Slava's words
"You do not have your heart in your fencing. In Richmond, I saw a light- coming up at the end of a dark tunnel. Now I do not see that light. If you do not find it again, you will fail in Kansas."
Last night, I think I realized something important. I'm a 'professional' fencer now. It's a bullshit title, but it still means a lot. It means that I can't let my fencing get hurt by anything, whether it be trouble in life, with friends, with family or in work. It means that I've got to be an even colder person when I'm at work.
Also- last night I realized something about Slavic's coaching- as opposed to Sasha's, and how it's changing my fencing. I'm no longer a cerebral fencer, and I no longer have as many options as I used to. I move a ton quicker, and I'm a lot stronger- but I'm slowly losing variety, with every day I practice- more and more of my 'fencing mind' is slipping away. I have three options at this point:
-New coach- I could work with some in place or in addition to slavic.
-Work a lot more with drilling partners. I could implement my ideas about preparing actions and setting touches up with a suitable training partner.
-Have faith in Slavic, and just continue to keep things going the way they are. If I take this option, I'm just going to have to be much more mentally active, to keep myself patient in order to balance out my new-found aggressive physicality.
All in all- I'm not in a good place now. The way Rolando is running his business is screwing my fencing and my life up, as is the way Slavic is pressuring me too much, as is seeing a friend of mine in pain. I think I'll find the right way in the end... but I hope I don't do any damage to anyone, anything, or myself in the process.