(no subject)
title: a red devil’s livejournal (4/?)
rating: PG
pairings: nope. none set in stone, yet.
author's note: crack. not to be taken seriously. and thank you so much for all the reviews. so glad you all are enjoying it. ♥
four.
“NO! RONNIE REFUSES!”
“Honestly, Cris. What is the worse that could possibly happen?”
Alan and the Portuguese are a few meters from the hotel lobby where the team had chosen to meet that morning. Cris had been putting up a real fight the whole way down, refusing to take any part in the Safari outing. Saying that he forgot to bring suntan lotion; that he was feeling rather ill; anything that would get him out of it all together.
“TIGER COME OUT OF CAGE. MONKEY GO CRAZY AND RIP HAIR.”
“That won’t happen.”
“How you know?”
“Because Wayne will scare them all away before they can even get to you.”
***
“The lads are off to go to the zoo.”
“So?”
“So. I thought I would let you know. Rio just texted me.”
“I don’t see the point. The United squad in the locker room is like a zoo alone.”
Gary ponders this over, “True, true. You would be the panda.”
“What?”
“You’re really stubborn in the sex department, just like those pandas. Did you know that they need panda porn to turn them on?”
“Do I want to know how you know this? Renting some panda porn, Gaz? Does Ryan know about this?”
“I ---”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
***
“I suggest you put on your seat belt, Cris. This is going to be a bumpy ride.”
Cris looks around, looking for the straps and buckle, then frantically panics when the driver starts the motor up. “Where seat belt? It’s not here! Ronnie don’t have one!”
A roar of laughter comes from all around before Rio says, “We’re just winding you up, kid. There aren‘t any.”
“Don’t worry,” Wayne whispers from behind him. “If you want, my arms can be of assistance to keep you strapped in.”
“Hey now. None of that while we’re here. Don’t want to gross the animals out.”
***
“--clearly the Gaffer would be the lion. The king of the jungle.”
“And what does that make you? The parrot?”
“Why do you say that?”
“You never shut up,” Paul turns up the volume on the TV, “Can you take the hint, now?”
“Yes. You want me to speak louder.”
“I want to shove a cracker in your mouth.”
“I’m not quite fond of crackers, how about some bread, instead, yeah?”
***
“Vida! Take the cub out of your jacket.”
“Was just giving a tour...” Nemanja mutters under his breath.
“And Rio, stop poking Darren with that. The poor lad looks absolutely terrified.”
“Yeah. Do I look like an animal to you?” Darren says, rubbing his arm.
“Animal? No. Alien? Perhaps.”
“Ronaldo! Boy! What are you doing o’er there in the corner? Come ‘round here and join the rest of us.”
With a hesitant nod of the head, the Portuguese makes his way over to the Gaffer who is standing slightly behind Wayne who is carrying a tiny cub in his arms. “Look, Cris, he doesn’t bite at all. Want to hold him?”
“No.”
“Come on. He’s so cute and precious. He won’t hur --- ouch. That was quite a nip.”
“SEE! SEE! AND YOU ALMOST GIVE TO RONNIE TO HOLD!”
“If I told you, it had softer hair than you, would you consider touching it?”
“Maybe. But that impossible.” He instinctively runs his hands through his gelled treasures. “Tigers don’t have hair products that Ronnie uses.”
***
i’m not short, you’re just really tall (gingerspice) wrote on July 26th 2007.
Recovering well from the injury. Should be back in August sometime.
But the amount of brain cells that have been quickly murdered during my time at Gary’s house could prove to decrease my intelligence by a lot. Don’t be frightened if I start talking like a caveman, like Cristiano. It happens to the best of us.
PS. Gary watches panda porn. He told me so.
gazfather commented:
I demand you delete this entry.
gingerspice replied:
Sorry, mate. This panda does not take orders from a parrot.
gazfather replied:
This parrot is going to peck your head off.
gingerspice replied:
Kinky. Don’t want Ryan to see this, and get jealous, now would you?
dafletch commented:
Never seen panda porn, but I have seen the Animal Channel with lions and tigers…
leggomyeggo replied:
Please don’t start talking like Ronnie. One caveman on the team is enough.
rockinthecurls commented:
Hello, roomie :]
gingerspice replied:
Ah yes, the new boy who thinks he’s a fan.
idosmile commented:
And how many brain cells did you start with?
***
Some of the boys are in a large room the Hotel had been kind enough to lend to them during their stay. It was like a mini-game room just for their benefit. Tired from their safari tour, Cris lounged on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, cap lowered to cover his eyes. He could hear the rest of the lads playing table tennis, a few curse words here and there, trying to figure out if the ball was fair or not.
“You fuckin’ cheat!”
“What? He called it, not me.” Ryan smiles, looking over at Eagles.
“You both are working against me! I know it!”
“Well, go play something else, then if you don’t trust the officiating.”
“See. Now you’re taunting me. Like hell I’ll leave.”
“Hey Rio! Do you---”
“Shhh, not now Darren! I’m trying to win a game here. If you want me to braid your hair, ask me later.”
The winger groans inwardly when someone slumps down next to him, and yanks his cap off.
“The boss wouldn’t let me take tiger to hotel room,” Vida mutters, twirling the hat in his hands. “I going to bring back tomorrow.”
“Eh.”
“Rio suppose to take panda. But it wouldn’t fit in jacket.”
“Ronnie thinks you weird.”
“Smithy try put toucan in pants. It bite him,” Vida howls with laughter at the thought. “Can’t walk properly now. Look.” (he points to the blonde across the room, discreetly walking slowly so that no one will notice.)
“What’s wrong with you, Smudge? Got to use the bathroom to do number 2?”
“Very funny.”
***
“Not that I mind or anything, but why so quiet?”
“Didn’t want to kill anymore of your precious brain cells. I advice you not to stick around. I sometimes sleep walk in the nude. Don’t want to ruin your vision anymore than it already is, either.” Gary replies with a roll of his eyes.
“Oh, spicy. What? No infamous glare to accompany all that?”
“Keep talking, shorty.”
“Insults, too. Nice touch.”
“I’m serious.”
“Me too. How’d you learn so quickly? Been reading ‘Insults & Come Backs for Dummies’ have you?”
“No, just ‘How to discreetly murder your team mate without the Gaffer knowing’.”
“Haven’t read that yet. Might have to, will come in handy some day, I know. Care to tell me the first few steps?”
“Step 1: roll your eyes. Step 2: insult them. Step 3: be serious. Step 4: tell them the book you’ve been reading. Step 5: do the deed.”
“Well, looks like that’s the next step for you, isn’t it?”
“Seems so.”
“And?”
“You’re a fucking twat. You know that?”
“Oh. Looks like you’re going back to step 2. Should I expect you to be serious now?”
Gary attempts to hit him over the head, but fails miserably.
“I hope that wasn’t the murder attempt. Because you completely forgot to mention the book.”
FIN.
rating: PG
pairings: nope. none set in stone, yet.
author's note: crack. not to be taken seriously. and thank you so much for all the reviews. so glad you all are enjoying it. ♥
four.
“NO! RONNIE REFUSES!”
“Honestly, Cris. What is the worse that could possibly happen?”
Alan and the Portuguese are a few meters from the hotel lobby where the team had chosen to meet that morning. Cris had been putting up a real fight the whole way down, refusing to take any part in the Safari outing. Saying that he forgot to bring suntan lotion; that he was feeling rather ill; anything that would get him out of it all together.
“TIGER COME OUT OF CAGE. MONKEY GO CRAZY AND RIP HAIR.”
“That won’t happen.”
“How you know?”
“Because Wayne will scare them all away before they can even get to you.”
***
“The lads are off to go to the zoo.”
“So?”
“So. I thought I would let you know. Rio just texted me.”
“I don’t see the point. The United squad in the locker room is like a zoo alone.”
Gary ponders this over, “True, true. You would be the panda.”
“What?”
“You’re really stubborn in the sex department, just like those pandas. Did you know that they need panda porn to turn them on?”
“Do I want to know how you know this? Renting some panda porn, Gaz? Does Ryan know about this?”
“I ---”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
***
“I suggest you put on your seat belt, Cris. This is going to be a bumpy ride.”
Cris looks around, looking for the straps and buckle, then frantically panics when the driver starts the motor up. “Where seat belt? It’s not here! Ronnie don’t have one!”
A roar of laughter comes from all around before Rio says, “We’re just winding you up, kid. There aren‘t any.”
“Don’t worry,” Wayne whispers from behind him. “If you want, my arms can be of assistance to keep you strapped in.”
“Hey now. None of that while we’re here. Don’t want to gross the animals out.”
***
“--clearly the Gaffer would be the lion. The king of the jungle.”
“And what does that make you? The parrot?”
“Why do you say that?”
“You never shut up,” Paul turns up the volume on the TV, “Can you take the hint, now?”
“Yes. You want me to speak louder.”
“I want to shove a cracker in your mouth.”
“I’m not quite fond of crackers, how about some bread, instead, yeah?”
***
“Vida! Take the cub out of your jacket.”
“Was just giving a tour...” Nemanja mutters under his breath.
“And Rio, stop poking Darren with that. The poor lad looks absolutely terrified.”
“Yeah. Do I look like an animal to you?” Darren says, rubbing his arm.
“Animal? No. Alien? Perhaps.”
“Ronaldo! Boy! What are you doing o’er there in the corner? Come ‘round here and join the rest of us.”
With a hesitant nod of the head, the Portuguese makes his way over to the Gaffer who is standing slightly behind Wayne who is carrying a tiny cub in his arms. “Look, Cris, he doesn’t bite at all. Want to hold him?”
“No.”
“Come on. He’s so cute and precious. He won’t hur --- ouch. That was quite a nip.”
“SEE! SEE! AND YOU ALMOST GIVE TO RONNIE TO HOLD!”
“If I told you, it had softer hair than you, would you consider touching it?”
“Maybe. But that impossible.” He instinctively runs his hands through his gelled treasures. “Tigers don’t have hair products that Ronnie uses.”
***
i’m not short, you’re just really tall (gingerspice) wrote on July 26th 2007.
Recovering well from the injury. Should be back in August sometime.
But the amount of brain cells that have been quickly murdered during my time at Gary’s house could prove to decrease my intelligence by a lot. Don’t be frightened if I start talking like a caveman, like Cristiano. It happens to the best of us.
PS. Gary watches panda porn. He told me so.
gazfather commented:
I demand you delete this entry.
gingerspice replied:
Sorry, mate. This panda does not take orders from a parrot.
gazfather replied:
This parrot is going to peck your head off.
gingerspice replied:
Kinky. Don’t want Ryan to see this, and get jealous, now would you?
dafletch commented:
Never seen panda porn, but I have seen the Animal Channel with lions and tigers…
leggomyeggo replied:
Please don’t start talking like Ronnie. One caveman on the team is enough.
rockinthecurls commented:
Hello, roomie :]
gingerspice replied:
Ah yes, the new boy who thinks he’s a fan.
idosmile commented:
And how many brain cells did you start with?
***
Some of the boys are in a large room the Hotel had been kind enough to lend to them during their stay. It was like a mini-game room just for their benefit. Tired from their safari tour, Cris lounged on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, cap lowered to cover his eyes. He could hear the rest of the lads playing table tennis, a few curse words here and there, trying to figure out if the ball was fair or not.
“You fuckin’ cheat!”
“What? He called it, not me.” Ryan smiles, looking over at Eagles.
“You both are working against me! I know it!”
“Well, go play something else, then if you don’t trust the officiating.”
“See. Now you’re taunting me. Like hell I’ll leave.”
“Hey Rio! Do you---”
“Shhh, not now Darren! I’m trying to win a game here. If you want me to braid your hair, ask me later.”
The winger groans inwardly when someone slumps down next to him, and yanks his cap off.
“The boss wouldn’t let me take tiger to hotel room,” Vida mutters, twirling the hat in his hands. “I going to bring back tomorrow.”
“Eh.”
“Rio suppose to take panda. But it wouldn’t fit in jacket.”
“Ronnie thinks you weird.”
“Smithy try put toucan in pants. It bite him,” Vida howls with laughter at the thought. “Can’t walk properly now. Look.” (he points to the blonde across the room, discreetly walking slowly so that no one will notice.)
“What’s wrong with you, Smudge? Got to use the bathroom to do number 2?”
“Very funny.”
***
“Not that I mind or anything, but why so quiet?”
“Didn’t want to kill anymore of your precious brain cells. I advice you not to stick around. I sometimes sleep walk in the nude. Don’t want to ruin your vision anymore than it already is, either.” Gary replies with a roll of his eyes.
“Oh, spicy. What? No infamous glare to accompany all that?”
“Keep talking, shorty.”
“Insults, too. Nice touch.”
“I’m serious.”
“Me too. How’d you learn so quickly? Been reading ‘Insults & Come Backs for Dummies’ have you?”
“No, just ‘How to discreetly murder your team mate without the Gaffer knowing’.”
“Haven’t read that yet. Might have to, will come in handy some day, I know. Care to tell me the first few steps?”
“Step 1: roll your eyes. Step 2: insult them. Step 3: be serious. Step 4: tell them the book you’ve been reading. Step 5: do the deed.”
“Well, looks like that’s the next step for you, isn’t it?”
“Seems so.”
“And?”
“You’re a fucking twat. You know that?”
“Oh. Looks like you’re going back to step 2. Should I expect you to be serious now?”
Gary attempts to hit him over the head, but fails miserably.
“I hope that wasn’t the murder attempt. Because you completely forgot to mention the book.”
FIN.