how i'm doing.
what is it we're entitled to, if anything, especially that which is material? where has the sense of entitlement that has swallowed society whole come from? sure folks don't have time to think of such things, but what are you grateful for, or what do you simply not take for granted? what is being but a gift; yourself and others, everything that surrounds and makes us whole? even those you don't immediately smile at or even acknowledge. even those that arrive on your doorstep putrid and inflamed mustn't be stomped out, but investigated openly and carefully with a kind unwavering gaze.
this has stemmed greatly from a situation sitting deep and hard in our stomaches and hearts around here; an apparent breach of trust by a longstanding member of this community has quietly sprung up, and this is a hope of sorts, that forgiveness is a possibility (and necessity), but how? there has been much impassioned discussion and thoughts expressed in an attempt to try to make sense of it all, and though we're still not there yet, things are just settling down enough to rationally process and pull in the other's point of view to understand the why and how and what else can and will be pulled into this swirling circle of doubt, as well as how far reaching this information should and needs to go. allowing room to grow, to flourish, to come fully into being.
although trying i am learning a great deal, of myself and others and just how to deal with such situations and make it out alive. one second cursing name and face and never wanting to be related to either, the next realizing you too were once in such a position or may have committed a similar act and thought nothing of it. wanting to embrace and make things better but without the knowledge of how to make that leap, on both sides. heart and mind quarreling over which side to take as if there were sides, as if there are answers to all these questions besides the questions themselves.
the process is tough on both sides, not just on those violated (if there can be such a separation), and one must ask who's to blame, if anyone? can the act be separated from the person, and to what degree? i can only hope to receive as i would hope to be received, give as I have been given, with all my heart.
i haven't had much me time lately; i've been in many situations which normally lend themselves but i've been reluctant to enter, or haven't even thought to. i don't know which part of me is more worn and tired: my body from long days climbing trees with my shoulders covering my ears always reaching and bending and late nights spent painting and readying this home for new companions and those to come, or my spirit, torn and tattered but stronger than ever. here's to making sense of things as best one can, of taking that ache as a reminder not soon forgotten.
a new coat of paint has brought new light and life to this place while honoring and restoring what once was; though arduously time consuming, the results are incredibly satisfying, and though i never met her, i trust the benefactor is happy to see such pride put into this sense of place, an immense gratitude for this place called home. that's all i want: to prove myself worthy, to show i haven't and won't back down from the challenges placed before me, to be confident in the ability to embrace those to come.
i met today with the coordinator of a local group doing great work to bring people together through food and farming which went excellent; great craic, much excitement, smiles sprouting from the will and efforts put forth and my possible place in them. honest gratitude from both parties in meeting, a good way to say goodbye for now with time to let it all soak in. new hope.
the crocuses are up though, purples and yellows i wasn't familiar with slowly filling the yard, and the snowbells, and the daffodils just pushing through. the creek raging more than i thought possible from all the snowmelt, the birds and the bees and the trees all budding and ready to burst upon us with such immense beauty. soon the peepers will lull me to sleep with their night music, a soothing and grandiose sonic ambiance carrying night into day in a search for love and meaning, their tiny voices echoing and blurring their miniature stature with a magnificent presence unknown to so many. if you'd only open yourself...
thank you.
-anthony
this has stemmed greatly from a situation sitting deep and hard in our stomaches and hearts around here; an apparent breach of trust by a longstanding member of this community has quietly sprung up, and this is a hope of sorts, that forgiveness is a possibility (and necessity), but how? there has been much impassioned discussion and thoughts expressed in an attempt to try to make sense of it all, and though we're still not there yet, things are just settling down enough to rationally process and pull in the other's point of view to understand the why and how and what else can and will be pulled into this swirling circle of doubt, as well as how far reaching this information should and needs to go. allowing room to grow, to flourish, to come fully into being.
although trying i am learning a great deal, of myself and others and just how to deal with such situations and make it out alive. one second cursing name and face and never wanting to be related to either, the next realizing you too were once in such a position or may have committed a similar act and thought nothing of it. wanting to embrace and make things better but without the knowledge of how to make that leap, on both sides. heart and mind quarreling over which side to take as if there were sides, as if there are answers to all these questions besides the questions themselves.
the process is tough on both sides, not just on those violated (if there can be such a separation), and one must ask who's to blame, if anyone? can the act be separated from the person, and to what degree? i can only hope to receive as i would hope to be received, give as I have been given, with all my heart.
i haven't had much me time lately; i've been in many situations which normally lend themselves but i've been reluctant to enter, or haven't even thought to. i don't know which part of me is more worn and tired: my body from long days climbing trees with my shoulders covering my ears always reaching and bending and late nights spent painting and readying this home for new companions and those to come, or my spirit, torn and tattered but stronger than ever. here's to making sense of things as best one can, of taking that ache as a reminder not soon forgotten.
a new coat of paint has brought new light and life to this place while honoring and restoring what once was; though arduously time consuming, the results are incredibly satisfying, and though i never met her, i trust the benefactor is happy to see such pride put into this sense of place, an immense gratitude for this place called home. that's all i want: to prove myself worthy, to show i haven't and won't back down from the challenges placed before me, to be confident in the ability to embrace those to come.
i met today with the coordinator of a local group doing great work to bring people together through food and farming which went excellent; great craic, much excitement, smiles sprouting from the will and efforts put forth and my possible place in them. honest gratitude from both parties in meeting, a good way to say goodbye for now with time to let it all soak in. new hope.
the crocuses are up though, purples and yellows i wasn't familiar with slowly filling the yard, and the snowbells, and the daffodils just pushing through. the creek raging more than i thought possible from all the snowmelt, the birds and the bees and the trees all budding and ready to burst upon us with such immense beauty. soon the peepers will lull me to sleep with their night music, a soothing and grandiose sonic ambiance carrying night into day in a search for love and meaning, their tiny voices echoing and blurring their miniature stature with a magnificent presence unknown to so many. if you'd only open yourself...
thank you.
-anthony