I'll be the First to Admit I Have A Problem
Flashback back to a simpler time, the days of Algebra I and capri suns and being given the option of eating healthy food in the high school cafetorium and chosing to eat pizza anyway. Focus on young sophmore/freshman-something Ned... awkward, still waiting on that body hair, runs a mean 10 minute mile.
My greatest loves: snow days and insignificance.
My biggest fear: gym class
If you've ever been an unathletic, slightly overweight, unconfident teenaged homoqueer, you already share my fear and loathing of los gym class. If not, this is a poem I have written to explain this to you:
a quiet place
awakens, unseen by a nightmare;
rhythmically, the nightmare prances
If there was anything nice about gym class, it was perhaps the upper classman gods who'd dominate the field, court, diamond, or gridiron. Chiseled features, broad shoulders. Hands casually tucked beneith their boxers at any possible time... out of fear of any unforseen contretemps.
As if kharma felt we all needed to be punished, everyone was playing dodgeball. And somehow this lanky jock guy ended up on the same corner of the court as me. And he's actually being nice- he's trying to defend me. Giving me friendly tips.
I look over at him and he looks down at me, his poets lips parted just so. "What would you do if I kissed you right now?" he asks.
Of course, high school gym- what can I do? Act homophobic, of course. "Dude, that wouldn't be cool, bro." I touch my junk for emphasis.
A rubber ball knocks him out.
We never talked since then. I can't find him in the yearbook. Maybe my horomones got so imbalanced they sent him to me as some sort of spiritual guide. I did always yearn for the right guy to come along and open my eyes up to the ways of the gays. But the right guy never came along. I sat in youth groups and religious studies, while instructors spoke of plugs and circuits, and dreamt of the perfect man.
I'll never know WHAT the deal was with the boy in dodgeball, but I'd like to think he really was coming on to me. I also hate to think he was coming on to me. It set the tone for everything. The hot topic guy who was hitting on me, and I thought he was trying to discourage me from shoplifting. The skeezy gay guy at suck and blow. The drunk straight guy at spin the bottle. But worse by far is not my incredibly bad luck when it comes to boys, the really really BAD timing or the propensity to fall for hets, but my poor taste in men.
I want a guy to feel kind of dangerous. I want a challenge, I want a chase with a rewarding finish line. I like angsty guys who grumble about things they hate. I like guys who don't shave too much, guys who frequent dark little dive bars in smokey basements. I've gone for some pretty freaky, scary, or otherwise mopey guys before. Remember the guy who spent the entire dinner at Eat-N-Park talking about the color of a man's intestines? Remember the guy at the cemetry?
But there is another kind of dangerous, especially when it comes to gay dating.
For many, many years in life, all I could think about was how I was going to hell when I died. A heck of a lot of religious training will do that to a guy. Without any good gay role models in high school, I really DID think all gay people were lonely and vapid. A life of celibacy was out of the question, and after deciding my true calling was NOT priesthood, I finally started down the path of thinking being gay is probably not the worse thing you can do.
As some sort of weird result though, I totally dig religious dudes. Any boy who's ever asked me to go to church with him. Any boy who's ever told me he knows he's gay but still wants to settle down with a wife anyway to please God. It's not that I mean to be some sultry temptation. I don't WANT to drag people to the dark side. On the contrary- maybe its the fact that I understand all of that, understand the guilt and depression, that makes me want to get guys like ths. I don't want to see them go through what I went through.
Anwyay, I know that was a really long round a bout way to get to this subject but
LINKITY LINK
I THINK CRAIG GROSS IS ONE MAJOR HOTTIE. God, I'd love to see his pink polo shirt on my floor and his legs up in the air. Yes, the fact that he's an anti-sex minister makes him WAY hotter. Is this some kind of fettish? Is it a fettish with a name? Its own Yahoo news group?
Check out his work at xxxchurch.com and craiggross.com.
I'm listening to a recording of a radio show interview with him and some crazy lady from godhatesfags.com and they are both sassing each other up crazy!
EDIT: The fires of my passion towards Craig Gross have died down a little- but I am sad to report they burned a hole in me I seek desperately to fill with spiritual satisfaction! Also, I'm sort of in the mood to lift weights, why can't I have a gym buddy!
My greatest loves: snow days and insignificance.
My biggest fear: gym class
If you've ever been an unathletic, slightly overweight, unconfident teenaged homoqueer, you already share my fear and loathing of los gym class. If not, this is a poem I have written to explain this to you:
a quiet place
awakens, unseen by a nightmare;
rhythmically, the nightmare prances
If there was anything nice about gym class, it was perhaps the upper classman gods who'd dominate the field, court, diamond, or gridiron. Chiseled features, broad shoulders. Hands casually tucked beneith their boxers at any possible time... out of fear of any unforseen contretemps.
As if kharma felt we all needed to be punished, everyone was playing dodgeball. And somehow this lanky jock guy ended up on the same corner of the court as me. And he's actually being nice- he's trying to defend me. Giving me friendly tips.
I look over at him and he looks down at me, his poets lips parted just so. "What would you do if I kissed you right now?" he asks.
Of course, high school gym- what can I do? Act homophobic, of course. "Dude, that wouldn't be cool, bro." I touch my junk for emphasis.
A rubber ball knocks him out.
We never talked since then. I can't find him in the yearbook. Maybe my horomones got so imbalanced they sent him to me as some sort of spiritual guide. I did always yearn for the right guy to come along and open my eyes up to the ways of the gays. But the right guy never came along. I sat in youth groups and religious studies, while instructors spoke of plugs and circuits, and dreamt of the perfect man.
I'll never know WHAT the deal was with the boy in dodgeball, but I'd like to think he really was coming on to me. I also hate to think he was coming on to me. It set the tone for everything. The hot topic guy who was hitting on me, and I thought he was trying to discourage me from shoplifting. The skeezy gay guy at suck and blow. The drunk straight guy at spin the bottle. But worse by far is not my incredibly bad luck when it comes to boys, the really really BAD timing or the propensity to fall for hets, but my poor taste in men.
I want a guy to feel kind of dangerous. I want a challenge, I want a chase with a rewarding finish line. I like angsty guys who grumble about things they hate. I like guys who don't shave too much, guys who frequent dark little dive bars in smokey basements. I've gone for some pretty freaky, scary, or otherwise mopey guys before. Remember the guy who spent the entire dinner at Eat-N-Park talking about the color of a man's intestines? Remember the guy at the cemetry?
But there is another kind of dangerous, especially when it comes to gay dating.
For many, many years in life, all I could think about was how I was going to hell when I died. A heck of a lot of religious training will do that to a guy. Without any good gay role models in high school, I really DID think all gay people were lonely and vapid. A life of celibacy was out of the question, and after deciding my true calling was NOT priesthood, I finally started down the path of thinking being gay is probably not the worse thing you can do.
As some sort of weird result though, I totally dig religious dudes. Any boy who's ever asked me to go to church with him. Any boy who's ever told me he knows he's gay but still wants to settle down with a wife anyway to please God. It's not that I mean to be some sultry temptation. I don't WANT to drag people to the dark side. On the contrary- maybe its the fact that I understand all of that, understand the guilt and depression, that makes me want to get guys like ths. I don't want to see them go through what I went through.
Anwyay, I know that was a really long round a bout way to get to this subject but
LINKITY LINK
I THINK CRAIG GROSS IS ONE MAJOR HOTTIE. God, I'd love to see his pink polo shirt on my floor and his legs up in the air. Yes, the fact that he's an anti-sex minister makes him WAY hotter. Is this some kind of fettish? Is it a fettish with a name? Its own Yahoo news group?
Check out his work at xxxchurch.com and craiggross.com.
I'm listening to a recording of a radio show interview with him and some crazy lady from godhatesfags.com and they are both sassing each other up crazy!
EDIT: The fires of my passion towards Craig Gross have died down a little- but I am sad to report they burned a hole in me I seek desperately to fill with spiritual satisfaction! Also, I'm sort of in the mood to lift weights, why can't I have a gym buddy!