(no subject)
I did a bad thing. I went back through an old friends journal. Well, an old boyfriend. It's not rocket science who that boy is. It's just sickening to think that I was so naive to not see what was going on. 'Cus I can see it all too clearly now. But maybe that's because I already know what happened, years ago. I didn't do anything to deserve that. Today, I am still much like I was then.
I started thinking about it. I've cheated on boyfriends. It's not something to be proud of. But what choice did I have? I dated a good guy, a really good guy. I cheated on him, for no good reason. Then I start dating this "dude".. hah. Well, he cheated on me since day 1. And so, why did I continue to put up with that? Why did I continue to let him cheat on me with many other girls? Why did I blame my self, most of all? Why did I stay? Why? He had a friend, and this friend was a friend of mine as well. I crossed the line with that friend. But hey, the line had been crossed previous to that relationship. That still doesn't make it right. I still shouldn't have done what I did. I finally called it quits. Well, no. He did. Once I cheated on him, he said game over. Why couldn't he bare the pain of one sting, when I'd been feeling the pain over an entire year? I think it was just karma. So, I started a new chapter in my life. I gave this guy my everything. I started seeing things that'd gone on in my previous relationship. I started having doubts. But I still loved him. He wanted a change, and he didn't want me involved. So, a year went by. He slept with my best friend. C'mon... my best friend? I was out for vengence. None of those other girls are what he wanted... I was. And I had to let everyone see that. And I did. I don't know if I wanted him to feel some bit of the pain he inflicted in me... or maybe I was just that selfish. But I cheated on him. And I didn't feel guilty. I guess that's selfishness.
I don't think cheating is okay. I don't think cheating is one bit nice. I should've said goodbye and walked out that door. One of them is happy now, and that truly is beautiful. The other, I hope is doing okay. I've given my heart to two people. One still holds it.
I just hope he keeps it. Don't let me down.
I started thinking about it. I've cheated on boyfriends. It's not something to be proud of. But what choice did I have? I dated a good guy, a really good guy. I cheated on him, for no good reason. Then I start dating this "dude".. hah. Well, he cheated on me since day 1. And so, why did I continue to put up with that? Why did I continue to let him cheat on me with many other girls? Why did I blame my self, most of all? Why did I stay? Why? He had a friend, and this friend was a friend of mine as well. I crossed the line with that friend. But hey, the line had been crossed previous to that relationship. That still doesn't make it right. I still shouldn't have done what I did. I finally called it quits. Well, no. He did. Once I cheated on him, he said game over. Why couldn't he bare the pain of one sting, when I'd been feeling the pain over an entire year? I think it was just karma. So, I started a new chapter in my life. I gave this guy my everything. I started seeing things that'd gone on in my previous relationship. I started having doubts. But I still loved him. He wanted a change, and he didn't want me involved. So, a year went by. He slept with my best friend. C'mon... my best friend? I was out for vengence. None of those other girls are what he wanted... I was. And I had to let everyone see that. And I did. I don't know if I wanted him to feel some bit of the pain he inflicted in me... or maybe I was just that selfish. But I cheated on him. And I didn't feel guilty. I guess that's selfishness.
I don't think cheating is okay. I don't think cheating is one bit nice. I should've said goodbye and walked out that door. One of them is happy now, and that truly is beautiful. The other, I hope is doing okay. I've given my heart to two people. One still holds it.
I just hope he keeps it. Don't let me down.