Letters Without Destinations.
dear self,
the next person you date will be so excited to have found you.
he will understand why you haven't messed around with anyone in 11 months. because you know there wouldn't be a point, not for you. he will respect that you stayed home and read books, and watched 30 Rock, and slept with your cat instead of strange boys. he will not think you are lame or antisocial or an agoraphobe for this choice. he will understand that this was the time you needed to learn yourself. and he will love this person you are.
he will be smart but enjoy televised sports and this time, when he teaches you the rules, you will listen, rather than straddling him and thinking about what you will do to him when the period is over.
you will discuss the movies you have seen and he will be able to both enjoy the movie and deconstruct it objectively.
he will enjoy warm beverages in bed. and you will watch whole tv series on dvd. you'll be bored together sometimes, and it will be nice to just be with someone without having to plan it all out in advance.
you'll go out with friends who you will make into your own friends, too. because you have things to say. because you feel less scared to say them now.
he will argue with you about the things that matter to him. things will matter to him.
he will look kind of like your American Lit prof.
okay, that probably won't happen.
but he will be someone like that. he will be one of those people you never let yourself aim for, because they are too intellectual or too attractive. he will be better than the drunk boys you give your phone number to at parties.
and you will find each other this time. and there won't be any rescuing because no one will need it. you will just be together, because you should be, and it will be so pretty.
this will happen. because you are not going to allow anything less.
love,
you.
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Dear Self,
Why do I always do this? I let myself fall way to fast for someone I shouldn't even like.
I never identified with Jake from Twilight. I always hated him in fact. To me, in the story, he was trying to replace Edward. He was the one standing in the way of the happy ending...but now I relate more with him than anyone else. He was the one who was there picking up the pieces of Bella's broken heart when Edward left her. He fell so hard for her, and she was too busy missing Edward to realize that she loved him too.
"When he left, you spent all your energy holding on to him. You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me."
Jacob Black
, Eclipse
,
"He’s like a drug for you, Bella. I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
Jacob Black
, Eclipse
,
"I’ll always be waiting in the wings, Bella. You’ll always have that spare option if you want it."
Jacob Black
, Eclipse
"I bet you don't even realize what a mess you were then...I remember how you always used to have your arms wrapped around yourself, trying to hold yourself together...It's hard for me to remember how sad you were, and it wasn't my fault..."
Jacob Black
, Eclipse
I hate that he's gotten himself to tangled up in this girl. I hate even worse that he loves her. He loves her so much. She left him, told him she was dating someone else, and then calls and tells him she still loves him? Does she understand what she's doing to him? She says she loves him...she says she cares...but why am I the one comforting him when he's drank too much because he's upset over her? Why am I the one who he has to come to looking for consolation and strength and some kind of promise that things will be okay when she tells him that she loves him?I like him...I don't love him. I don't know if it's just the fact that he needs me as much as I need him or what...we're both broken. He told me that I'm one of the only people that he can really talk to about this stuff because I won't judge him, and I'm real with him. I'm not going to lie or pad the truth. And I have to say, it's hard.
Love,
Me.
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Silly, silly girls.