I'm using this journal again.
I feel like I should really be apologizing for the yesterdays, and I feel like this everyday. Because everyday I am learning new things, understanding better, maybe maturing, I hope to god?
It's just like, I look back on things I have said, thought, done, wanted to do.. etc, and want to slap myself. I just read some of my journal entrys and am like 'wteff???' I don't even know what posesses me to write these things.
On the other hand, this is my journal.
I'm so caught up in myself, self absorbed, making everything so complicated, when really it shouldn't be. I really just want to be happy and want people around my to accept me because that is how simple it really is. That is how I am thinking.
It's hard, though. Sometimes I feel helpless and I can't think clearly enough to know how to make myself feel okay. I guess that's what cutting is. I mean, I've heard people say what it is and I've thought I have understood it, but really I have not. I do now, I mean I think I do. I think it is a control game. I think when I am mad, and I'm trying to fix things but am too thick to, the only way out is to gain control, give a reality check, forget, I guess. I'm stopping. I'm off meds, my relationships are better, I'm making friends, and I'm trying to find an outlet. Things such as this are hard to put into words, I think.
I'm an ass. I really am. It's just a given, a fucking given. Acting like I understood everything and all. I really thought I did, and when people told me I didn't I got pissed and cut. That's how lame it was.
I don't want to be mad anymore. I never really wanted to be, but now I'm realizing how wothless it really is. I'm moving on and forgetting about things. I just wish others could do the same. But that is the price one pays I guess. Maybe in the end it's all worth it, I hope.
I really don't have anything to be upset about, now.
I got a new wetsuit for Christmas so I can go surfing with Ryan during the winter without having to borrow one from Bob. It's really nice, my mom gave it to me. ...Along with every Molly Ringwald movie under the sun.
Things are better between her and I, much better.
My dad gave me a Camera and a Cell Phone. I just... fdlskafjkdlas;fkdlsa;fjkdla;
I got the HP digital camera.. I'm going outside to take pictures of the snow in a few. It's the fucking best.
My cell phone, oh god. I'm just glad I finally got one. My dad went on and on about how I wouldn't get one until I was 16.. when I opened it my jaw dropped and he just laughed. I still don't even know how to explain how I felt.
I got so much more.. little things mostly, but it was all great stuff. 2004=bestchristmasever.
I felt selfish, after opening the camera, and then the phone... I wanted to give it back. I'm still not really sure if I desserve that much. I'm too much of a girl. Whenever my dad buys me something I just think about how he flys out to Michigan every week, works by himself for pretty much every waking hour of his, and comes home for 2 days and deals with me and my brothers. I want to cry because I think of how much he has sacraficed to keep my brothers and my happy. He's worked so hard and he still does. I remember doing an English paper on him and I had to interview him. Somewhere along the line he told me his goal in life was to die with his children well off. That made me cry. I don't think I would ever be able to do what he is doing.
I should really give some credit to my mother now. Giving her life up, raising three todlers on her own.
/applause.
She is amazing.
Anyways... this Christmas was wonderful. My parents are god.
I'm going outside to take pictures with my puppy. Belle has my earmuffs on right now. Belle is the dawgy... fizzle.
It's just like, I look back on things I have said, thought, done, wanted to do.. etc, and want to slap myself. I just read some of my journal entrys and am like 'wteff???' I don't even know what posesses me to write these things.
On the other hand, this is my journal.
I'm so caught up in myself, self absorbed, making everything so complicated, when really it shouldn't be. I really just want to be happy and want people around my to accept me because that is how simple it really is. That is how I am thinking.
It's hard, though. Sometimes I feel helpless and I can't think clearly enough to know how to make myself feel okay. I guess that's what cutting is. I mean, I've heard people say what it is and I've thought I have understood it, but really I have not. I do now, I mean I think I do. I think it is a control game. I think when I am mad, and I'm trying to fix things but am too thick to, the only way out is to gain control, give a reality check, forget, I guess. I'm stopping. I'm off meds, my relationships are better, I'm making friends, and I'm trying to find an outlet. Things such as this are hard to put into words, I think.
I'm an ass. I really am. It's just a given, a fucking given. Acting like I understood everything and all. I really thought I did, and when people told me I didn't I got pissed and cut. That's how lame it was.
I don't want to be mad anymore. I never really wanted to be, but now I'm realizing how wothless it really is. I'm moving on and forgetting about things. I just wish others could do the same. But that is the price one pays I guess. Maybe in the end it's all worth it, I hope.
I really don't have anything to be upset about, now.
I got a new wetsuit for Christmas so I can go surfing with Ryan during the winter without having to borrow one from Bob. It's really nice, my mom gave it to me. ...Along with every Molly Ringwald movie under the sun.
Things are better between her and I, much better.
My dad gave me a Camera and a Cell Phone. I just... fdlskafjkdlas;fkdlsa;fjkdla;
I got the HP digital camera.. I'm going outside to take pictures of the snow in a few. It's the fucking best.
My cell phone, oh god. I'm just glad I finally got one. My dad went on and on about how I wouldn't get one until I was 16.. when I opened it my jaw dropped and he just laughed. I still don't even know how to explain how I felt.
I got so much more.. little things mostly, but it was all great stuff. 2004=bestchristmasever.
I felt selfish, after opening the camera, and then the phone... I wanted to give it back. I'm still not really sure if I desserve that much. I'm too much of a girl. Whenever my dad buys me something I just think about how he flys out to Michigan every week, works by himself for pretty much every waking hour of his, and comes home for 2 days and deals with me and my brothers. I want to cry because I think of how much he has sacraficed to keep my brothers and my happy. He's worked so hard and he still does. I remember doing an English paper on him and I had to interview him. Somewhere along the line he told me his goal in life was to die with his children well off. That made me cry. I don't think I would ever be able to do what he is doing.
I should really give some credit to my mother now. Giving her life up, raising three todlers on her own.
/applause.
She is amazing.
Anyways... this Christmas was wonderful. My parents are god.
I'm going outside to take pictures with my puppy. Belle has my earmuffs on right now. Belle is the dawgy... fizzle.