Joy.
I'm not sure what has really happened the past months. I have felt lost and like a huge dark cloud follows me everywhere I go. This dark cloud is like the depression of my life. I have felt numb, I have been sad, I have felt lonely, I have felt empty. I struggled with my idea of faith, what it ment. Was God actually real? Am I just a crazy person who follows a belief just because I found it semi early in life. On top of it all, I felt no Joy.
Last Week was my turning point. I broke down, crumbbled and feel. I actually did this. I ended one of the most difficult phone calls in my life, and ran into my bathroom, locked the door, and wept for an hour. I couldn't move, I just had my face on the stone floor. Alie ran to the door, but I wouldn't let her in. I didn't want anyone to see me this way, but I gave in after 20 minutes. She is a great friend.
I've realized I lost myself in the past year and a half. Everything I believed in I questioned. Everything I knew seemed to be fake. And I am still struggling, but I realized that through everything that has happened, and the hurt and pain I have been trying to deal with, i'm DEALING with it. And I am trying so hard to be happy again. I'm opening up to people, and TRUSTING them. I don't TRUST people. I thought I lost my Soul, and I thought I was distant from GOD, but I learned, My soul is more alive then ever because i FEEl. and I am closer to God then ever before. And I know that I still believe in my loving father, I know I still have joy inside, and one day I will be back to my normal self again.
And Last night I slept, the whole night for the first time in a year. And its been 24 hours since I have not cried in a day, and its the first 24 hours I have been happy. Its just a slow process.
Last Week was my turning point. I broke down, crumbbled and feel. I actually did this. I ended one of the most difficult phone calls in my life, and ran into my bathroom, locked the door, and wept for an hour. I couldn't move, I just had my face on the stone floor. Alie ran to the door, but I wouldn't let her in. I didn't want anyone to see me this way, but I gave in after 20 minutes. She is a great friend.
I've realized I lost myself in the past year and a half. Everything I believed in I questioned. Everything I knew seemed to be fake. And I am still struggling, but I realized that through everything that has happened, and the hurt and pain I have been trying to deal with, i'm DEALING with it. And I am trying so hard to be happy again. I'm opening up to people, and TRUSTING them. I don't TRUST people. I thought I lost my Soul, and I thought I was distant from GOD, but I learned, My soul is more alive then ever because i FEEl. and I am closer to God then ever before. And I know that I still believe in my loving father, I know I still have joy inside, and one day I will be back to my normal self again.
And Last night I slept, the whole night for the first time in a year. And its been 24 hours since I have not cried in a day, and its the first 24 hours I have been happy. Its just a slow process.