(no subject)
so today, i've been listening to hot rod circuit. weird.
i am insanely bored and feel the need to vent, but don't i always? regardless, i'm going to.
these past few weeks have been somewhat of an awakening for me. what with the whole joyce situation and my parents wanting me out of the house, i've been under a lot of stress. all i have to look forward to right now is the tour with my greatest friends in the world. chris, eric, and nathan know i'll always be there for them and they can always talk to me about anything. that applies to alot of people, as i like, listening and trying to help, but namely them. a few other things i realized are that i'm conceited. i mean, i knew i was before, but sometimes, i'm a little too conceited. but the thing is, when i act conceited, a lot of the times i'm just fooling around, i don't mean it. i actually have quite low self-esteem, so i just say that stuff to create the illusion that i am overly satisfied with myself. sometime last week, i was talking to this kid justin, i hate him a lot. he told me i was fake. i don't know where he's getting his information from, because i don't do anything that would make me fake. i stand behind everything i say. i mean everything i say and i'm sincere about everything i do. so, uhhh. fuck him. i miss a lot of my old friends. and i wish i had more time available to hang out with kids i normally don't. danny warden in particular, he's a great kid and good to talk to. maybe we'll hang out more often. also, i made some new friends over the past week. leah and katie. i hung out with katie at our show tuesday and i am hanging out with leah sunday. i look forward to it. hmmm...i frustrate a lot of people, don't i? i don't do it on purposely. i mean, i get the feeling sometimes i do it to people i care about, and that sucks. another feeling i get alot is that i don't live up to what people expect from me, or i let them down. namely, i feel like i let down chris a lot. and it's the worst feeling in the world. there's some things i'm not so sure of around here. but that's for later. i wish bad things didn't happen to me at good times, because then it just brings me down and in turn, brings down people around me. i wish the joyce thing never happened and i was still with her and happy, but i'm not and i have to deal with it. fuck it. i know this is pretty standard of any breakup, but i do miss her a lot and just wish that we were still together and this is the first time i think i honestly still cared this much for someone after we broke up. i mean, i can't feel contempt or conjure up any sort of anger towards her, even though i should be able to. it's just there's so many good qualities to her and people make mistakes. fuck. i think i'm done. to sum it all up:
i feel very alone and upset.
i feel like i make people i care about frustrated or hate me sometimes.
i feel like i'm not good enough.
nothing will ever be the same again.
somebody please prove me wrong.
oh. and i miss eve and katie caffrey a lot. i think i'd like to hang out with them and their crew soon. when i say i think, i mean it has to happen.
i am insanely bored and feel the need to vent, but don't i always? regardless, i'm going to.
these past few weeks have been somewhat of an awakening for me. what with the whole joyce situation and my parents wanting me out of the house, i've been under a lot of stress. all i have to look forward to right now is the tour with my greatest friends in the world. chris, eric, and nathan know i'll always be there for them and they can always talk to me about anything. that applies to alot of people, as i like, listening and trying to help, but namely them. a few other things i realized are that i'm conceited. i mean, i knew i was before, but sometimes, i'm a little too conceited. but the thing is, when i act conceited, a lot of the times i'm just fooling around, i don't mean it. i actually have quite low self-esteem, so i just say that stuff to create the illusion that i am overly satisfied with myself. sometime last week, i was talking to this kid justin, i hate him a lot. he told me i was fake. i don't know where he's getting his information from, because i don't do anything that would make me fake. i stand behind everything i say. i mean everything i say and i'm sincere about everything i do. so, uhhh. fuck him. i miss a lot of my old friends. and i wish i had more time available to hang out with kids i normally don't. danny warden in particular, he's a great kid and good to talk to. maybe we'll hang out more often. also, i made some new friends over the past week. leah and katie. i hung out with katie at our show tuesday and i am hanging out with leah sunday. i look forward to it. hmmm...i frustrate a lot of people, don't i? i don't do it on purposely. i mean, i get the feeling sometimes i do it to people i care about, and that sucks. another feeling i get alot is that i don't live up to what people expect from me, or i let them down. namely, i feel like i let down chris a lot. and it's the worst feeling in the world. there's some things i'm not so sure of around here. but that's for later. i wish bad things didn't happen to me at good times, because then it just brings me down and in turn, brings down people around me. i wish the joyce thing never happened and i was still with her and happy, but i'm not and i have to deal with it. fuck it. i know this is pretty standard of any breakup, but i do miss her a lot and just wish that we were still together and this is the first time i think i honestly still cared this much for someone after we broke up. i mean, i can't feel contempt or conjure up any sort of anger towards her, even though i should be able to. it's just there's so many good qualities to her and people make mistakes. fuck. i think i'm done. to sum it all up:
i feel very alone and upset.
i feel like i make people i care about frustrated or hate me sometimes.
i feel like i'm not good enough.
nothing will ever be the same again.
somebody please prove me wrong.
oh. and i miss eve and katie caffrey a lot. i think i'd like to hang out with them and their crew soon. when i say i think, i mean it has to happen.