(no subject)
hey
lots of boy drama, cant concentrate on studies.
shit man, i suck. ok last night was a toal mess. i need to learn to be strong, say what i feel, know what i want, and STATE MY INTENSIONS!
Goal: BE STRONG, STATE INTENSIONS!
fuck man. so last night kelli diane and i went to meet these dudes, mike from online. i'd never met him before. so we went there, it was chill. mike is ok, but his friend nate is fucking HOT. oh-my. hes like 6'4'' and hip hop and half white half nigaraguan! beautiful, really. anyway, so we motored and then tried to go to the hotel party but mark's drunk ass was being a jerk. it was all confusing and we never found the party and he left and such. it was badtimes. so we went back to sf to see the other guys again. it kindof sucked because i texted mike for nate's number (for my friend) but it mustve been obvious it was me because i was hella talking to nate and such. anyway, we went back and i was just chillen and talking to everyone equally. aparantly mike asked my friends the scoop and they told him i was into nate. so it was hella drama! mike like pulled me to the side to talk to him a few times, i didn't know what i wanted or what to say (im so unsure and immature and stupid). so i told him i liked nate. so then i was chllen you know, and i started dancing with nate and then mike got hella pissed! he was like, hurt and mad. so then we went to talk again and i told him that i liked him and wanted to get to know him. because i felt bad. (im stupid!!) so then we were all chllen, it was goodtimes. the boys gave me lap dances. but i was still hella eyeing nate. so by this time i was getting drunk. mike and i went out to talk again and he was all like, why you tryin to flirt with nate and blah blah. so then my drunk ass starts making out with him, one things leads to antoher and then we're fucking in his car! damn! i didn't mean to. this is all a disaster for several reasons. i feel dirty and sluty, it was my first since brendan and that is weird and emotionally intense, and i was not exactly safe. but, i think everytihng will be ok. ill get over it, i mean i will. its not a big deal, its like it never happened. this feels like the mentality of gresham boys and red head nick. i HATE regretting hooks ups! but, it will be ok, it will. its my own fault. i need to be strong!! but its like, my self esteem is too low to like, say no. because i like being wanted and attractive and what not.
so lame. now i also can like, never hook up with nate. but oh i want to! but im stupid, i dont even know him. sure we had a connection and an attraction, but whatever. i should forget them both and not talk to either of them. because i totally blew it and i not into mike. except i already agreed to go on a date with him on thursday! ah!
so theres those boys. then there's donnie. which is actually resolved now. he was all still tryin to hook up with me and im not into it, but i like the attention so i tease him and its hurtful, apparently. so i promised id hang out with him last night and i didn't, i lied and said i was home but really i was on my way to mike's. anyway, things are ok though. we talked today and we're just friends. no benefits.
then there's gah whats his name. RYAN. now he's cool. but he doens't drive and our phone convos are kindof lame. i bailed on his ass on friday night because plans got complicated and i was really tired. i think he got mad. see like dude, i never know what i want or how i feel and if i do i dont say it because im unsure of myself. that night was all messed up because i didn't know what i wanted to do! i should've just said from the begining that i was too tired. but no. all this shit went down and in the end i bailed. im so stuipd. i think he got mad for that. then i invited him to the bon fire on saturday but he never made it and we havn't spoken since. i do like him though. he's not super hot but he's cool. different. he has acne though, i hate that. nate is way hotter.
then there's um. oh nick. nick thinks he did something to offend him because i wasn't nice on our last date. so we havn't talked much recently but he's called me a bit. we have plans to go to liek a HUGE kegger this weekend at a private beach. sounds fun and i want to go because it sounds fun and i like the attention. but i dont crush on him. so im making a mistake.
then there's patrick. he's hella trying to flirt with me. of course i go along with it. he wants to hang out on wednesday. pool with russian mark. we'll see how that goes. im busy and ive never liked patrick like that.
and of course, brendan. his ass still hasn't called me. if i really loved him i wouldn't be getting with other guys. but then again i cant wait around forever. and im going to portland and all this. im sure bren will call me when he gets back, which is probably around wednesday time. ill call him then if he doesn't call me. but like, ya. all these guys are cool, but not as great as brendan. but then again, who cares about accomplishments and shit. its all about the connection you make. but these dudes- its like, im carrying a mentality like no, i have to be single i cant start anything bc of spain. but like, how can i do that? what if one of these guys is like an awesome match that im passing up? well, i suppose im just having fun and free dates along the way. but i also feel guilty and dirty. ah, what should i do.
game plan:
dont talk to mike. i dont like him. if i do talk to him, make friends intesions clear.
dont talk to nick. i dont like him. if i do talk to him, make friends intesions clear.
call brendan, see what our standing is, make further decisions in portland.
talk to ryan because we had a connection that i liked. even though he's probably the one least into me and hardest to see.
dont call arturo. too many guys to juggle, i dont have time.
so ya. i guess thats everything.
school is good. i have a 90 in phys right now but it will probably come down after this exam tomorrow. we'll see how things are in nut.
cant wait for it to be fucking over!!
ok peace out casitas
lots of boy drama, cant concentrate on studies.
shit man, i suck. ok last night was a toal mess. i need to learn to be strong, say what i feel, know what i want, and STATE MY INTENSIONS!
Goal: BE STRONG, STATE INTENSIONS!
fuck man. so last night kelli diane and i went to meet these dudes, mike from online. i'd never met him before. so we went there, it was chill. mike is ok, but his friend nate is fucking HOT. oh-my. hes like 6'4'' and hip hop and half white half nigaraguan! beautiful, really. anyway, so we motored and then tried to go to the hotel party but mark's drunk ass was being a jerk. it was all confusing and we never found the party and he left and such. it was badtimes. so we went back to sf to see the other guys again. it kindof sucked because i texted mike for nate's number (for my friend) but it mustve been obvious it was me because i was hella talking to nate and such. anyway, we went back and i was just chillen and talking to everyone equally. aparantly mike asked my friends the scoop and they told him i was into nate. so it was hella drama! mike like pulled me to the side to talk to him a few times, i didn't know what i wanted or what to say (im so unsure and immature and stupid). so i told him i liked nate. so then i was chllen you know, and i started dancing with nate and then mike got hella pissed! he was like, hurt and mad. so then we went to talk again and i told him that i liked him and wanted to get to know him. because i felt bad. (im stupid!!) so then we were all chllen, it was goodtimes. the boys gave me lap dances. but i was still hella eyeing nate. so by this time i was getting drunk. mike and i went out to talk again and he was all like, why you tryin to flirt with nate and blah blah. so then my drunk ass starts making out with him, one things leads to antoher and then we're fucking in his car! damn! i didn't mean to. this is all a disaster for several reasons. i feel dirty and sluty, it was my first since brendan and that is weird and emotionally intense, and i was not exactly safe. but, i think everytihng will be ok. ill get over it, i mean i will. its not a big deal, its like it never happened. this feels like the mentality of gresham boys and red head nick. i HATE regretting hooks ups! but, it will be ok, it will. its my own fault. i need to be strong!! but its like, my self esteem is too low to like, say no. because i like being wanted and attractive and what not.
so lame. now i also can like, never hook up with nate. but oh i want to! but im stupid, i dont even know him. sure we had a connection and an attraction, but whatever. i should forget them both and not talk to either of them. because i totally blew it and i not into mike. except i already agreed to go on a date with him on thursday! ah!
so theres those boys. then there's donnie. which is actually resolved now. he was all still tryin to hook up with me and im not into it, but i like the attention so i tease him and its hurtful, apparently. so i promised id hang out with him last night and i didn't, i lied and said i was home but really i was on my way to mike's. anyway, things are ok though. we talked today and we're just friends. no benefits.
then there's gah whats his name. RYAN. now he's cool. but he doens't drive and our phone convos are kindof lame. i bailed on his ass on friday night because plans got complicated and i was really tired. i think he got mad. see like dude, i never know what i want or how i feel and if i do i dont say it because im unsure of myself. that night was all messed up because i didn't know what i wanted to do! i should've just said from the begining that i was too tired. but no. all this shit went down and in the end i bailed. im so stuipd. i think he got mad for that. then i invited him to the bon fire on saturday but he never made it and we havn't spoken since. i do like him though. he's not super hot but he's cool. different. he has acne though, i hate that. nate is way hotter.
then there's um. oh nick. nick thinks he did something to offend him because i wasn't nice on our last date. so we havn't talked much recently but he's called me a bit. we have plans to go to liek a HUGE kegger this weekend at a private beach. sounds fun and i want to go because it sounds fun and i like the attention. but i dont crush on him. so im making a mistake.
then there's patrick. he's hella trying to flirt with me. of course i go along with it. he wants to hang out on wednesday. pool with russian mark. we'll see how that goes. im busy and ive never liked patrick like that.
and of course, brendan. his ass still hasn't called me. if i really loved him i wouldn't be getting with other guys. but then again i cant wait around forever. and im going to portland and all this. im sure bren will call me when he gets back, which is probably around wednesday time. ill call him then if he doesn't call me. but like, ya. all these guys are cool, but not as great as brendan. but then again, who cares about accomplishments and shit. its all about the connection you make. but these dudes- its like, im carrying a mentality like no, i have to be single i cant start anything bc of spain. but like, how can i do that? what if one of these guys is like an awesome match that im passing up? well, i suppose im just having fun and free dates along the way. but i also feel guilty and dirty. ah, what should i do.
game plan:
dont talk to mike. i dont like him. if i do talk to him, make friends intesions clear.
dont talk to nick. i dont like him. if i do talk to him, make friends intesions clear.
call brendan, see what our standing is, make further decisions in portland.
talk to ryan because we had a connection that i liked. even though he's probably the one least into me and hardest to see.
dont call arturo. too many guys to juggle, i dont have time.
so ya. i guess thats everything.
school is good. i have a 90 in phys right now but it will probably come down after this exam tomorrow. we'll see how things are in nut.
cant wait for it to be fucking over!!
ok peace out casitas