Grave Mistakes (Prologue)
Title: Grave Mistakes
Author: weallfadeaway
Pairing: Tony/Benji
Rating: This CH is PG-13.
Warning: Language.
Disclaimer: I do not know any one in this story.
Summary: I couldn't believe this was the first time I was seeing him in two years, and I was staring at his headstone.
Author's Note: To anyone to ever wishes on shooting stars... that Tony and Benji will have sweaty, hot make up sex.
I couldn't believe this was the first time I was seeing him in two years, and I was staring at his headstone. It almost seemed like a cruel joke. One of the last things he told me before I left his house was that he never wanted to see me again. Well, you got your wish, Benj. You never had to. But, goddamnit, right now, I wish that everyday we were apart... no matter how much he didn't want me there... that I hadn't have listened. That I could have breached the gap. That I could have repaired our broken relationship.
Because I know that everyday that I had to live without him was absolute hell. And now... I have to live without him. No option. No choice.
The most ironic thing? He died of an overdose. On the very same substance that he broke up with me for abusing.
I didn't know much about it. Just what Matt would tell me over the phone. But, rumor is, that he bought an ounce of cocaine, an ounce of weed, two bottles of whiskey, and a case of beer, and he threw himself a one man, two day long party. Dedicated to me.
That's what makes this hurt the most. That he was hurting just as much as I was. That I could have made everything better. That everything was fixable. But we were both so stupid, and caught up in petty bullshit to remember why we were still together after so many years. It was because of all the love we had for eachother. Because, no matter what, no one would ever mean to me what Benji did. And when we were together, something inside me just knew that this was the person that I was going to be waking up next to when I was old and wrinkley.
But... all that's gone. Because of me. Because I was the person who taught him how to snort cocaine. Because I was the person who broke his heart. Because I was the person who chose coke over him and made the worst mistake of my life.
I traced the letters of his name with my index finger, lightly, as my crying seemed to slow, some. I think it was just because I had been crying since I heard, and really didn't have many tears left to give.
"God, Benj... I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I do know that the last couple of years have been hell. You made my life so much better, and knowing that you won't ever be in it again... I can't really describe it. You were everything to me, Benj. You were my world. And when you took that away from me, I was lost. I had to figure out how to just be Tony again, and I didn't know how. I still don't know how. Fuck... I'm not sure I ever will, cuz you're so much a part of who I am. And you always will be." I said, "I do know... I'm never going to love anyone else. I just... can't."
"Well, that really doesn't seem fair to you, now does it?" a voice said.
I turned around to find Joel, his red, swollen eyes looking up at me, filled with concern. Which I really wasn't understanding. His other half just died and... he's concerned for me?
"I couldn't do it, Joel. I could never move on from Benji... No one's ever going to be like him And no one's ever going to love me like he did. And I was an idiot for never telling him that. And I was an even bigger idiot for not quitting the drugs when I had the choice. If I did, then he never would have..."
"Tony, it's not your fault." he sighed, "We all... Benj was a fucking idiot. God, we all wish that it wouldn't have happened. But, it wasn't your fault."
"How the fuck can you say that Joel?" I asked, "Cuz it is. It is my fault, and... god, I just wish it had been me. Why couldn't it have been me?"
I collapsed onto the ground, sitting indian style and staring straight at the grave. Joel moved and put a hand on my shoulder, coming to sit beside me.
"Tony, you know that wouldn't have been any better. Then, Benji would just be in the position you're in now." he said, "Either way, the both of you were stupid. And you can't change that now."
"Fuck you, I can't." I said, wiping my face, and pushing myself up off the grass.
"Tony, wait!" he called out after me, running to catch me just as I reached my car. "Where are you going?"
"To find someone who can help. Anyone. I need him back." I said, as I got into the driver's seat, instantly focusing on the small cross necklace hanging from the rear-view mirror. Benji had given it to me on our three month anniversary, and it had been in the Cadillac ever since. I smiled slightly at the memory, taking it in between my fingers for a moment, before turning my attention back to Joel.
"Tony. There is no getting him back." he spoke, matter-of-factly.
"No... you're not getting me, Joel. I don't care if I have to build a time machine, or eat a chicken fetus for some voodoo ritual, or... kiss my own mother! I will do anything, Joel. I am getting Benji back."
I looked at him for a minute and I could tell he was having an internal debate on the state of my sanity. Sure, showing up to your ex-lover's grave, smelling like death with three-days worth of stubble on your face, wasn't the best way to convince someone you were thinking clearly. But I was sure that I could find an answer. I mean, I had to try. This was Benji, after all.
"So, you coming or not?" I asked him.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, hope you enjoyed it. =D
Author: weallfadeaway
Pairing: Tony/Benji
Rating: This CH is PG-13.
Warning: Language.
Disclaimer: I do not know any one in this story.
Summary: I couldn't believe this was the first time I was seeing him in two years, and I was staring at his headstone.
Author's Note: To anyone to ever wishes on shooting stars... that Tony and Benji will have sweaty, hot make up sex.
I couldn't believe this was the first time I was seeing him in two years, and I was staring at his headstone. It almost seemed like a cruel joke. One of the last things he told me before I left his house was that he never wanted to see me again. Well, you got your wish, Benj. You never had to. But, goddamnit, right now, I wish that everyday we were apart... no matter how much he didn't want me there... that I hadn't have listened. That I could have breached the gap. That I could have repaired our broken relationship.
Because I know that everyday that I had to live without him was absolute hell. And now... I have to live without him. No option. No choice.
The most ironic thing? He died of an overdose. On the very same substance that he broke up with me for abusing.
I didn't know much about it. Just what Matt would tell me over the phone. But, rumor is, that he bought an ounce of cocaine, an ounce of weed, two bottles of whiskey, and a case of beer, and he threw himself a one man, two day long party. Dedicated to me.
That's what makes this hurt the most. That he was hurting just as much as I was. That I could have made everything better. That everything was fixable. But we were both so stupid, and caught up in petty bullshit to remember why we were still together after so many years. It was because of all the love we had for eachother. Because, no matter what, no one would ever mean to me what Benji did. And when we were together, something inside me just knew that this was the person that I was going to be waking up next to when I was old and wrinkley.
But... all that's gone. Because of me. Because I was the person who taught him how to snort cocaine. Because I was the person who broke his heart. Because I was the person who chose coke over him and made the worst mistake of my life.
I traced the letters of his name with my index finger, lightly, as my crying seemed to slow, some. I think it was just because I had been crying since I heard, and really didn't have many tears left to give.
"God, Benj... I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I do know that the last couple of years have been hell. You made my life so much better, and knowing that you won't ever be in it again... I can't really describe it. You were everything to me, Benj. You were my world. And when you took that away from me, I was lost. I had to figure out how to just be Tony again, and I didn't know how. I still don't know how. Fuck... I'm not sure I ever will, cuz you're so much a part of who I am. And you always will be." I said, "I do know... I'm never going to love anyone else. I just... can't."
"Well, that really doesn't seem fair to you, now does it?" a voice said.
I turned around to find Joel, his red, swollen eyes looking up at me, filled with concern. Which I really wasn't understanding. His other half just died and... he's concerned for me?
"I couldn't do it, Joel. I could never move on from Benji... No one's ever going to be like him And no one's ever going to love me like he did. And I was an idiot for never telling him that. And I was an even bigger idiot for not quitting the drugs when I had the choice. If I did, then he never would have..."
"Tony, it's not your fault." he sighed, "We all... Benj was a fucking idiot. God, we all wish that it wouldn't have happened. But, it wasn't your fault."
"How the fuck can you say that Joel?" I asked, "Cuz it is. It is my fault, and... god, I just wish it had been me. Why couldn't it have been me?"
I collapsed onto the ground, sitting indian style and staring straight at the grave. Joel moved and put a hand on my shoulder, coming to sit beside me.
"Tony, you know that wouldn't have been any better. Then, Benji would just be in the position you're in now." he said, "Either way, the both of you were stupid. And you can't change that now."
"Fuck you, I can't." I said, wiping my face, and pushing myself up off the grass.
"Tony, wait!" he called out after me, running to catch me just as I reached my car. "Where are you going?"
"To find someone who can help. Anyone. I need him back." I said, as I got into the driver's seat, instantly focusing on the small cross necklace hanging from the rear-view mirror. Benji had given it to me on our three month anniversary, and it had been in the Cadillac ever since. I smiled slightly at the memory, taking it in between my fingers for a moment, before turning my attention back to Joel.
"Tony. There is no getting him back." he spoke, matter-of-factly.
"No... you're not getting me, Joel. I don't care if I have to build a time machine, or eat a chicken fetus for some voodoo ritual, or... kiss my own mother! I will do anything, Joel. I am getting Benji back."
I looked at him for a minute and I could tell he was having an internal debate on the state of my sanity. Sure, showing up to your ex-lover's grave, smelling like death with three-days worth of stubble on your face, wasn't the best way to convince someone you were thinking clearly. But I was sure that I could find an answer. I mean, I had to try. This was Benji, after all.
"So, you coming or not?" I asked him.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, hope you enjoyed it. =D