Goodbye 2010.
I am glad 2010 is over. It was just drama drama drama. I am starting 2011 as a clean blank fresh year: Single as of today and attempting to move towards clarity and a better life.
I don't really have new year's resolutions because I am not wanting to make changes in my life for just a temporary period of time, instead I want to change my life for good. The things to be charged are: the amount of alcohol I consume, the amount of time I spend ignoring real life by working, and my attitudes about relationships.
1) The amount of alcohol that I consume - I feel like I have been on a bender for a long LONG time. It got me nowhere, but it did help to create the drama. Since my birthday party in November I have not gotten tanked once. That is since Nov. 20h - 40 days in total. So far, not too impressive, but it's a start and considering I went to a New Year's bash last night, and I did NOT get completely shit faced, that IS pretty impressive as I'm also not hung over either, which shows that I did in fact behave last night.
2) The mount of time I spend ignoring real life by working - I came to a revelation a short while ago that I escape real life by working, because when I'm at work, I just push through it all, smile and pretend, and I can get away with not dealing with the real issues in life. That needs to change because now as I look over my life, it just seems like I go through life with my eyes closed sometimes. What to do about this is the real question: Right now I am in a little deeper than I wanted to be - I still have to work full-time at my FT job (which also includes a 40 min drive each direction), but I have a part-time job that I go to 2x a week. I am quitting my drug store job, however in lieu of that, I am now taking a course at a local college. The course is going to be paid 50-50 by my FT job and myself, so the courses are to go towards upgrading myself for my job.... so it is #1 in the priority list. ...Even though I am quitting my one job, I still have plenty of other things going on.
3) My attitudes about relationships - This is the tricky one. I am not entirely sure what needs to be changed here, but relationships have mind fucked me and I don't know how to approach them anymore. I went from being with one guy for 4.75 years who I did every single thing with - we lived together, had copies of our credit cards (with no rules attached to that), saved money and bought a house together, and worked towards common goals. Now I just got out of a relationship that was only 10 months in length that was the complete opposite of the long term one - in this relationship he lived 40 mins from me, lived a completely separate life, rarely saw each other, and was always pinched for time when we did see each other because of work and school (he was in school). These relationships were so opposite from each other. I just don't know what to think about all this right now, so I don't know what else to write about this topic, however I can see that I have a lot to learn still.
As of when I left Derek's car when he dropped me off at my place today, I am single. Or rather, we are on a "break". I don't know what that means at all... I am assuming that I am "single". Our break is supposed to last for 4 months - the duration of his school semester. It doesn't really make sense. In some ways, this is good for me, because I was not single for any amount of time between my ex and D1.... so I guess I get to have that single time now. So that part is good, however I don't know how we can go on a break for 4 months... Part of me thinks that he wants out of this relationship altogether but didn't want to have to be the one to do the breaking up part. The other part of me thinks that he stills wants me because the ways he has been treating me over the past 2 days was the best he has treated me in comparison to the past few months. It is impossible to know what is going on, because whatever he is thinking, he has not completely 100% communicated it to me. Oh well. I guess that I will see how this goes and then go from there...
I don't really have new year's resolutions because I am not wanting to make changes in my life for just a temporary period of time, instead I want to change my life for good. The things to be charged are: the amount of alcohol I consume, the amount of time I spend ignoring real life by working, and my attitudes about relationships.
1) The amount of alcohol that I consume - I feel like I have been on a bender for a long LONG time. It got me nowhere, but it did help to create the drama. Since my birthday party in November I have not gotten tanked once. That is since Nov. 20h - 40 days in total. So far, not too impressive, but it's a start and considering I went to a New Year's bash last night, and I did NOT get completely shit faced, that IS pretty impressive as I'm also not hung over either, which shows that I did in fact behave last night.
2) The mount of time I spend ignoring real life by working - I came to a revelation a short while ago that I escape real life by working, because when I'm at work, I just push through it all, smile and pretend, and I can get away with not dealing with the real issues in life. That needs to change because now as I look over my life, it just seems like I go through life with my eyes closed sometimes. What to do about this is the real question: Right now I am in a little deeper than I wanted to be - I still have to work full-time at my FT job (which also includes a 40 min drive each direction), but I have a part-time job that I go to 2x a week. I am quitting my drug store job, however in lieu of that, I am now taking a course at a local college. The course is going to be paid 50-50 by my FT job and myself, so the courses are to go towards upgrading myself for my job.... so it is #1 in the priority list. ...Even though I am quitting my one job, I still have plenty of other things going on.
3) My attitudes about relationships - This is the tricky one. I am not entirely sure what needs to be changed here, but relationships have mind fucked me and I don't know how to approach them anymore. I went from being with one guy for 4.75 years who I did every single thing with - we lived together, had copies of our credit cards (with no rules attached to that), saved money and bought a house together, and worked towards common goals. Now I just got out of a relationship that was only 10 months in length that was the complete opposite of the long term one - in this relationship he lived 40 mins from me, lived a completely separate life, rarely saw each other, and was always pinched for time when we did see each other because of work and school (he was in school). These relationships were so opposite from each other. I just don't know what to think about all this right now, so I don't know what else to write about this topic, however I can see that I have a lot to learn still.
As of when I left Derek's car when he dropped me off at my place today, I am single. Or rather, we are on a "break". I don't know what that means at all... I am assuming that I am "single". Our break is supposed to last for 4 months - the duration of his school semester. It doesn't really make sense. In some ways, this is good for me, because I was not single for any amount of time between my ex and D1.... so I guess I get to have that single time now. So that part is good, however I don't know how we can go on a break for 4 months... Part of me thinks that he wants out of this relationship altogether but didn't want to have to be the one to do the breaking up part. The other part of me thinks that he stills wants me because the ways he has been treating me over the past 2 days was the best he has treated me in comparison to the past few months. It is impossible to know what is going on, because whatever he is thinking, he has not completely 100% communicated it to me. Oh well. I guess that I will see how this goes and then go from there...