Fuck, my eyes hurt
And the only reason we got into a fight was because she came over on Friday and I knew then I wouldn't see her the rest of the weekend. I admit it, I wish she came over Saturday. I needed the extra buffer day after my friend left
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Now I feel even worse than before.
The thing is sweety, I thought I had a lot to offer. I know I have a lot to offer. It's just finding the right woman who appreciates me, but most of all, loves herself. That is the key, my dear.
You know I love you. Don't be so hard on me. I'm human. Harmless, but human nonetheless.
Even when I do slip (RARE, SO RARE) I am still in control of myself. All I could do was sit and cry. I nearly cried at dinner too. Ridiculous, really. It really is. We're not dating or anything. I just feel like I have disappointed her once again...I can't handle that. I don't like feeling unappreciated. I try, Regina...I really try. I want so much out of life. Dead weights don't help.
Just love me, that's all I ask. Don't be in love with me...just care about me...want to hold me...smile at me...spend time with me. Is that too much to ask?
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Quite frankly dear, she doesn't sound worth it... sounds like she brings very little to the table at all... and perhaps because of this you felt that she would HAVE to give you what you need...
You have a lot to offer, I know you know that you do, but until you start acting like you do, it's going to be hard for people to see that.
You're going to be fine... you just shouldn't go compromising yourself over any silly cooze.. :P
*hugs*
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Am I turning into "one of those?" The very people I despise? Or, have I just been hurt and disappointed by everyone and I mean EVERYONE, that I have little expectations of people. I've given up on sweet surprises. They don't happen. All I see is me giving and giving more of myself, whether emotionally or what not...and people keep taking and taking and taking. I fear the point that I have no more to give.
Pardon the less than accurate comparison, but it's like emotional rape.
They take, I give. I give, they refuse. The pattern is the same. I don't see anyone giving to me.
So here I sit, at home, alone...my fucking allergies are fucking me up...just me and a cup of tea. I look out the window and continue to wait. People pass by, no one stops.
One of two things needs to happen in this situation. We come to find an understanding about yesterday's arguement, agree to forget it and move on from the day before that whole mess or we don't speak ever again. The only way the later can happen is for me to build up enough anger and disappointment. It needs to be on my terms. I need to make the decision to have her out of my life forever and I need to have enough reason to want that.
There aren't enough reasons now. They are all trivial and can be worked out. The way this whole arguement started was because I said what I was feeling, what was making me upset, what disappointed me.
I made her listen. That does nothing but escalate the problem. Rather than listen there is always a defense.
Even now, as I sit here and type, my throat near exploding, I plan to get dressed, drag my ass out of this house and bring her flowers.
Why, you ask?
I called her worthless. Those words echo in my head. I cry thinking about it, I cry writing it. I never meant to say that. I never meant to get to a point of childish bantering games. Say what you mean, mean what you say...that's what I always say...and now I have dishonored my own code. I have disappointed myself.
Will someone make me a cup of tea and rub my back? I'm cold and not feeling well at all.
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