(no subject)
I have another cut this morning. Well, it looks like two but the skin is still swollen. Why is she doing this? My therapist said ysterday that one of the reasons for the cutting is that she's scared. I don't know. It all seems so bizzar to me.
I just keep on thinking about the kids. I have a bandaid over the older cuts. They're on my left arm and this new one is on my right. Orion asked me what happened. I lied and said that I just banged into something by accident. He looked at me and said in the squeaky voice he uses sometimes, "Oh Mommy, you should be careful!"
So, what now? Do I walk around with bandaids on both my arms? One arm I can just blow it off when someone asks. "Oh, I just fell" But, both arms raises suspicion. I'm embarassed by these things. And with my tan the bandaids stick out like a sore thumb. (no pun intended)
I really thought I was slipping away yesterday. But, this happened with no warning. I didn't get any of the warning signs I usually get. I didn't get really hot. My eyes didn't do their shifty thing (where my vision shifts a bit and my eyes feel like they're bugging out). I didn't feel heavy in my limbs or like my body wasn't mine. I just was doing the dishes and suddenly realized that a dish I had put in the sink a second ago was already clean and in the dishwasher. I looked and found the cut on my wrist.
It's bothering me but oddly I don't feel as upset about it as I did in the beginning. Am I getting used to them? I'm just embarassed. I have a thing to go to today that I'm a coordinator for (one of the homeschool park days). Hope no one asks.
I just keep on thinking about the kids. I have a bandaid over the older cuts. They're on my left arm and this new one is on my right. Orion asked me what happened. I lied and said that I just banged into something by accident. He looked at me and said in the squeaky voice he uses sometimes, "Oh Mommy, you should be careful!"
So, what now? Do I walk around with bandaids on both my arms? One arm I can just blow it off when someone asks. "Oh, I just fell" But, both arms raises suspicion. I'm embarassed by these things. And with my tan the bandaids stick out like a sore thumb. (no pun intended)
I really thought I was slipping away yesterday. But, this happened with no warning. I didn't get any of the warning signs I usually get. I didn't get really hot. My eyes didn't do their shifty thing (where my vision shifts a bit and my eyes feel like they're bugging out). I didn't feel heavy in my limbs or like my body wasn't mine. I just was doing the dishes and suddenly realized that a dish I had put in the sink a second ago was already clean and in the dishwasher. I looked and found the cut on my wrist.
It's bothering me but oddly I don't feel as upset about it as I did in the beginning. Am I getting used to them? I'm just embarassed. I have a thing to go to today that I'm a coordinator for (one of the homeschool park days). Hope no one asks.