I'm really enjoying this, and I don't mean to be presumptuous or rude, but I did notice one grammatical error--
"Lay down," he says, so Shane sits and then scoots back until he's in the middle of the bed. He lays back, adjusting a pillow under his neck. I think the "lay" and "lays" should be "lie" and "lies."
Again, sorry if this isn't appropriate, and feel free to delete the comment.
HAH. i'll give you the second one -- i was swapping things around in this sentence and fucked it up and forgot to fix. but i let the dialogue stand. people rarely know the difference between that. (my favorite pnemonic boils down to: you can only LAY something -- or someone -- physically somewhere, like a book on a table, or a boy across a bed. otherwise you just lie there.)
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"Lay down," he says, so Shane sits and then scoots back until he's in the middle of the bed. He lays back, adjusting a pillow under his neck. I think the "lay" and "lays" should be "lie" and "lies."
Again, sorry if this isn't appropriate, and feel free to delete the comment.
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