long days and lonely nights

[we_were_kids]

Lately I've been missin Ricky alot. I'm not sure if I actually miss Ricky or if I miss the friendship we had. I miss havin someone to lay with at night, someone to talk to all night, someone who understands shit. Someone who listens when I talk, and someone who will talk back. I miss his company. It gets so lonely havin no one you feel u can talk to about anything. It's not like me and Ricky had a thing or we really had feelings for eachother or anything, like I said, I just miss his company. I felt like he got me... like really understood me. I need that closeness with someone that I seriously lack right now. And I understand why things happened like they did and it's fine with me. I just wish we still had our friendship. So much shit happened in 06. The best and the worst times of my life happened in 06. From all the parties, money, all the fake ass friends to Victor's passing (R.I.P. homeboy) and getting kicked out and living in motels... I'm in such a vunerable place in my life right now... I need a shoulder to lean on right now. That Victor shit really seriously has me fucked up in the head n I'll probly never be the same again. Why can't some people see how close we were. This shit hurts so bad. I can't even speek when Hope brings up shit tied to it. For example, today we were smokin a b and Hope mentioned Tug said to her "I can't believe you still talk to that girl." and Hope told him "you don't understand. u don't know how close they were. most of the memories I have of Victor involve Courtney being there too. The last time I seen him we were smokin a blunt in Courtney's living room.". If only people cared enough to understand. How am I sopose to deal with this? I can't. To know ur the reason someone's son, brother, cousin, nephew, or friend is dead is horrible, especially when u were close to that person. It's a haunting feeling words can't describe. I'll never be able to explain it. There isn't one day he doesn't cross my mind . His number's still in my cell. Sence I pretty much stopped talking to everyone in Hampden sence that happened sometimes it feels like I just stopped talking to him along wth everyone else and hat makes it a little easier to deal with. I just don't feel like he's dead. I still can't believe this shit and it's been months. Thinkin about how his parents must have felt this Christmas kills me. I'm sure not asking for anyone's forgiveness, becuase believe me, I sure don't desurve it, I just wish I could get a little bit of understanding from some of the people who use to call themselves my friends. Very few people stuck by me through all of this and the one who shocked me the most was Hope. I really did not expect her to forgive me. John was the only one who looked at it from my point of view (well, Jay did too) and he talked to Hope about it and it didn't take her long to understand. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We've been friends sence we were 3 or 4... we'll be 20 this year and we're as close as ever. We can count on eachother for anything in this world and we know it. Our friendship is special and unique and I thank God for bringin us togeather. I really think we were put on this earth to live, learn, grow and support eachother. Hopefully we'll be there for eachother untill we die. We've been through so much togeather. I'm the only one who knows all her serets and she's the only one who knows all mine. I wish everyone had a friendship like ours so they'd understand all the love I got for my sister. That girl's my family. We're closer then friends. Enough of this rant.
I miss Jay alot too. I spent my night looking up Ricky and Jay's criminal records. lol.
Oh, I talked to Timmy today, like, spoke to him, on the phone.
So, when is Hell going to freeze over?