not feeling what you think i'm feeling.
Okay i've decided i don't want any of my friends to call me kool or say i'm nice or anything anymore just because i'm really a prick and i don't see myself as nice or cool or anything. I don't like being called awesome, the man, or such just because i'm tired of it all. i'm tired of being called something i'm not i've been and forever will be a loser and i've accepted that fact a long time ago. I've also accepted the fact that i will never be happy as long as i hold myself back but i just can't seem to not hold myself back i have fear, so much fear i feel lost. I really don't know what i want or need i just need time to be alone so for the next few weeks i think i'm going to stay alone and see what i need before i try to fix everyone elses' problems. Life is short and i haven't lived one day of it i've only drifted through it like a ghost or spectre, a creature only a fraction of what it should be. Not quite a man not quite a beast but a little bit of both. I've never said this but i don't ever think i have found my place or know if i even have a place too be at. And that ignorance is making me feel as if i am holding back the people in my life who i care for most and want most to succeed. I really don't know what i want to do or need to do but i think the first step is beginning to let go of my past and by past i mean everything that i am attached too. I know none of my friends want to hear this but this weekend showed me that i really don't belong in the crowd that i am in right now and that i am an outsider no matter what i do i will never be like them. I will always be that kid that never quite fitted in but was just there. I also am the but of all jokes and no one ever cares about what i feel or think so i've decided that from this day forward i do not have friends anymore none of you exist to me any longer. I am doing what's best for me i can't keep going on not anymore feeling second class and being considered it. Most of you will think me as exagerating but think about everytime we hang out who is always the one that is being laughed at constantly. I don't care about how we all laugh at each other, yes we do but i am the constant target and i'm tired of it. Plus no one cares so i'm just never going to be in those situations again that leaves me dead a little more everyday that i am with you all. Yeah i may be dramatic but hey fuck you because if you are thinking that and saying that, you truly don't care so why the fuck should I anymore i'd rather be alone then just kept around for cheap laughs. Yeah i've been wanting to say this for a while but just couldn't because i thought you all would care and eventually let up a little but nope it's just gotten worse and worse. I also realized that i firmly believe at this moment that none of my friends would ever have my back in any arguement or fight, because i am always considered wrong until proven right, yet even right am still called a liar and a fucking idiot. But hey fuck you then if you all think i'm a fucking idiot then why the fuck do any of you hang with me? I'll tell you why, so you can feel better about yourselves because i am around. Because i am a fat slob who is to all of you a fucking idiot not worth the lint in your pockets. That's why I have no more friends because to me friendship means i'll pick you up when you fall down, yet I realized that if i ever fell not one person would pick me up.