(no subject)
I've been going to funerals since I was 5. My mother's family is huge, and full of old, unhealthy Italians. Only a few of them have actually been painful for me, like my grandmother, Aunt, my dads best friend and my cousin who was only 3 months. I was 7 when Hilary died but I'll never be able to erase the image of such a small coffin from my mind. Anyhow, after having been to many funerals, and witnessing my mother's usual attention-seeking behavior leading up to, and following, I don't find myself strongly effected by death. Even at a young age I always thought it was so wrong of my mother to desire attention for someone else's tragedy.
Last week my Uncle Rick, husband of my Aunt Tina and father of 6 of my cousins passed away unexpectedly. On top of it, my Aunt has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer that will most likely take her in the next year. I can't say my Aunt and Uncle were healthy people, because they weren't, but my uncle was 49, and my Aunt is around that age as well.
The tragedy of this loss isn't what effected me most, I feel like I've learned about life this week. Tuesday, the day after my uncle passed I went to their family home to help and comfort them. The things that I saw and heard there were real. Not from a movie, or an embellished story that made it through the grapevine of my mother's ever-exaggerating family.
My cousin and childhood best friend, Jennifer and I sorted through a chest full of her family's letters and pictures to prepare for the wake. I had no clue how romantic my uncle had been. We found so many cards and love letters from their 30 years together. A few were actually letters of apology. They had actually divorced recently, but when my Aunt got sick, my uncle begged to take care of her and she let him. After a few weeks they were back in the house where they had raised 6 kids together. Soon after he proposed to her in their bedroom and they considered themselves remarried.
I know this effects me personally because I grew up closely with this family and truly cherish my relationship with all of them. They've gone through a lot of strife in the last 10 years, from drug abuse to bad relationships. As usual other members of my mother's family have exploited their struggles and looked down on them, using the classic defense mechanism of downward comparison. Regardless of what anyone says about any member of this family, they have been nothing but caring, generous, and supportive to me. I know this to be true because anything I've offered them in recent years felt like nothing compared to what they've done for me. I think that when you help others as a form of charity, or to show that you're a good person, you consciously make a decision to do so. It wasn't that way, it was a gut reaction, and I felt embarrassed when they thanked me.
My love for this family has gotten me far off topic. I initially started to type because I didn't want to forget the things I learned about marriage from my Aunt in mourning. Aside from all the letters and cards that spanned thirty years and expressed the same amount of passion throughout, it was something my aunt said to us about my uncle that stuck with me the most. At one point this family was successful, owning multiple businesses and being known by everyone in the town they lived in. This was partly because my mother's family has always owned multiple businesses in town since the turn of the century. Anyway, my aunt said "Everything I've accomplished, I would say to Rick, "Rick I can't do it, I know I can't" and he would say "Tina, yes you can, go do it". Like I said, save the last 5 or 10 years, my aunt had been an extraordinarily hardworking, talented, shrewd businesswoman and my uncle followed her lead. Anyone that knew them could tell she was the big personality of the relationship. Until that day I would've never thought that my Aunt ever doubted herself about anything. I always saw my uncle as her sense of reality, and voice of reason when she would dream up her next big move. I think there is certainly some truth to that, it was obvious that my aunt is a dreamer, and extremely driven, and my uncle was a realist, but I never knew that he was her drive. Things didn't necessarily end well for my aunt and uncle, but I still view my aunt as a greatly successful woman even if it was short lived.
This notion gave me comfort for the future of my life and relationship. I've always felt that my lack of confidence will hold me back, yet I've accomplished plenty thus far. Nothing extraordinary, really just enough to put me on par with everyone else, but I think I've done well given my circumstances. When I look at my future, I realize now I have someone of my own to say "yes you can" and its as simple as that. If I want something as long as Casey believes in me and will struggle through with me, I can do it. Not for simple words, but what they mean coming from a man who has already pushed me and supported me so much in nearly 4 short years.
Who knows what is in store for me. Honestly I don't have gigantic dreams of being insanely successful. To me the very basic of what I want to accomplish starts with making sure I never develop any sort of addiction. This is because I've watched so many people I love fall victim to substance abuse, and completely miss out on all their potential talent. Secondly, I never want to get divorced. I think a long lasting marriage is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Granted I'm looking in from the outside, seeing as I've mainly grown up with poor examples, but the long term relationships I've witnessed, like my father's parents, or some of my friends parents have for the most part, yielded happy, smart, accomplished children. Which is on to my third goal of raising happy, well adjusted children that aren't forced to grow up too fast, or make excuses for adults.
I've got many ideas for my own professional goals and so does Casey. I'm amazed at his ambition and I plan to use his drive as an example to push myself. As an example of someone who does not waver, and does everything he says he's going to. Thank god for the consistency he's provided in my life.
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