(no subject)
I was just thinking about my therapy session yesterday. How I told her my doubts about wanting to know what had happened to make me split. About how until recently I believed that I was multiple "just because"...that I was born this way. That some people are multiple and some aren't and it's not necessarily because of any trauma. etc
I tried to explain to her why this is so difficult for me. It's not just about remembering a past event that was traumatic and painful. It's about learning that there is some dark secret to my past. Something so horrible that the only way I could deal with it was to split my mind. Something that I have no clue about, and something that no one in my family seems to know about. My childhood was always safe. well, I did have mental health issues even as a kid, but I always blamed that on school (I was the one kid who everyone picked on...you know the type...every grade has them. Luck of the draw I guess). Aside from school, my childhood was happy and safe.
At least, that's what I believed.
Now there is something that wasn't safe. Something horrible. And it isn't real to me. I don't remember it and so it isn't quite real. It's like some part of my brain is telling me that there is no suck event and that I should just let it go. I can't really express in words the feeling. It's as if I'm finding out soe part of my life is other than what it was. Corina just said something about dreams really being nightmares. I can't explain her symbolism well but the sentiment is there.
How can I explain it? I'm trying, but words can't express it. Part of me wonders if perhaps I should just not remember at all. But, then I think that I want to know. Because if I don't know then how can I ever go back to NY to visit my family again? Then again, if whatever it is has to do with my family then I don't know if I could ever go back anyway. How can I bring my children to a place that may have been terribly damaging to me when I was their age? What if the person who harmed me is no longer around? What if they are? How will I deal?
It's not so much that I don't want to know what happened (though part of me thinks of it more as "what may have happened") but rather all the other stuff that goes along with it. How it effects me and my own now. In the preset. What it could mean.
What should I do? It seems that the answer is so simple and clear. Only there are two conflictig answers and they both are equally clear. A choice with equal options, neither being truly better than the other.
Choose Jessie. To remember is dangerous and not to remember is safe. Yet there is safety in remembering and not remembering can be the greatest of dangers. Choose Jessie. Choose Cara. Choose everyone. Choose to remember or not to remember the answer is yours. But, you must choose now and choose quick or you may find that the door will open and close without your knowledge. Without your saying of yes or of no. without your playing the silly little games of play and not play. Those things which mess with your minds and your hearts and your heads and your face. Those things you know yet you don't want to know because you're afraid of hte simple bitterness of truth and decay. Of life and of death. of whatever it is that you want to know yet dont. stop with the back and forth already because its not nice. not a nice game for little girls like you not nice at all.
mmmm.fish. feelings of fat and sad and all things there. mmmm
EDIT: Corina wrote the last part. And she ate the rest of the fish I guess because there is an empty bowl here and I can taste salmon.
I tried to explain to her why this is so difficult for me. It's not just about remembering a past event that was traumatic and painful. It's about learning that there is some dark secret to my past. Something so horrible that the only way I could deal with it was to split my mind. Something that I have no clue about, and something that no one in my family seems to know about. My childhood was always safe. well, I did have mental health issues even as a kid, but I always blamed that on school (I was the one kid who everyone picked on...you know the type...every grade has them. Luck of the draw I guess). Aside from school, my childhood was happy and safe.
At least, that's what I believed.
Now there is something that wasn't safe. Something horrible. And it isn't real to me. I don't remember it and so it isn't quite real. It's like some part of my brain is telling me that there is no suck event and that I should just let it go. I can't really express in words the feeling. It's as if I'm finding out soe part of my life is other than what it was. Corina just said something about dreams really being nightmares. I can't explain her symbolism well but the sentiment is there.
How can I explain it? I'm trying, but words can't express it. Part of me wonders if perhaps I should just not remember at all. But, then I think that I want to know. Because if I don't know then how can I ever go back to NY to visit my family again? Then again, if whatever it is has to do with my family then I don't know if I could ever go back anyway. How can I bring my children to a place that may have been terribly damaging to me when I was their age? What if the person who harmed me is no longer around? What if they are? How will I deal?
It's not so much that I don't want to know what happened (though part of me thinks of it more as "what may have happened") but rather all the other stuff that goes along with it. How it effects me and my own now. In the preset. What it could mean.
What should I do? It seems that the answer is so simple and clear. Only there are two conflictig answers and they both are equally clear. A choice with equal options, neither being truly better than the other.
Choose Jessie. To remember is dangerous and not to remember is safe. Yet there is safety in remembering and not remembering can be the greatest of dangers. Choose Jessie. Choose Cara. Choose everyone. Choose to remember or not to remember the answer is yours. But, you must choose now and choose quick or you may find that the door will open and close without your knowledge. Without your saying of yes or of no. without your playing the silly little games of play and not play. Those things which mess with your minds and your hearts and your heads and your face. Those things you know yet you don't want to know because you're afraid of hte simple bitterness of truth and decay. Of life and of death. of whatever it is that you want to know yet dont. stop with the back and forth already because its not nice. not a nice game for little girls like you not nice at all.
mmmm.fish. feelings of fat and sad and all things there. mmmm
EDIT: Corina wrote the last part. And she ate the rest of the fish I guess because there is an empty bowl here and I can taste salmon.