it's times like these where we just have to sit and watch.
this afternoon, as i was putting on my floor length vibrant pink dress and curled my hair and tied my ballet slippers, i looked in the mirror and noted: look how far i've gotten.
and as i sit here, nostalgic and nervous out of my bloody mind about what's to come, i realize that i have gotten this far and i can barely enjoy it with all of the other distractions in my life. the many, many distractions.
because even if i am fully dressed as mrs. bennet or speaking with my english accent or waving my fan desperately through the air, i, underneath it all, i am really just allison, a weak girl with so much on her mind and so many emotions.
and i can't help but wonder sometimes why i do it, and why i love it so. from one point of view, it's because of all the friends i have made and all the moments i've shared.
...but truthfully, it's because maybe if i'm lucky, even for one moment, i can feel the way another person feels. and for one moment, i don't have to be distracted with my trivial (or not so trivial) problems (...if only you knew). and for one moment, i can know what it's like to be another person, or i can step out of my life and grasp on to someone else's. i don't have to be myself. i am someone else with their own loves and wants and hates and ticks and feelings. it's such an epicanthic feeling, standing on the stage with the lights in your eyes and nothing on your mind but the great need to make new discoveries and to learn something new about what you're doing. that's really why i do it. not for the applause or the attention. really, it's for that one special moment of truth and intimacy that i so desperately hope i am fortunate enough to find. i'm so fucking scared out of my mind.
opening night. one week from today.
if my my arm doesn't fall off before then, or i don't die from a nervous breakdown, or something.
and as i sit here, nostalgic and nervous out of my bloody mind about what's to come, i realize that i have gotten this far and i can barely enjoy it with all of the other distractions in my life. the many, many distractions.
because even if i am fully dressed as mrs. bennet or speaking with my english accent or waving my fan desperately through the air, i, underneath it all, i am really just allison, a weak girl with so much on her mind and so many emotions.
and i can't help but wonder sometimes why i do it, and why i love it so. from one point of view, it's because of all the friends i have made and all the moments i've shared.
...but truthfully, it's because maybe if i'm lucky, even for one moment, i can feel the way another person feels. and for one moment, i don't have to be distracted with my trivial (or not so trivial) problems (...if only you knew). and for one moment, i can know what it's like to be another person, or i can step out of my life and grasp on to someone else's. i don't have to be myself. i am someone else with their own loves and wants and hates and ticks and feelings. it's such an epicanthic feeling, standing on the stage with the lights in your eyes and nothing on your mind but the great need to make new discoveries and to learn something new about what you're doing. that's really why i do it. not for the applause or the attention. really, it's for that one special moment of truth and intimacy that i so desperately hope i am fortunate enough to find. i'm so fucking scared out of my mind.
opening night. one week from today.
if my my arm doesn't fall off before then, or i don't die from a nervous breakdown, or something.