate our time.
And though, you say, you've found another
who will surely speed you on your way,
don't let the forest grow over that path you came there by.
But you will, so....
So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And blind him with your kindness.
And he'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
Well, now, I tell myself I've mended
under these patches of blue sky.
There are still a few holes that let in a little rain.
And so it is crying on my shingles.
My floorboards moan under my feet.
The refrigerator is whining, so I've got reason to complain.
But I am not gonna bless you with such compliments,
some degrading psalm of praise,
like the kind that converted you to me so long ago.
Because the truth is that gossip's
as good as gospel in this town.
You can save face but you won't ever save your soul.
And that's a fact.
So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And tie him up in your likeness,
and he'll become, become the prisoner I was.
And know all that has spoiled in your heart.
And know all that has spoiled in your heart.
So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And blind him with your kindness.
And he'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
Yeah, he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
...Eh, I don't know. It's 9:42 and I guess I'm going to give up on this one. I guess I shouldn't have wandered across the street for a McDonald's double cheeseburger and McValue fries. They sure were mighty delicious though.
All I know is that things don't feel quite right. If everything is wonderful and she is as happy as she makes herself out to be, then good for her. Maybe that's the glory of being 21....being able to live and let live and not give a fuck and shut out all the not-so-good.
However, I am almost 26, and can't help but feel duped. No my "M" key is not broken...duped.
But you know...I guess I do feel dumped as well.
Here's to a new day at dawn.
and now the following is from today.....
Grocery shopping and messages from old friends and campus priorities and on and on and the horizon looks far away but I know that it is good. And the clouds are heavy but the silver lining is the rain and it is washing washing all of this away.
And I smoke a cigarette now on the stoop when it gets dark and it makes the night somehow a little less lonely.
Here's to a fridge full of food, new friends and classes, and eventually one day....a new deserving love.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------