Oh, Baby
Title: Oh, Baby.
Recipient: Seraphim_Grace
Author: vr2lbast
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Schwarz team, humour.
Warnings: Langauge.
"Where is the receiver? You told us he'd be here by now."
Crawford refrained from sighing out loud. Instead, he adjusted his cuffs.
"Relax, Schuldig. Our contact is only ten minutes late. Any number of things could be delaying him. I'm sure we'll be able to make the drop soon enough."
Schuldig snorted. "These businessmen are all talk. They insist that everyone be on time, but don't have the decency to do so themselves. If the matter's that important, there should be someone here to receive the package."
"Point taken," Crawford said, taking out his cell phone. "I'll check with our contact. If nothing else, we can let him know we're here and we're ready for delivery."
"Tell them this damned thing is driving me crazy," Schuldig told him.
"Lin is not a thing," Farfarello said.
Schuldig cast him a dirty look and hitched up the crying bundled he held in his arms. "Would you like to hold it, then?"
Farfarello silently held out his arms and Schuldig began to have second thoughts. He had meant the offer as a joke, not thinking Farfarello would take him up on it. He did not really believe that Farfarello would want to hold an infant and feared what he would do if he tired of the game. Then again, Farfarello tended to be a quiet guy when he wasn't dealing with the church. Schuldig raised his eyes at Crawfod, who shrugged, and then handed the child over. Farfarello adjusted his grip, cradling the infant in one arm, slipped his other beneath her for support, and seemed to think no more about her, staring off into the distance. Miraculously, the baby's screaming died to a mere whimpering.
"I'm surprised you couldn't do that," Nagi said. "Couldn't you calm its mind?"
"Babies are different," Schuldig said. "They don't have real minds. They might as well be lizards."
The look on Schuldig's face made it obvious that he meant what he said; he saw no difference between the two. Nagi shrugged and cast a glance toward Farfarello, but he seemed unaffected by the commentary. Lin, for her part, had settled down further and was drowsing easily in Farfarello's arms.
"No," Schuldig said suddenly, turning toward Crawford, who snapped his phone shut, frowning slightly. "Oh, no no no… I know the feeling coming off of you and I don't like it. Who fucked up, what are we stuck with, and when can we kill them for it?"
"No one 'fucked up'," Crawford said drily. "Some normally ineffective people decided to become competent at a bad time."
"I don't see why this needs to affect my life or the quality of my sleep," Schuldig said. "What the fuck is going on here, Crawford? We were told we had to safeguard a parcel for one of Takatori's cronies. Bad enough we weren't told the parcel was a goddamned baby, now we're stuck with it? If I'm going along with this, I need some kind of explanation."
"Takatori's friend is a respected businessman and his wife well-known within their social circles," Crawford said. "The couple wants children to complete their family, but have had no luck. The man has no desire to leave his wife or take a mistress, so they have decided to adopt."
"Nothing wrong with that," Schuldig sniffed. "I don't see why we need to be involved."
"Nothing wrong with it unless you're purchasing a child from a Chinese couple and treating it with experimental drugs to enhance intelligence and demeanour."
Schuldig gave a low whistle. "I didn't even know you could do that."
"As I've said, it's experimental. Perfect children come at a price." Crawford gestured toward their vehicle, indicating that his team should be on their way. "Our little bundle of joy should be, if all has gone well, a certified genius."
"So what's the problem?"
"Someone on the inventory staff at the lab where these drugs are being produced has suddenly decided to become efficient," Crawford replied. "All the records of the drugs used were…put in order, so to speak, but the people in charge of doing so waited a little too long and the updates haven't entered the inventory system. The matter will be cleared up in good time, but until then those involved are being held back for questioning. That includes our contact."
Schuldig climbed into the front seat and glanced Crawford over, checking both his body language and random thoughts for signs of a lie or a leg pull. "You're not joking, are you?"
"Heaven forbid," Crawford said drily and Nagi cracked a rare smile at the thought as he fastened his seatbelt.
"So how much time is 'in good time'?" Schuldig said, resigned to his fate.
"A day or so. Two at the most. Takatori's friend and his wife will come for the child themselves."
"And they couldn't come today because…"
"This adoption must, on the surface, be like any other. The 'official' papers will not be ready for a day or two, so they cannot be seen with Lin until then. Our contact was supposed to watch the child, but we were always intended as a fallback. This isn't a serious matter, just red tape."
"Great," Schuldig said. He glanced in the rearview mirror where Farfarello was cradling the infant and wondered briefly if such a valuable child shouldn't be in a car seat.
Ah well, Schuldig decided. Having carried it to the rendez-vous point without incident when he thought it was an ordinary baby, he supposed it couldn't be in any more danger now that it was special. And, he admitted to himself, if Farfarello was half as concerned for its safety as he pretended to be, the kid probably had the safest seat in the vehicle.
"We're going to need supplies," Nagi said, ever practical. "We don't have anything to feed a baby or…um…change its diapers."
"Fuck," Schuldig said, seeing a relatively easy job slipping away. Even with the crying, he could have born the thought of an infant around, but once diapers were factored in…
"We'll stop in on the way home," Crawford said, unconcerned.
"All you have to do is go in and ask for what's on the list."
Crawford's tone was reasonable and his logic was flawless, but Schuldig balked.
"Why me?"
"Because you have a better chance of getting in and out without being noticed," Crawford told him. "No one will look at you twice if you convince them there's nothing to see and you'll have a better idea of the best items to buy if the salesgirl has any particular ones in mind."
"No one's going to believe this is my kid!"
"No one has to see her. You're on an errand for your wife."
"I'm too young to be married."
Nagi sighed, pulled himself up to look into the rearview mirror, and practised several puzzled and worried expressions before grabbing the list from Schuldig's hand and getting out of the vehicle. He slouched into the drugstore and, with much shuffling of feet and nervous pulling on his ear, accosted the salesgirl.
"I didn't think he could act like that," Schuldig said, mildly surprised. It was obvious he was trying to listen in. "He even feels sincere."
"Better him than you, then," Farfarello said from the back seat. "You've never been sincere a day in your life."
"Ha and ha," Schuldig said and flipped Farfarello a rude gesture with his left hand. "Asshole."
Nagi stumbled from the shop, looking flustered and grateful, his arms filled with bags of baby-care products. He dropped his smile and reassumed the demeanour of a sour teenager the moment he opened the car door.
"Here's your stuff," he said. "I told her it was for my baby sister."
"Excellent work," Crawford said and Nagi's ears grew faintly red from the praise. "Schuldig, take note. That is how you get things done."
"Fuck you too," Schuldig said amiably, not really caring whether Crawford praised him or not, only that he was not the one who had to buy diapers. "Home now?"
"No. Now we need a place for her to sleep."
"Why do we need a car seat? We're not taking her anywhere once we get home. Look at the price of these things!"
"We are being reimbursed, Schuldig," Crawford said. Although he tried to remain cool and collected, his voice was strained. "The carrier part detaches and can be used as a bed for a night or two."
"I'm worried about the safety standards of this product," Farfarello said. He had passed Lin to Nagi and was now examining the carrier box. Nagi cradled the infant in his arms, but also held her away from his body as though she were a particularly muddy dog.
"You're a psychopathic killer," Schuldig snapped. "You shouldn't give a fuck about a baby."
"I resent that. I only mean to show people the lies of their faith," Farfarello replied. Outwardly, he was calm, but Schuldig could feel the excitement mounting in his head. "If their bodies give out before they understand, it's hardly my fault. Lin is unsullied. She has great potential."
"Sorry I said anything," Schuldig said.
Farfarello put the carrier on the floor and kicked it. The handle snapped.
"Not secure at all," he said as the others stared incredulously at the broken carrier.
"We're going to put her to bed in it, genius," Schuldig snorted, "not punt her around like a football."
"What on earth is going on here?" a salesgirl cried, approaching them. "You can't just…"
This was Schuldig's cue. In the blink of an eye, he was all smiles and charm. "We were just returning this defective merchandise," he said.
"I just saw you…" the girl began.
"We were just returning this defective merchandise," Schuldig insisted and the girl's eyes grew slightly unfocused. "We called the store and were promised a replacement. The next model up, in fact, to show us how much you and the manufacturer value their customers."
It took a moment for the idea to settle, but when it did, the salesgirl stood sharp and lavished all of her attention on the group.
"Of course!" she said. "How silly of me to have forgotten. We have the replacement in the back. If you'll hold on a moment, I'll fetch it immediately!"
"You know, I'm supposed to get a receipt for this," Crawford said.
"So we'll get her to make one up anyway and pocket the money," Schuldig said, unconcerned. "At the price they're charging for these things, we could get an even bigger-screened TV."
Crawford only shook his head.
"No. No, no, and no."
"For someone who thinks babies are lizards, you have a lot of opinions," Nagi said.
"It's not a matter of being a lizard. It's a matter of pride," Schuldig snapped at him.
"You called it a cunt-monkey."
"No cunt-monkey in my presence is going to be dressed in crap."
"Lin is not an 'it'," Farfarello interrupted.
"You had no problem with 'cunt-monkey'," Nagi snapped.
"Both words imply a human ancestry without spiritual meddling," Farfarello told him mildly. Nagi fumed.
Schuldig grinned. Nagi usually affected an air of irritated boredom; seeing him riled was no end of amusement. "If you're going to argue semantics with Farfarello, you might as well cut your own throat right now," he said.
"I'd like to remind everyone that we're trying not to draw attention to ourselves," Crawford interrupted. "No amount of telepathic conviction is going to convince people that they are not seeing a suspicious group of men carrying an infant girl if they are yelling 'cunt-monkey' in a crowded shop."
Fafarello shrugged. "I didn't say it."
Nagi sulked. "I'm not a man."
Schuldig grinned. "I can't believe you just said 'cunt-monkey'."
"We need a few undershirts and a couple of sleepers," Crawford continued, undaunted. "Just pick them out and we can go."
"That's where you're wrong," Schuldig said. "This is an important client. I know this because if it wasn't we wouldn't be babysitting. Also, your brain keeps giving off vibes that are the verbal equivalent of ohshitohshitohshit…"
Crawford said nothing, but adjusted his glasses. Schuldig tipped him a wink.
"Anyway, with an important client, you want to go the extra mile. Right before they're scheduled to pick the kid up, you clean it up and put something pretty on it. Then the client will be impressed by how well taken care of it is. And none of that weird shit with sequins and sparkles, get the jumper with the giraffe. Also, according to that lady standing right over there, you want receiving blankets. Lots and lots of receiving blankets."
"And why, pray tell, are we going to need those?" Crawford said coldly.
Schuldig savoured the moment before answering. "So when she pukes on you, it won't be on your suit."
Nagi grabbed three packages.
"It's water. It's boiling water. Don't tell me you can't boil water."
Crawford sighed and scanned his paperwork. There was actually very little to be done, but he did his best to draw it out as long as possible. While he was doing paperwork, he was not expected to do anything more difficult. Beside him, in her carrier, Lin slept peacefully.
"We need more than that." This from Farfarello.
"No, we don't."
"We have to sterilize the bottles."
"My ass. Not sterilizing is the reason we got hollow bottles and the baggies that look like giant condoms."
"You still have to boil the nipples."
"I'd rather fondle the…"
"Schuldig, measure the damned formula!"
From the sound of it, Nagi was quickly losing his patience. Crawford could not blame him, but he could not bring himself to sympathize either. He had to deal with this kind of thing every day with the added joy of a surly teenager thrown into the mix.
"You're the clever one; you should measure it. Show some fatherly instincts!"
"I'm fifteen! I don't have fatherly instincts!"
Of course, Crawford thought, he didn't need to sympathize to know when the building was about to blow sky-high. Crawford tossed his papers aside and stood, his precognition telling him he had approximately five minutes to intervene before his weekend plans included picking pieces of their apartment out of Tokyo harbour.
"What's the worry anyway?" Schuldig needled. "It's just a howling creature whose injury or death could get us…"
A clattering of dishes suggested that Farfarello's well-timed blow had knocked Schuldig into the counter. Crawford sometimes wondered if the crazy bastard wasn't somewhat precognitive himself.
"What did I say about calling Lin a creature?" Farfarello said mildly. Nagi snickered.
Ah yes, Crawford thought. Schadenfreude. Nature's little stress relief.
The less said about changing diapers, the better.
Nagi pounded on Schuldig's door. "Your turn!"
"Fuck off!" Schuldig grunted from his cavern of blankets, but the knocking persisted and he was finally forced to sit up. Beyond Nagi's midnight drum solo, he could hear a baby crying.
"Again?" he groaned, massaging his temples.
"I fed her last time! It's your turn!" came Nagi's muffled shout.
Schuldig considered telling him to go get Farfarello, who was next on the list, but that would only mean getting up again in an hour or so. It was better to put his time in now and be allowed to sleep in peace.
He slipped on a robe and stumbled sleepily out of his room. Nagi stayed long enough to make sure he was up, shoved the baby into his hands, and vanished, presumably to bury his head under his pillows. It was something Schuldig would have paid good money to do if he thought there would be any takers.
Lin's cries died a little as Schuldig cradled her in his arms and sleepwalked toward the kitchen. This was a first - she usually screamed louder - and Schuldig silently praised whatever powers were working in his favour. The relative quiet allowed him to stay half-asleep, mixing formula by memory rather than by instruction, and zone out on the sofa with the child in his lap. As distracted as he was, he did not notice Farfarello until he spoke.
"She seems to be taking to you."
Startled, it was all Schuldig could do not to jostle the baby when he stiffened. Realizing who was in the room with him, he relaxed and half-slipped back into his stupor.
"Oh, it's you," he said. "Fuck that. She's just hungry." He paused a moment and then eyed Farfarello warily. "Don't you ever sleep?"
"Evil never sleeps and good is ever-vigilant," Farfarello replied and Schuldig could not decide which camp Farfarello saw himself in. "I only meant that she isn't crying as much when you hold her. You were always too tense before. She can tell you don't like her."
Schuldig snorted. "It's…she's…a baby. What's to like? I suppose you're overjoyed to have her here?" It was strange, but unless she really needed something, Lin never cried for Farfarello.
Farfarello shrugged. "Not really, but I don't dislike her either, so I'm not very tense. Besides, she's interesting."
As far as Schuldig was concerned, Lin's natural state was a howling, wriggling lump. There were more interesting things in the world. "How so?"
"Crawford said she was given special treatments to enhance her intelligence and demeanour," Farfarello said, counting this point off on his finger. "Her parents are friends of a very important politician, which means that she is intended for public display and approval. If the treatments work, she will be rich, very intelligent, politically savvy, and have perfect charisma. You don't think that's something worth watching?"
Schuldig looked at the guzzling creature in his arms in a new light. He had gathered from Crawford that the child was valuable and Farfarello had made no attempt to hide his interest, but he hadn't thought of the situation in quite that light. "So salvaging this situation might not look too bad on our record, is what you're saying."
"Well, we don't want to be close enough to make the family uncomfortable," Farfarello smirked, "but owing just enough of a favour to keep in contact can't hurt. One day, when she's old enough to understand and if she seems bright enough for our purposes, Crawford might be able to make her an offer she won't want to refuse. You know how reasonable he can be."
Schuldig chuckled. He knew. Crawford could make promises you wanted to believe. "They're twice as attractive with uncle Schuldig behind them."
Farfarello smiled. "Now there's a frightening thought."
"It's a long time to wait though."
"Sow the seed to reap the crop," Farfarello said. "It might fail, but a chance of success is better than no chance at all."
Schuldig looked down at the baby in his arms and squinted. In the right light, she didn't look too horrible.
"Do you think she'll be a hot number?"
"Better if she's plain," Farfarello said. "Charm is more effective when it's unexpected."
"Ah well," Schuldig said, and grinned. "Eighteen years is too long to wait for a gratitude fuck anyway."
"You're a sinner," Farfarello said amiably.
"That's why you like me."
"I'm almost going to miss the little nipple-chomper."
Schuldig leaned in the doorway as he watched their contacts go. True to Farfarello's predictions, they were very grateful. Not grateful enough to invite them to dinner, but…well… They had Crawford's assurance that Schwarz would be available for a little sidelining whenever their friend Takatori was not in need of them.
"I think sleep deprivation ate your brain," Nagi said sulkily. Not yet privy to the secret plan, he had found nothing redeeming in Lin's visit and was eager to share the depth of his disgust with everyone.
"I don't know," Schuldig told him. "I think she has a lot of potential."
Nagi snorted. "I'm crashing. If anyone wants me, fuck them."
"I hope you have a lot of hot women looking for you then," Schuldig said, weathering Nagi's scalding glare with a grin, "but with my luck, it will just be that Schrient girl."
Cackling, he narrowly avoided a telekinetic barrage of books.
"That's enough," Crawford told the boy. "If you're tired, go to bed, but pick those up before you do."
Nagi obeyed and mentally swept the books back onto their shelves. Then he wandered off to his room with a final scowl in Schuldig's direction. Schuldig tipped him a wink in return.
"I noticed you waited until after he attacked me to send him off," Schuldig said.
Crawford was unperturbed. "You deserved it."
"Probably," Schuldig agreed and closed the door. After a moment of personal debate, he chanced a question. "Is it true that you're hoping to call in favours from that family in the furture?"
"One should never pass up the opportunity to put a few favours by," Crawford said cautiously. "What makes you ask?"
"Just a hunch. I never know what you're seeing when you look into the future."
"At that distance, the future isn't clear," Crawford told him. "Being prepared is just common sense."
"Okay," said Schuldig. "In all its grand unclarity, what do you see in the future?"
Crawford sighed. "Our freedom. I don't know when and I don't know how, but that's what I see. Is that enough?"
Schuldig grinned. He rather thought it was.
For now.
Recipient: Seraphim_Grace
Author: vr2lbast
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Schwarz team, humour.
Warnings: Langauge.
"Where is the receiver? You told us he'd be here by now."
Crawford refrained from sighing out loud. Instead, he adjusted his cuffs.
"Relax, Schuldig. Our contact is only ten minutes late. Any number of things could be delaying him. I'm sure we'll be able to make the drop soon enough."
Schuldig snorted. "These businessmen are all talk. They insist that everyone be on time, but don't have the decency to do so themselves. If the matter's that important, there should be someone here to receive the package."
"Point taken," Crawford said, taking out his cell phone. "I'll check with our contact. If nothing else, we can let him know we're here and we're ready for delivery."
"Tell them this damned thing is driving me crazy," Schuldig told him.
"Lin is not a thing," Farfarello said.
Schuldig cast him a dirty look and hitched up the crying bundled he held in his arms. "Would you like to hold it, then?"
Farfarello silently held out his arms and Schuldig began to have second thoughts. He had meant the offer as a joke, not thinking Farfarello would take him up on it. He did not really believe that Farfarello would want to hold an infant and feared what he would do if he tired of the game. Then again, Farfarello tended to be a quiet guy when he wasn't dealing with the church. Schuldig raised his eyes at Crawfod, who shrugged, and then handed the child over. Farfarello adjusted his grip, cradling the infant in one arm, slipped his other beneath her for support, and seemed to think no more about her, staring off into the distance. Miraculously, the baby's screaming died to a mere whimpering.
"I'm surprised you couldn't do that," Nagi said. "Couldn't you calm its mind?"
"Babies are different," Schuldig said. "They don't have real minds. They might as well be lizards."
The look on Schuldig's face made it obvious that he meant what he said; he saw no difference between the two. Nagi shrugged and cast a glance toward Farfarello, but he seemed unaffected by the commentary. Lin, for her part, had settled down further and was drowsing easily in Farfarello's arms.
"No," Schuldig said suddenly, turning toward Crawford, who snapped his phone shut, frowning slightly. "Oh, no no no… I know the feeling coming off of you and I don't like it. Who fucked up, what are we stuck with, and when can we kill them for it?"
"No one 'fucked up'," Crawford said drily. "Some normally ineffective people decided to become competent at a bad time."
"I don't see why this needs to affect my life or the quality of my sleep," Schuldig said. "What the fuck is going on here, Crawford? We were told we had to safeguard a parcel for one of Takatori's cronies. Bad enough we weren't told the parcel was a goddamned baby, now we're stuck with it? If I'm going along with this, I need some kind of explanation."
"Takatori's friend is a respected businessman and his wife well-known within their social circles," Crawford said. "The couple wants children to complete their family, but have had no luck. The man has no desire to leave his wife or take a mistress, so they have decided to adopt."
"Nothing wrong with that," Schuldig sniffed. "I don't see why we need to be involved."
"Nothing wrong with it unless you're purchasing a child from a Chinese couple and treating it with experimental drugs to enhance intelligence and demeanour."
Schuldig gave a low whistle. "I didn't even know you could do that."
"As I've said, it's experimental. Perfect children come at a price." Crawford gestured toward their vehicle, indicating that his team should be on their way. "Our little bundle of joy should be, if all has gone well, a certified genius."
"So what's the problem?"
"Someone on the inventory staff at the lab where these drugs are being produced has suddenly decided to become efficient," Crawford replied. "All the records of the drugs used were…put in order, so to speak, but the people in charge of doing so waited a little too long and the updates haven't entered the inventory system. The matter will be cleared up in good time, but until then those involved are being held back for questioning. That includes our contact."
Schuldig climbed into the front seat and glanced Crawford over, checking both his body language and random thoughts for signs of a lie or a leg pull. "You're not joking, are you?"
"Heaven forbid," Crawford said drily and Nagi cracked a rare smile at the thought as he fastened his seatbelt.
"So how much time is 'in good time'?" Schuldig said, resigned to his fate.
"A day or so. Two at the most. Takatori's friend and his wife will come for the child themselves."
"And they couldn't come today because…"
"This adoption must, on the surface, be like any other. The 'official' papers will not be ready for a day or two, so they cannot be seen with Lin until then. Our contact was supposed to watch the child, but we were always intended as a fallback. This isn't a serious matter, just red tape."
"Great," Schuldig said. He glanced in the rearview mirror where Farfarello was cradling the infant and wondered briefly if such a valuable child shouldn't be in a car seat.
Ah well, Schuldig decided. Having carried it to the rendez-vous point without incident when he thought it was an ordinary baby, he supposed it couldn't be in any more danger now that it was special. And, he admitted to himself, if Farfarello was half as concerned for its safety as he pretended to be, the kid probably had the safest seat in the vehicle.
"We're going to need supplies," Nagi said, ever practical. "We don't have anything to feed a baby or…um…change its diapers."
"Fuck," Schuldig said, seeing a relatively easy job slipping away. Even with the crying, he could have born the thought of an infant around, but once diapers were factored in…
"We'll stop in on the way home," Crawford said, unconcerned.
"All you have to do is go in and ask for what's on the list."
Crawford's tone was reasonable and his logic was flawless, but Schuldig balked.
"Why me?"
"Because you have a better chance of getting in and out without being noticed," Crawford told him. "No one will look at you twice if you convince them there's nothing to see and you'll have a better idea of the best items to buy if the salesgirl has any particular ones in mind."
"No one's going to believe this is my kid!"
"No one has to see her. You're on an errand for your wife."
"I'm too young to be married."
Nagi sighed, pulled himself up to look into the rearview mirror, and practised several puzzled and worried expressions before grabbing the list from Schuldig's hand and getting out of the vehicle. He slouched into the drugstore and, with much shuffling of feet and nervous pulling on his ear, accosted the salesgirl.
"I didn't think he could act like that," Schuldig said, mildly surprised. It was obvious he was trying to listen in. "He even feels sincere."
"Better him than you, then," Farfarello said from the back seat. "You've never been sincere a day in your life."
"Ha and ha," Schuldig said and flipped Farfarello a rude gesture with his left hand. "Asshole."
Nagi stumbled from the shop, looking flustered and grateful, his arms filled with bags of baby-care products. He dropped his smile and reassumed the demeanour of a sour teenager the moment he opened the car door.
"Here's your stuff," he said. "I told her it was for my baby sister."
"Excellent work," Crawford said and Nagi's ears grew faintly red from the praise. "Schuldig, take note. That is how you get things done."
"Fuck you too," Schuldig said amiably, not really caring whether Crawford praised him or not, only that he was not the one who had to buy diapers. "Home now?"
"No. Now we need a place for her to sleep."
"Why do we need a car seat? We're not taking her anywhere once we get home. Look at the price of these things!"
"We are being reimbursed, Schuldig," Crawford said. Although he tried to remain cool and collected, his voice was strained. "The carrier part detaches and can be used as a bed for a night or two."
"I'm worried about the safety standards of this product," Farfarello said. He had passed Lin to Nagi and was now examining the carrier box. Nagi cradled the infant in his arms, but also held her away from his body as though she were a particularly muddy dog.
"You're a psychopathic killer," Schuldig snapped. "You shouldn't give a fuck about a baby."
"I resent that. I only mean to show people the lies of their faith," Farfarello replied. Outwardly, he was calm, but Schuldig could feel the excitement mounting in his head. "If their bodies give out before they understand, it's hardly my fault. Lin is unsullied. She has great potential."
"Sorry I said anything," Schuldig said.
Farfarello put the carrier on the floor and kicked it. The handle snapped.
"Not secure at all," he said as the others stared incredulously at the broken carrier.
"We're going to put her to bed in it, genius," Schuldig snorted, "not punt her around like a football."
"What on earth is going on here?" a salesgirl cried, approaching them. "You can't just…"
This was Schuldig's cue. In the blink of an eye, he was all smiles and charm. "We were just returning this defective merchandise," he said.
"I just saw you…" the girl began.
"We were just returning this defective merchandise," Schuldig insisted and the girl's eyes grew slightly unfocused. "We called the store and were promised a replacement. The next model up, in fact, to show us how much you and the manufacturer value their customers."
It took a moment for the idea to settle, but when it did, the salesgirl stood sharp and lavished all of her attention on the group.
"Of course!" she said. "How silly of me to have forgotten. We have the replacement in the back. If you'll hold on a moment, I'll fetch it immediately!"
"You know, I'm supposed to get a receipt for this," Crawford said.
"So we'll get her to make one up anyway and pocket the money," Schuldig said, unconcerned. "At the price they're charging for these things, we could get an even bigger-screened TV."
Crawford only shook his head.
"No. No, no, and no."
"For someone who thinks babies are lizards, you have a lot of opinions," Nagi said.
"It's not a matter of being a lizard. It's a matter of pride," Schuldig snapped at him.
"You called it a cunt-monkey."
"No cunt-monkey in my presence is going to be dressed in crap."
"Lin is not an 'it'," Farfarello interrupted.
"You had no problem with 'cunt-monkey'," Nagi snapped.
"Both words imply a human ancestry without spiritual meddling," Farfarello told him mildly. Nagi fumed.
Schuldig grinned. Nagi usually affected an air of irritated boredom; seeing him riled was no end of amusement. "If you're going to argue semantics with Farfarello, you might as well cut your own throat right now," he said.
"I'd like to remind everyone that we're trying not to draw attention to ourselves," Crawford interrupted. "No amount of telepathic conviction is going to convince people that they are not seeing a suspicious group of men carrying an infant girl if they are yelling 'cunt-monkey' in a crowded shop."
Fafarello shrugged. "I didn't say it."
Nagi sulked. "I'm not a man."
Schuldig grinned. "I can't believe you just said 'cunt-monkey'."
"We need a few undershirts and a couple of sleepers," Crawford continued, undaunted. "Just pick them out and we can go."
"That's where you're wrong," Schuldig said. "This is an important client. I know this because if it wasn't we wouldn't be babysitting. Also, your brain keeps giving off vibes that are the verbal equivalent of ohshitohshitohshit…"
Crawford said nothing, but adjusted his glasses. Schuldig tipped him a wink.
"Anyway, with an important client, you want to go the extra mile. Right before they're scheduled to pick the kid up, you clean it up and put something pretty on it. Then the client will be impressed by how well taken care of it is. And none of that weird shit with sequins and sparkles, get the jumper with the giraffe. Also, according to that lady standing right over there, you want receiving blankets. Lots and lots of receiving blankets."
"And why, pray tell, are we going to need those?" Crawford said coldly.
Schuldig savoured the moment before answering. "So when she pukes on you, it won't be on your suit."
Nagi grabbed three packages.
"It's water. It's boiling water. Don't tell me you can't boil water."
Crawford sighed and scanned his paperwork. There was actually very little to be done, but he did his best to draw it out as long as possible. While he was doing paperwork, he was not expected to do anything more difficult. Beside him, in her carrier, Lin slept peacefully.
"We need more than that." This from Farfarello.
"No, we don't."
"We have to sterilize the bottles."
"My ass. Not sterilizing is the reason we got hollow bottles and the baggies that look like giant condoms."
"You still have to boil the nipples."
"I'd rather fondle the…"
"Schuldig, measure the damned formula!"
From the sound of it, Nagi was quickly losing his patience. Crawford could not blame him, but he could not bring himself to sympathize either. He had to deal with this kind of thing every day with the added joy of a surly teenager thrown into the mix.
"You're the clever one; you should measure it. Show some fatherly instincts!"
"I'm fifteen! I don't have fatherly instincts!"
Of course, Crawford thought, he didn't need to sympathize to know when the building was about to blow sky-high. Crawford tossed his papers aside and stood, his precognition telling him he had approximately five minutes to intervene before his weekend plans included picking pieces of their apartment out of Tokyo harbour.
"What's the worry anyway?" Schuldig needled. "It's just a howling creature whose injury or death could get us…"
A clattering of dishes suggested that Farfarello's well-timed blow had knocked Schuldig into the counter. Crawford sometimes wondered if the crazy bastard wasn't somewhat precognitive himself.
"What did I say about calling Lin a creature?" Farfarello said mildly. Nagi snickered.
Ah yes, Crawford thought. Schadenfreude. Nature's little stress relief.
The less said about changing diapers, the better.
Nagi pounded on Schuldig's door. "Your turn!"
"Fuck off!" Schuldig grunted from his cavern of blankets, but the knocking persisted and he was finally forced to sit up. Beyond Nagi's midnight drum solo, he could hear a baby crying.
"Again?" he groaned, massaging his temples.
"I fed her last time! It's your turn!" came Nagi's muffled shout.
Schuldig considered telling him to go get Farfarello, who was next on the list, but that would only mean getting up again in an hour or so. It was better to put his time in now and be allowed to sleep in peace.
He slipped on a robe and stumbled sleepily out of his room. Nagi stayed long enough to make sure he was up, shoved the baby into his hands, and vanished, presumably to bury his head under his pillows. It was something Schuldig would have paid good money to do if he thought there would be any takers.
Lin's cries died a little as Schuldig cradled her in his arms and sleepwalked toward the kitchen. This was a first - she usually screamed louder - and Schuldig silently praised whatever powers were working in his favour. The relative quiet allowed him to stay half-asleep, mixing formula by memory rather than by instruction, and zone out on the sofa with the child in his lap. As distracted as he was, he did not notice Farfarello until he spoke.
"She seems to be taking to you."
Startled, it was all Schuldig could do not to jostle the baby when he stiffened. Realizing who was in the room with him, he relaxed and half-slipped back into his stupor.
"Oh, it's you," he said. "Fuck that. She's just hungry." He paused a moment and then eyed Farfarello warily. "Don't you ever sleep?"
"Evil never sleeps and good is ever-vigilant," Farfarello replied and Schuldig could not decide which camp Farfarello saw himself in. "I only meant that she isn't crying as much when you hold her. You were always too tense before. She can tell you don't like her."
Schuldig snorted. "It's…she's…a baby. What's to like? I suppose you're overjoyed to have her here?" It was strange, but unless she really needed something, Lin never cried for Farfarello.
Farfarello shrugged. "Not really, but I don't dislike her either, so I'm not very tense. Besides, she's interesting."
As far as Schuldig was concerned, Lin's natural state was a howling, wriggling lump. There were more interesting things in the world. "How so?"
"Crawford said she was given special treatments to enhance her intelligence and demeanour," Farfarello said, counting this point off on his finger. "Her parents are friends of a very important politician, which means that she is intended for public display and approval. If the treatments work, she will be rich, very intelligent, politically savvy, and have perfect charisma. You don't think that's something worth watching?"
Schuldig looked at the guzzling creature in his arms in a new light. He had gathered from Crawford that the child was valuable and Farfarello had made no attempt to hide his interest, but he hadn't thought of the situation in quite that light. "So salvaging this situation might not look too bad on our record, is what you're saying."
"Well, we don't want to be close enough to make the family uncomfortable," Farfarello smirked, "but owing just enough of a favour to keep in contact can't hurt. One day, when she's old enough to understand and if she seems bright enough for our purposes, Crawford might be able to make her an offer she won't want to refuse. You know how reasonable he can be."
Schuldig chuckled. He knew. Crawford could make promises you wanted to believe. "They're twice as attractive with uncle Schuldig behind them."
Farfarello smiled. "Now there's a frightening thought."
"It's a long time to wait though."
"Sow the seed to reap the crop," Farfarello said. "It might fail, but a chance of success is better than no chance at all."
Schuldig looked down at the baby in his arms and squinted. In the right light, she didn't look too horrible.
"Do you think she'll be a hot number?"
"Better if she's plain," Farfarello said. "Charm is more effective when it's unexpected."
"Ah well," Schuldig said, and grinned. "Eighteen years is too long to wait for a gratitude fuck anyway."
"You're a sinner," Farfarello said amiably.
"That's why you like me."
"I'm almost going to miss the little nipple-chomper."
Schuldig leaned in the doorway as he watched their contacts go. True to Farfarello's predictions, they were very grateful. Not grateful enough to invite them to dinner, but…well… They had Crawford's assurance that Schwarz would be available for a little sidelining whenever their friend Takatori was not in need of them.
"I think sleep deprivation ate your brain," Nagi said sulkily. Not yet privy to the secret plan, he had found nothing redeeming in Lin's visit and was eager to share the depth of his disgust with everyone.
"I don't know," Schuldig told him. "I think she has a lot of potential."
Nagi snorted. "I'm crashing. If anyone wants me, fuck them."
"I hope you have a lot of hot women looking for you then," Schuldig said, weathering Nagi's scalding glare with a grin, "but with my luck, it will just be that Schrient girl."
Cackling, he narrowly avoided a telekinetic barrage of books.
"That's enough," Crawford told the boy. "If you're tired, go to bed, but pick those up before you do."
Nagi obeyed and mentally swept the books back onto their shelves. Then he wandered off to his room with a final scowl in Schuldig's direction. Schuldig tipped him a wink in return.
"I noticed you waited until after he attacked me to send him off," Schuldig said.
Crawford was unperturbed. "You deserved it."
"Probably," Schuldig agreed and closed the door. After a moment of personal debate, he chanced a question. "Is it true that you're hoping to call in favours from that family in the furture?"
"One should never pass up the opportunity to put a few favours by," Crawford said cautiously. "What makes you ask?"
"Just a hunch. I never know what you're seeing when you look into the future."
"At that distance, the future isn't clear," Crawford told him. "Being prepared is just common sense."
"Okay," said Schuldig. "In all its grand unclarity, what do you see in the future?"
Crawford sighed. "Our freedom. I don't know when and I don't know how, but that's what I see. Is that enough?"
Schuldig grinned. He rather thought it was.
For now.