snippets from France.
I think that's probably the weirdest thing about it all .. That I just, quite simply, straight out, refuse to accept it. Refuse to accept defeat, if you will. It simply does not get through to me that he might not forgive me eventually, that we might not end up married and desperately in love and grow old together. I just won't let it penetrate, and however much it hurts I just keep trying and trying to get him back into my arms. Why? I don't know. It's not even cockiness or anything, just some sort of theory that if all is right in this world then I will end up with him ..
I think maybe when I'm good and kind to other people, life cuts me some slack, lets me get on fine without him. But then I do bad things and make other people miserable and angry, and karma comes and thwacks me in the face with a hefty dose of you-lost-the-one-most-important-thing-in-your-entire-life-ha-fucking-ha.
I wish he were here, kissing my neck and stroking my shoulders. There's nothing I could want more than that; a beautiful and loving fresh start. He is so beautiful, you see? It is hard not to fall head-over-heels in love with him. So very hard.
Last night he said (and I think he might have had his arm around me at this point), "that's the thing that confuses me most. Is this the real you?" I don't love him. But it's too thick, it's too hard, whatever it is.
IMAGINARY CONVERSATION
: "you know how I always said, if we have a chance again, in my eyes, I won't hesitate to tell you, whatever the circumstances?"
: "I remember, yes."
: "well I suppose that's what I'm doing now. I miss you so much."
Dear whoever, Philly maybe, I dunno, just someone,
I need you so much right now. I need someone to tell me things are going to be okay. I thought it had all finished, this horribly desperate need I have to be with him, the way just lying, silent, in the same room as him makes me cry. I hate him so much, because I'd prefer to blame him than myself. And no-one else can take his place, although I wish they would. No-one else is as phenomenally beautiful AND wonderful and caring and kind as him, all rolled up into one package. How the hell did I manage to spend months assuming he didn't care about me when it was obvious that he loved me? How did I screw it up so badly? It was all so fucking perfect and it could still have been perfect if I'd worked hard enough at something that was just lying there for me.. And now it's dead. His word of last October, "dead". And now no-one will ever be able to live up to this boy who I'll never get to have in my life again.
I just got a little bit silly, you know? I mean, all we've been through and everything, sometimes it gets too much, you know. I mean, there was a lot, a lot happened, things changed so much, you know?
"I remember the day after the prom, sitting at the station. I was so happy. I couldn't imagine being more happy, ever."
Dear _____,
I just need someone right now you right now. I need you to hold me and tell me that I can be a good person if I try hard enough, and that I’m worth caring about, deep down underneath it all. I need you to stick by me and help me find out why I do the things I do, why I sometimes seem to try to ruin other people’s lives, and always end up ruining my own.
I need you to understand how damn wonderful you are, even though I’ve thought this over and it would hurt me so much if I were in your situation. I need you to understand that I thought there was something crazy-special between us, despite all the complications, and that it is only the reappearance (in such a heartbreaking fashion) of someone who has known me my entire life that has stopped me wanting to find out what could happen between us.
A lesson I ought to have learnt, but didn’t, is that perhaps I work better on my own, or at least need to try to. As soon as I am in a relationship I lean so heavily on the other person for support and I can’t do that to anyone else; it’s not good for me and it’s not good for them.
I love you so much, I don’t know how and I don’t particularly care to know, but I want you in my life right now. Nevertheless, I understand completely if you don’t want to be part of it. _____ was right, I am terrible trouble, and I have to admit I might ruin so much for you. I just want everyone to be happy.
Oh, and I got to second gear.