(no subject)

[weallfalldown]

last night i talked to chris. we had a conversation id been debating on having for about a week now. i had been thinking about how things were going to go down concerning the trip to austin and all. obviously theres still feelings lurking between us, we both know this. but neither one of us are committed enough to the idea of a relationship to really figure out what we want. he told me that there is a part of him that really wants me back. that made me happy just to know im not alone in having lingering feelings and that im not imagining things when i think that his picking on me is really just his inner junior high kid coming out to play. he said something that kind of irked me though. he said that he "put all this hard work" into changing me or whatever. that kind of got on my nerves. HE really didnt do anything besides send me into a deep depression. i do love him. and thats one of the main reasons i changed is because i wanted him to look at me the way i looked at him. but as i bettered myself i came to realize that i shouldnt change for anyone but myself. and he was very superficial and selfish in his decisions. it makes me wonder if i could ever have the same relationship with him again because of this. i do love him but i will always know that he has those traits about him and those are very, if not the most, unattractive traits for someone to aquire. it amazes me that someone as wonderful as him can hold this kind of personality. i never would have though. at the same time i cant blame him for what he did, just the way he did it. and the way hes very childish in ways and i just totally see him in a different light now. and i dont know if that is going to effect my ability to carry out my emotions for him. i feel myself struggling with the thought of ever being with him again. i wonder if its possible and if when i go down to see him all the feelings will be rekindled. i knew that ultimately this situation he has put us in was going to somehow hinder my ability to feel the same things for him that i once felt before. i kind of saw this coming. that i would be a better person because of all this, he would want to be with me again, and i would be too good for him. but no matter what i will always love him and care for him. hes an amazing person.

i do miss him and i hope that we can be together again someday. i would love that. to just be able to sleep in the same bed as him again, him kissing me in the middle of the night and running his hand along my face. those were the sweetest kisses and i will miss them until they come back to my lips again. i just hope this all works out. i miss him so much.

last night after work, courtney and renee came to my work to eat with me and i asked if they wanted to come with me to get a tattoo. i went to action ink and they priced my tattoo at about 300 bucks. we said 'fuck that' and went to lucky duck. turns out lucky duck is way better. the people are nicer, the work is better and the prices are lower. they did my sparrows for 170. the guy that did them, mitch, did such an awesome job. the birds came out looking better than they did on the wall. im so proud of my birds and happy that i got it done. i am the coolest person i know.

21 more days. im too excited. yessss. im 85 now. i want to be 65 by then. i think i can do it. mos def.