automatic writing
As I said at the end of my last post...I'm not feeling very much in control. I can feel it slipping and I'm trying my best to keep it intact. So, I decided to do some automatic writing to see what comes up. I don't know if this will help or nt but it's worth a try.
Ok here goes. I'm sitting here feeling kind of numb. Like I'm in a fog and having trouble concentrating. At times I look down at my hands and they don't look like mine. Instead they look kind of older. The veins in the top are sticking out and it seems like they are from someone who is much older. The fingers look swollen, even though I know that I've lost weight recently and they're not swollen at all. They're actually quite thin in a healthy way. I feel very light hteaded like rhtere is a fog in my brain. like I can t seem to see throught the window i can't understand the screams i hear in the dark they all seem to come out at me in the night the dark figures moing around in my mind i would like for them to just go away to leave mea alone there is so much darkeness so much internal pain and ic an't sseem to find a way to just shut it all out what should i cdo i thingk i should just let my fingers do the writing instead of trying to think about the pain who knows who we are anymore i cant stand it thereare handsw wwraching for me who an say where they are coming from aining control can be so haeard and i cant' wesewkemto tekll youeknwoidnaalkdngoslsieniglikneklsian;wieekri jf aidikwen adjakdngoiwelksalken goiweaknlaisilentlieanaligneilaiasksen gia leiankansd dilwakkdjaiaelandkltyanka;izkneln
Ok...that asn't cool. I just kind of went into a slight trance...or started to. I couldn't control what my fingers were doing and I was trying to just let stuff come out. I still feel this strong numbness and a heaviness in my limbs. I guess I'm still trying to hold on. I'll try again the automatic thing but I have to say i'm not veyr good at letting go so lets just see what happens now where were we. I don't know. i feel like you are all a figmentof my imagination. i am having trouble contemplating where you are comming from and why you are here. why don't you just go away and let me be. none of this is real. none of you are real. you all need to just go back to the hel you spawned from and leave me be. i want to just be leftalone. i don't want to feel any of thi anymore. please just leave me be. please just let me do what i want to do and don't you dare answer that door. you are destroying the vortex that s the way things are i don't know what to call it really. just go away. leave me alone. please dont come any closer. i just want to be left alone in my own thoughts and in my own mind. alone. without any o you. i am jst so tired of everything you have done and are doing you continue to irritate me in the worst way. you thik it is all about you. all of you. well it's not. it' not about you or me or anyone. it's not about even them. it just is. we are area just here, in this meaningless existence and who knows what will come across the void if we let it touch us no they shouldn't touch us there is no reason for you to think that there is no reason for you to even conprehend that there is notheing for you to know here so don't even try anymore i can't tell you what to do and what not to do but i can tell you to just shut up and go to hell you fucking bitch you whore on't you know what your moma told you she told you to stop being such a cunt you fucking cnt rag. you bloodly malfunctioing thing who the hell do you think you are disturbing me like that don't say those things dont talk like that there is no reason for you to be here there is no reason for any of us to be here i don't really believe that and neither do you if you did then you would have ot just og to fucking hell now wouldn't you i try it just try to stop it try to open it you can't figure out where it is that you want to go now do you you are so indecisive you need to just stop and lookin the miror once or twice no I don't like irrors there is never anything good to see in there what do youw ant from me i just want the turth thats all i just want the turth well the turth isn't for you to handle it isn't for you to know and i don't know what you can handle but the truth isn't it there is no truth here truth is for the blind and the meek we dont need it we just need toe xist and that is what we want we want to be leta lone cant you understand that no stop dont try to control this dont try to make it go your own way we want you to just stop trying to see into the past there is no past here it was erased years ago nothing beyond that point isr eachable you know that dont you dyou dog looka t you all chained up to your morals and high ideals ont ou know what you are for you are for just keeping everything alive and you can't do that if you are falling apart over some stupid little scrathes and soe fucking door that wont ever open not for you you don't want ot go in there no stop dont' go in there you dont' know what will happen you must stop yourself.
I had to stop myself. I was seeing things. Images I can't quite explain. Goddess I've been at this for 15 minutes. I'm exhausted. I need sleep. I still don't feel quite in control but at least I don't want to cut myself. Just hope I don't get bad dreams.
There's something in the closet that smells. I can remember that part. It was either a guy with long hair trying to get me or a dirty old mop. Not sure which. *shudders* But it was an image I kept on getting. Kind of dark though so I'm not sure. Lots of dark images. *sigh*
Ok here goes. I'm sitting here feeling kind of numb. Like I'm in a fog and having trouble concentrating. At times I look down at my hands and they don't look like mine. Instead they look kind of older. The veins in the top are sticking out and it seems like they are from someone who is much older. The fingers look swollen, even though I know that I've lost weight recently and they're not swollen at all. They're actually quite thin in a healthy way. I feel very light hteaded like rhtere is a fog in my brain. like I can t seem to see throught the window i can't understand the screams i hear in the dark they all seem to come out at me in the night the dark figures moing around in my mind i would like for them to just go away to leave mea alone there is so much darkeness so much internal pain and ic an't sseem to find a way to just shut it all out what should i cdo i thingk i should just let my fingers do the writing instead of trying to think about the pain who knows who we are anymore i cant stand it thereare handsw wwraching for me who an say where they are coming from aining control can be so haeard and i cant' wesewkemto tekll youeknwoidnaalkdngoslsieniglikneklsian;wieekri jf aidikwen adjakdngoiwelksalken goiweaknlaisilentlieanaligneilaiasksen gia leiankansd dilwakkdjaiaelandkltyanka;izkneln
Ok...that asn't cool. I just kind of went into a slight trance...or started to. I couldn't control what my fingers were doing and I was trying to just let stuff come out. I still feel this strong numbness and a heaviness in my limbs. I guess I'm still trying to hold on. I'll try again the automatic thing but I have to say i'm not veyr good at letting go so lets just see what happens now where were we. I don't know. i feel like you are all a figmentof my imagination. i am having trouble contemplating where you are comming from and why you are here. why don't you just go away and let me be. none of this is real. none of you are real. you all need to just go back to the hel you spawned from and leave me be. i want to just be leftalone. i don't want to feel any of thi anymore. please just leave me be. please just let me do what i want to do and don't you dare answer that door. you are destroying the vortex that s the way things are i don't know what to call it really. just go away. leave me alone. please dont come any closer. i just want to be left alone in my own thoughts and in my own mind. alone. without any o you. i am jst so tired of everything you have done and are doing you continue to irritate me in the worst way. you thik it is all about you. all of you. well it's not. it' not about you or me or anyone. it's not about even them. it just is. we are area just here, in this meaningless existence and who knows what will come across the void if we let it touch us no they shouldn't touch us there is no reason for you to think that there is no reason for you to even conprehend that there is notheing for you to know here so don't even try anymore i can't tell you what to do and what not to do but i can tell you to just shut up and go to hell you fucking bitch you whore on't you know what your moma told you she told you to stop being such a cunt you fucking cnt rag. you bloodly malfunctioing thing who the hell do you think you are disturbing me like that don't say those things dont talk like that there is no reason for you to be here there is no reason for any of us to be here i don't really believe that and neither do you if you did then you would have ot just og to fucking hell now wouldn't you i try it just try to stop it try to open it you can't figure out where it is that you want to go now do you you are so indecisive you need to just stop and lookin the miror once or twice no I don't like irrors there is never anything good to see in there what do youw ant from me i just want the turth thats all i just want the turth well the turth isn't for you to handle it isn't for you to know and i don't know what you can handle but the truth isn't it there is no truth here truth is for the blind and the meek we dont need it we just need toe xist and that is what we want we want to be leta lone cant you understand that no stop dont try to control this dont try to make it go your own way we want you to just stop trying to see into the past there is no past here it was erased years ago nothing beyond that point isr eachable you know that dont you dyou dog looka t you all chained up to your morals and high ideals ont ou know what you are for you are for just keeping everything alive and you can't do that if you are falling apart over some stupid little scrathes and soe fucking door that wont ever open not for you you don't want ot go in there no stop dont' go in there you dont' know what will happen you must stop yourself.
I had to stop myself. I was seeing things. Images I can't quite explain. Goddess I've been at this for 15 minutes. I'm exhausted. I need sleep. I still don't feel quite in control but at least I don't want to cut myself. Just hope I don't get bad dreams.
There's something in the closet that smells. I can remember that part. It was either a guy with long hair trying to get me or a dirty old mop. Not sure which. *shudders* But it was an image I kept on getting. Kind of dark though so I'm not sure. Lots of dark images. *sigh*