In Which Castiel Reveals Sam's next Step...
Sam made his way back from the vending machine at the motel, one hand working the cane while the other held an ice bucket. Sitting all day in the Impala had not gone as well as he had expected, and he had even let Ruby drive for a spell before deciding to pull over for the day and get a room. The doctors had warned him that he would have points where the joints would still stiffen up on him, but feeling it now was no where near what he had expected the pain to be.
He got back to the room and opened the door clumsily, knowing Ruby was off getting them some supplies and dinner. It would be long enough for him to ice his leg, then take a nap. However, he wasn't expecting to see Cas standing in the room as he opened the door and carefully stepped over the salt line.
"Castiel? Is something wrong?" Sam asked, limping in and shutting the door behind him.
"No." Castiel kept his back to Sam for another second before he turned around and faced the younger Winchester. He looked him over to see how he was recovering and was satisfied with what he saw. "I've come to speak with you about... something important."
"Ok..." Sam was confused, but Castiel had always been a blunt and honest angel, not really one to know how to joke around. Always so serious. So Sam figured that to Cas, it was something he needed to pay attention to. "Mind if I ice my hip while you talk? First day out isn't doing too well on me after the car ride."
"Go ahead." He folded his arms behind his back, trying to think of how he should approach this. He wasn't sure what sort of response he would get. He licked his lips. "As you know, Dean has regained... Michael is fully present in Dean now. He no longer needs me to guide him. I have a new assignment."
He paused and licked his lips again. "You."
Having taken the plastic liner for the ice cooler out and rested it with the ice against his hip, Sam leaned back into the bed pillows and gave Cas a confused look. "Come again?"
"You are my new charge," Castiel said simply.
"But... I'm supposed to be out of this game now," Sam said. "Getting to the good times, like She said. Lucifer's gone now, so my role in the demon world is done. Why would you have to watch over me?"
He sighed. "I won't be sending you on hunts or missions. I'm here to help you with your faith."
"Well, I was possessed by Lucifer, my brother is Michael, and I'm talking to the angel of Thursdays... and I found God. I think it's safe to say I'm a believer..." Sam is oh so confused now.
"You know the things in the Bible are true, you know they exist, that is very different from faith. And... you haven't exactly been a good Christian these past few years. There are things you need to repent and redeem yourself for." The angel fixed him with a hard look. "I am here to help you back onto the right path."
Sam lowered his eyes and looked away. Cas was right. "Just the past few years?" he sighed. "I used to have faith until all of this started. I just... gave it up for Dean.* He chuckled. "Ironic."
"I'm here to help you find it again and just in case some demon comes for you or Ruby." His lips twitched in the hint of a smile. "Just to be safe."
"Well, right now I'm all for staying safe. There's going to be a lot of people who are going to be mad at me for letting him out. Obviously, I'm not in any shape to be fighting." Sam returned a small smile. "I hope you can help with the faith finding. I don't know where to even start with that."
"I will make sure that nothing will happen to you." He inclined his head slightly. "We will start at the beginning."
Sam nodded, then licked his lips. "You can sit down, you know..." He pointed at the rest of the bed. "We never really have talked, have we? Beyond conversations that involved Dean..."
Castiel looked at the bed and blinked for a moment before he shook his head. "I prefer to stand. You were not my charge and..."
He hadn't been able to stand Sam back then. He had reeked of demon blood and unholy power. He was tainted back then, dirty. It had made Castiel uncomfortable. Things had changed now though.
"... I wasn't fully human." Sam nodded, getting the pictures. "I'm still not, though. Am I? I mean, the demon blood is still in me. There's no way to change that, right?"
"The rest of the demon blood will eventually work its way out of your body, but it will take time. A lot of it." He shrugged. "Finding your faith, it will help."
Sam bit his lip. "I keep thinking about it... the last choice I made." He hadn't told anyone this, not even his brother, out of fear that he would be hurt. But if Castiel was taking this role, Sam had to trust him. And he needed someone to know, just to help him with this. "I remember the surge of power before I lost control of my body. It's the last thing I do remember. I... I haven't told anyone but I keep thinking about it."
Castiel tilted his head slightly while he listened. He was surprised that Sam was telling him anything at all. He had expected it to be harder to get him talking. Perhaps he wasn't like Dean in that respect. "You are tempted by that power?"
"I don't know." He looked down at his ice bag and hip. "I mean, I've spent over a decade now trying to build to that power. I finally felt it. I'm used to feeling some kind of power, and when I was in the cast... it's the first time I've felt truly helpless. Even when I was dying because of it, I still had the power. After the coma, I couldn't feel it, and I missed it and then getting that surge right before..."
Sam sighed. "I'm starting to miss it again. Like an addiction almost. And I know it's wrong but I can't help it..."
"From my understanding of addictions, that is how you are supposed to feel." Castiel made a silent note to himself that he would have to read more about humans and addictive substances. He was woefully ignorant on that particular vice.
"You will need time. Like your hip, you are knitting your soul back together. And I am here to aid that process."
"Thanks." Sam nodded a bit. "I've been afraid to tell anyone else." And it was a great weight that Sam felt lifted off his chest. "Ruby would worry and feel guilty, and I'd hate to think what Dean would do now that he's... well, you know. And the boys are already working on fixing themselves that they don't need to know."
"I think your brother would try to understand. He still cares about you. Michael... he always loved his brothers." Though Castiel was glad his brother was back, he did miss his friend, Dean, a bit. He was adjusting to the change, but it was easier since he knew Michael as well.
"Maybe when he's more connected to himself, I'll confide in him. He's worried right now about other things. I need to learn to take care of myself." Sam shrugged.
"You will learn how, but don't close everyone out. You have people around you that will gladly help." Castiel looked around the room, his eyes settling on the few things that were clearly Ruby's before looking back at Sam.
"I know. There are just things more important right now..."
Castiel licked his lips. "... are you happy, Sam?"
His head shot up at that. "Yes. Of course I'm happy." Which he was. But even happy, he had things he wish were different. Better. That he could change.
"Then you can make it through this. You have something, you can find your way back."
Sam nodded. Then he took a deep breath, and aimed to change the conversation. "Well, if you're going to be doing this for me, there's gotta be something I can do for you."
Castiel just blinked at that. "For me?"
"Yeah. Is there anything that you want?'
Want was not a concept Castiel was familiar with. He didn't want things, or at least he wasn't supposed to. He just followed orders. "No. I am fine."
"You sure? There's a big world out there... if you ever change your mind..."
The angel licked his lips and looked down for a second before speaking. "Books. If I could borrow books..."
"When we get back to Seattle, you're welcome to read anything in my library." Sam smiled. "I like books a lot, which Dean has criticized me about over the years. But they are nice company when you're alone."
"Thank you."
He got back to the room and opened the door clumsily, knowing Ruby was off getting them some supplies and dinner. It would be long enough for him to ice his leg, then take a nap. However, he wasn't expecting to see Cas standing in the room as he opened the door and carefully stepped over the salt line.
"Castiel? Is something wrong?" Sam asked, limping in and shutting the door behind him.
"No." Castiel kept his back to Sam for another second before he turned around and faced the younger Winchester. He looked him over to see how he was recovering and was satisfied with what he saw. "I've come to speak with you about... something important."
"Ok..." Sam was confused, but Castiel had always been a blunt and honest angel, not really one to know how to joke around. Always so serious. So Sam figured that to Cas, it was something he needed to pay attention to. "Mind if I ice my hip while you talk? First day out isn't doing too well on me after the car ride."
"Go ahead." He folded his arms behind his back, trying to think of how he should approach this. He wasn't sure what sort of response he would get. He licked his lips. "As you know, Dean has regained... Michael is fully present in Dean now. He no longer needs me to guide him. I have a new assignment."
He paused and licked his lips again. "You."
Having taken the plastic liner for the ice cooler out and rested it with the ice against his hip, Sam leaned back into the bed pillows and gave Cas a confused look. "Come again?"
"You are my new charge," Castiel said simply.
"But... I'm supposed to be out of this game now," Sam said. "Getting to the good times, like She said. Lucifer's gone now, so my role in the demon world is done. Why would you have to watch over me?"
He sighed. "I won't be sending you on hunts or missions. I'm here to help you with your faith."
"Well, I was possessed by Lucifer, my brother is Michael, and I'm talking to the angel of Thursdays... and I found God. I think it's safe to say I'm a believer..." Sam is oh so confused now.
"You know the things in the Bible are true, you know they exist, that is very different from faith. And... you haven't exactly been a good Christian these past few years. There are things you need to repent and redeem yourself for." The angel fixed him with a hard look. "I am here to help you back onto the right path."
Sam lowered his eyes and looked away. Cas was right. "Just the past few years?" he sighed. "I used to have faith until all of this started. I just... gave it up for Dean.* He chuckled. "Ironic."
"I'm here to help you find it again and just in case some demon comes for you or Ruby." His lips twitched in the hint of a smile. "Just to be safe."
"Well, right now I'm all for staying safe. There's going to be a lot of people who are going to be mad at me for letting him out. Obviously, I'm not in any shape to be fighting." Sam returned a small smile. "I hope you can help with the faith finding. I don't know where to even start with that."
"I will make sure that nothing will happen to you." He inclined his head slightly. "We will start at the beginning."
Sam nodded, then licked his lips. "You can sit down, you know..." He pointed at the rest of the bed. "We never really have talked, have we? Beyond conversations that involved Dean..."
Castiel looked at the bed and blinked for a moment before he shook his head. "I prefer to stand. You were not my charge and..."
He hadn't been able to stand Sam back then. He had reeked of demon blood and unholy power. He was tainted back then, dirty. It had made Castiel uncomfortable. Things had changed now though.
"... I wasn't fully human." Sam nodded, getting the pictures. "I'm still not, though. Am I? I mean, the demon blood is still in me. There's no way to change that, right?"
"The rest of the demon blood will eventually work its way out of your body, but it will take time. A lot of it." He shrugged. "Finding your faith, it will help."
Sam bit his lip. "I keep thinking about it... the last choice I made." He hadn't told anyone this, not even his brother, out of fear that he would be hurt. But if Castiel was taking this role, Sam had to trust him. And he needed someone to know, just to help him with this. "I remember the surge of power before I lost control of my body. It's the last thing I do remember. I... I haven't told anyone but I keep thinking about it."
Castiel tilted his head slightly while he listened. He was surprised that Sam was telling him anything at all. He had expected it to be harder to get him talking. Perhaps he wasn't like Dean in that respect. "You are tempted by that power?"
"I don't know." He looked down at his ice bag and hip. "I mean, I've spent over a decade now trying to build to that power. I finally felt it. I'm used to feeling some kind of power, and when I was in the cast... it's the first time I've felt truly helpless. Even when I was dying because of it, I still had the power. After the coma, I couldn't feel it, and I missed it and then getting that surge right before..."
Sam sighed. "I'm starting to miss it again. Like an addiction almost. And I know it's wrong but I can't help it..."
"From my understanding of addictions, that is how you are supposed to feel." Castiel made a silent note to himself that he would have to read more about humans and addictive substances. He was woefully ignorant on that particular vice.
"You will need time. Like your hip, you are knitting your soul back together. And I am here to aid that process."
"Thanks." Sam nodded a bit. "I've been afraid to tell anyone else." And it was a great weight that Sam felt lifted off his chest. "Ruby would worry and feel guilty, and I'd hate to think what Dean would do now that he's... well, you know. And the boys are already working on fixing themselves that they don't need to know."
"I think your brother would try to understand. He still cares about you. Michael... he always loved his brothers." Though Castiel was glad his brother was back, he did miss his friend, Dean, a bit. He was adjusting to the change, but it was easier since he knew Michael as well.
"Maybe when he's more connected to himself, I'll confide in him. He's worried right now about other things. I need to learn to take care of myself." Sam shrugged.
"You will learn how, but don't close everyone out. You have people around you that will gladly help." Castiel looked around the room, his eyes settling on the few things that were clearly Ruby's before looking back at Sam.
"I know. There are just things more important right now..."
Castiel licked his lips. "... are you happy, Sam?"
His head shot up at that. "Yes. Of course I'm happy." Which he was. But even happy, he had things he wish were different. Better. That he could change.
"Then you can make it through this. You have something, you can find your way back."
Sam nodded. Then he took a deep breath, and aimed to change the conversation. "Well, if you're going to be doing this for me, there's gotta be something I can do for you."
Castiel just blinked at that. "For me?"
"Yeah. Is there anything that you want?'
Want was not a concept Castiel was familiar with. He didn't want things, or at least he wasn't supposed to. He just followed orders. "No. I am fine."
"You sure? There's a big world out there... if you ever change your mind..."
The angel licked his lips and looked down for a second before speaking. "Books. If I could borrow books..."
"When we get back to Seattle, you're welcome to read anything in my library." Sam smiled. "I like books a lot, which Dean has criticized me about over the years. But they are nice company when you're alone."
"Thank you."