(no subject)
I believe in giving people second chances. I also believe that after one or two fresh starts, it's a little ridiculous to keep thinking they're going to change. So I don't know why the hell I keep giving dad chances and then being hurt when he proves that he'll never change. If he were anyone else, anyone not related to me, I would have completely dropped him from my life years ago. But society convinces us that family is the most important thing in the world, and no matter how much they bother you, they're still your family and that's important. Which is complete bullshit. If someone embarrasses and/or hurts me on a regular basis, I don't have to put up with that shit. If they've repeatedly proven that they'll never change, and they just keep waiting for you to change for them so they can keep living their comfortable little ignorant existence, then there's no point in bothering with them anymore.
I'm tired of letting myself be guilt-tripped into giving him chances, whether the guilt-tripping is done by myself, those stupid little "family is important" sayings that pop up everywhere, friends, or other family members.
Since getting cancer, I've been a walking conversation piece for dad. He uses me for pity, to start conversations with complete strangers, and to get things that he wants.
We were going to go to a Rasputina concert together. He found out it was in a nightclub and you had to be 21 and older, and instead of reading the FAQs on their website that clearly stated that if you're younger you can be with a parent, he sent the nightclub an email where he described the past year in all it's glory to show them how important it was that I should be let in. He tried to bribe them by making me a pity story. Thanks dad. It's very important that I get to go to a concert, as opposed to how important it is to me that you respect me and the fact that I've explicitly told you that I don't want you to talk about the past year to every fucking person you meet.
I'm done. I should have been done a long time ago. I should have realized a long time ago that he never changes, and he's never even going to try to change. I should have realized that he has no respect for me, seeing as how we've had the same argument several times now and he keeps doing the same thing over and over. I don't know why I get my hopes up. I don't know why I keep thinking that maybe it'll actually be different this time. It's always been about him and his needs. I got cancer, but his feelings about it were far more important then mine. I'm trying as hard as I fucking can to feel somewhat normal, but it's more important that he's able to tell everyone about how difficult his life is because his daughter is an amputee.
I'll probably be dead within five years. Yes, family is important, but there comes a point when you need to stop lying to yourself and accept that your family is hurtful and will never change. He's fucked up repeatedly all along, but especially through the last year when I needed to be as together as possible.
I'm not going to give up my happiness for him. Especially when I know my chances of living a long full life are pretty fucking slim.
I'm tired of letting myself be guilt-tripped into giving him chances, whether the guilt-tripping is done by myself, those stupid little "family is important" sayings that pop up everywhere, friends, or other family members.
Since getting cancer, I've been a walking conversation piece for dad. He uses me for pity, to start conversations with complete strangers, and to get things that he wants.
We were going to go to a Rasputina concert together. He found out it was in a nightclub and you had to be 21 and older, and instead of reading the FAQs on their website that clearly stated that if you're younger you can be with a parent, he sent the nightclub an email where he described the past year in all it's glory to show them how important it was that I should be let in. He tried to bribe them by making me a pity story. Thanks dad. It's very important that I get to go to a concert, as opposed to how important it is to me that you respect me and the fact that I've explicitly told you that I don't want you to talk about the past year to every fucking person you meet.
I'm done. I should have been done a long time ago. I should have realized a long time ago that he never changes, and he's never even going to try to change. I should have realized that he has no respect for me, seeing as how we've had the same argument several times now and he keeps doing the same thing over and over. I don't know why I get my hopes up. I don't know why I keep thinking that maybe it'll actually be different this time. It's always been about him and his needs. I got cancer, but his feelings about it were far more important then mine. I'm trying as hard as I fucking can to feel somewhat normal, but it's more important that he's able to tell everyone about how difficult his life is because his daughter is an amputee.
I'll probably be dead within five years. Yes, family is important, but there comes a point when you need to stop lying to yourself and accept that your family is hurtful and will never change. He's fucked up repeatedly all along, but especially through the last year when I needed to be as together as possible.
I'm not going to give up my happiness for him. Especially when I know my chances of living a long full life are pretty fucking slim.