In which Ruby gets a rather rude awakening.
Ruby felt her heart beating and it scared the holy hell out of her.
Her heart didn’t beat. The body was dead so the heart didn’t beat. Bullets through the chest had a way of doing that, and she even still had the hole-regardless of how many times Lindsey had healed her. The consistent factor that never changed was the fact that she still had taken a bullet through the chest and that girl she was inhabiting was dead. Good and dead. Stone dead. So when she woke up and felt the gentle thud-thud thud-thud in her chest, she went from zero to panic in two seconds. She shot up into a sitting position, feeling it race as her panic increased. Her hand found its way over her heart, and she could feel it pounding through her skin. This was wrong, this was-wrong.
She felt someone stir next to her, and her head turned in shock and she pulled away quickly. She didn’t know him. She didn’t know him, and given their stages of undress she knew that she should, and she didn’t. She watched his shoulders roll as he started to look up and over at her, and she knew that she needed to get away. She needed to get away now.
She kicked her legs over the edge of the bed, needing to get up and away from him until she figured out what was wrong, when the world started turning on its axis, her vision swimming slow and hazy as her heartbeat started to race faster. It was after that she noticed her lung were burning, aching to breath, and she opened her mouth with a gasp, oxygen rushing into under-used lungs that left her coughing on the exhale, her body heaving as it tried to get used to breathing again. Once she could breathe again (she didn’t understand it any more than it was happening, but it was there), her breathing came in quick, shallow pants as the fear crawled through her body and over her skin, wondering what the hell had happened to her and why she was feeling this way.
Then the memories started coming.
It flooded her mind’s eye in the rush, hitting her all at once before she had time to brace herself for what was happening. As the years passed and the days and memories flashed before her eyes - everything she had done, all the people she’d hurt, all the people she killed - she lurched forward as her hand coming to her mouth on instinct and she rose on shaky legs, running as fast as she could into the bathroom and doubling over the toilet, losing everything she’d eaten the day before-it wasn’t much, but it was enough and once the dry heaves had passed, she collapsed into the corner next to the toilet, her body shaking as she pulled her knees into her chest, making herself as small as possible.
She was broken.
There was something wrong with her.
She wasn’t supposed to feel this weak, this-helpless.
She was a demon. She was a demon.
She kept trying to turn these things over in her head, trying to swallow the fear and clear her head, trying to make things make sense, when the door to the hotel room blew open with a BANG!, and she heard footsteps stalking towards. She could feel the weight of the power in the room and fear called up her spine with a jerk, and she lowered her eyes, trying to make herself as small as possible to hide from the oncoming storm.
A surprisingly gentle hand landed on her arm, and she looked up slightly, just enough for whoever it was to move their other hand to the side of her face, moving her head so that she was looking him in the eye. It took her a moment to place who it actually was, having never seen the actual face of his meat without the underlying face of the demon beneath it. Her eyes widened slightly, and she looked at Alloces pleadingly, begging for him to have some kind of answer.
“What’s wrong with me?”
He paused for a moment, his face softening slightly, before running his fingers back through her hair. “You’re human.”
"Ruby?" Sam made his way to the doorway, having jumped awake at the sound of the door slamming open. He had already started to wake up, something nudging at the back of his mind that was telling him something was wrong. But hearing Alloces rush in stabbed him deep with a sense of cold fear, and he was out of bed in a flash and pulling his pants on as he got to the doorway.
He looked at Alloces, then the blonde on the floor, confused as to what the demon had just said. "What?"
Ruby's eyes snapped to Sam -- the man from the bed, though the name was slipping through the cracks in her mind, and she really didn't like that -- and she shrunk back a bit, not sure if this change in her was going to change the way he was looking at her. She was human -- there were plenty that would take advantage of that. So she just moved back, and kept Alloces between them.
Alloces turned at the question and sighed slightly. "She's human."
Sam's eyes narrowed, and he crouched down to make himself not so tall and scary. "How is that possible?" he asked Alloces, being careful not to get any closer. Ruby looked scared shitless. "Ruby, it's me. It's Sam. I'm not going to hurt you..."
Ruby peered at him from behind the vengeance demon, now more confusion than fear, as though she was trying to place the name. "It's going to take her a while to remember who you are," Alloces said slowly. "She has seven hundred years worth of memories to sift through, and you're at the more recent end." He paused for a moment, before looking back at Sam. "As for what did this -- my guess is angel. The real question is why."
Sam set his jaw, looking at Alloces as he shrugged his shoulders. He had no idea why either. But he could try and find out. "I don't want her to be scared of me, so I'll let you take care of her until she's comfortable and gets to them. I haven't heard anything from the angels since they brought me back, but I can see if maybe Dean's heard anything on his end."
"Might be a good idea," Alloces nodded. "We know how to get in contact, but they certainly won't tell us why."
"Yeah, but doesn't hurt to ask." He gave Ruby a soft look, worried about her, but knowing she was in good hands with Alloces. He got up and went to find his phone, dialing Dean's number and then stepping outside to take the call where Ruby couldn't hear.
Dean picked up almost instantly, sounding a little tired. "Yeah?"
"I've got a huge problem on my hands at the moment, and please tell me you know how to get in touch with the angels..." Sam ran a hand through his hair.
Dean paused for a moment, rubbing his face slightly as he tried to wake himself up a little more. "Not really, but I could try? What's the problem exactly?"
"Well, let's just say that you and Ruby suddenly have a lot in common." Sam leaned against the hood of the car. "She woke up and was alive again."
"Look, Sammy, I'm alright with you and Ruby doing the nasty, but that doesn't mean that I want to be hearin' about it," Dean said, making a face. "Too much information."
Sam just rested his face in his palm. "No, Dean, I mean alive. Heartbeat, breathing, not a demon anymore alive."
The face Dean was making faded, and his voice was much more sober. "Ruby's human again?"
"Apparently, at least that's what Alloces is telling me. She won't let me anywhere near her." There was a bit of pain in his voice, and it was evident that he was worried. "Dean, only an angel could do that. First you, then me, now her? What the hell is going on?"
"To hell if I know," Dean said with a sigh. "It's not exactly like they take the time to fill me in on their grand plans." There was another pause and he buried his face in his hands. "Jesus Christ, she's been a demon since what? The Middle Ages? Then to suddenly go back to being human again -- hate to break it to you Sammy, but I don't blame her for being scared shitless."
"But she's come to terms with the things she's done a long time ago... that's why she's with us? Why should it be effecting her like that?" Sam wasn't understanding because unlike his brother, he had never experienced this. He didn't remember anything about the day or two he had been dead when Dean had made his deal, nor any time really from his coma.
"Yeah, and she was a demon then. Now she's human, and -- dude, seven hundred plus years of doing what demons do and horrors that they see on a human conscience? Totally different thing. I'm surprised she's not broken and babbling."
"I don't know what to do for her." He looked at the door and bit his lip. "I want to find out why the hell one of the angels would do this without any kind of warning, and to her of all demons."
"Just give her a little space -- she'll come around," Dean sighed. "And I'll see if I can get a hold of an angel. I make no promises, though."
"Thanks." He licked his lips. "Dean... what helped you come to terms with what you went through?"
He paused for a minute, seriously considering his answer. "My boys, mostly. A little help from Bela, believe it or not."
"Bela?" Sam lifted his head. Maybe he could call Bela to come help... but Ruby wouldn't remember her right away either. He just wanted to help Ruby and he felt so useless. It had been so long since he had felt powerless and now he hated that feeling.
"I don't know if she'll do the same for Ruby though -- she hasn't been a demon for nearly as long." He paused for a minute, before sighing slightly. "Look, I'll go see if I can get a hold of Castiel or somebody, and then I'll head over there. Just -- let her come to you, alright? She will when she's ready."
"I hope so." He bit his lip. "I've asked her to do a lot of those things in the last fourteen years, Dean. And then if she feels guilty about what she did to me... she already took it hard like a demon and we got over it but what if as a human..." Yeah, Dean... your brother needed his Ruby and the thought of losing her was scaring the crap out of him as he realized just what this meant as each second passed.
"Whoa, whoa, Sammy, slow down. It'll work out, alright? You're not losing her. Not yet." He paused for a minute, before he started to get to his feet. "I'll be over as soon as I can, alright? Just take it easy."
Welcome to Sam's dependency issues, Dean. But he nodded and took a deep breath. "Ok. Just get here when you can." He slid the phone back in his pocket, then slipped back inside.
Ruby was dressed when Sam came back in, sitting on the edge of the bed in jeans and a t-shirt. They both looked up when the door opened, and Alloces started to move towards Sam, keeping his voice low. "You brother going to try and get in touch with the angel?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah, then he's going to come out this way since he has an idea of what Ruby's going through and can try to help her somehow." He slipped his hands into his pockets. He was very nervous because he didn't know what he could do.
Alloces nodded slowly. "I'll go help him get their attention. Salt the door behind me and the windows, and don't let anyone in unless you can prove they are who they say they are. I'll be back as soon as I can." He glanced back at Ruby, before turning back to Sam. "She's remembering a little better now, just -- go slow with her. She's still in there."
"Alright." Sam did as he was told, salting the door carefully, and rechecking the windows as well. Then he turned to look at Ruby and bit his lip. "Are you hungry or thirsty? There's a diner across the street and I can get you some french fries..."
She looked up over at him and shook her head quickly. "My stomach is still kind of -- " She tilted her hand back and forth slightly. " -- so. I'm okay." She was remembering Sam now, and she remembered now how important he was to her. But this was a very drastic change for them, and she wasn't quite sure what to do with it.
He sat down on the bed across from her, keeping his distance. "I'm sure asking you if you're ok is stupid, but I don't know what to say, Ruby..."
Ruby chuckled slightly as her eyes dropped to her hands, looking over her fingers. "I don't think anyone would know what to say to something like this." She paused for a minute, playing with the fingers of one hand. "I'm so fragile." And she meant that in the literal sense. Sam could probably break her in half if he wanted to now -- and at the moment, she didn't really see any reason why he shouldn't -- it was what she deserved after everything she'd done -- but she also knew that he wouldn't, which was making her feel a lot safer. "I mean, Alloces was handling me like a china doll. He's never been that gentle with me. Ever."
"I guess he isn't all that rough after all," Sam gave her a small smile. "But he doesn't want anything to happen to you until we figure this out. And... I don't know what to do."
She looked up at him after a moment, before pushing herself up and sitting down next to him, taking his hand gently in hers, and just running her fingers between his. "I may be a bit out of it, but -- I'm still me, Sam. Just -- a little different."
He looked at their fingers, squeezing her hand a bit. "I'm just worried about you. And I'm going to do whatever you need to get a handle on this, Ruby. I promise you that."
"I know," she said softly as her fingers curled around his, quiet for a moment before leaning in to him slightly, resting her head on his shoulder -- something demon Ruby probably rarely ever would have done, but human Ruby was quite fond of the contact.
"I won't let anyone or anything hurt you." He pulled her closer, being gentle and protective. "You know that, right?"
She closed her eyes as she leaned into him, nodding slightly as she did. "Yeah. I do."
"Good." He kissed her forehead, keeping her close.
She shifted slightly, her eyes dropping to her hand in his. "I don't deserve this."
"Ruby, none of us deserve what's been given to us. And no one's perfect. But I need you."
She looked up at him after a minute, worried. "You know when they find out about this, it's going to be like I have a fucking target on my back, right?" The panic was starting to rise in her voice and she started to curl onto herself more. "I didn't ask for this. Why me?"
"Shh, Ruby, calm down." He slid to the ground, kneeling in front of her, a hand on either of her cheeks to make her look at him. "I know you didn't ask for this and we're going to find out why. But you need to calm down. I'm going to take care of you and if anyone tries to come near you I will make them pay."
On some level, Ruby was listening to him. On another, though -- "I was fine with what I was. More than fine. I'd accepted it. I'd been it for so long I didn't have a choice, and now I have all these memories, and all these things that I did and I just can't -- " Her voice broke, and she just looked at him, gripping her hands together to keep them from shaking . " -- how am I supposed to help like this?"
"We'll figure it out. Just give us time." He ran his thumb along her cheeks in a gentle petting motion. "Please, just relax."
She closed her eyes, looking away from him and trying to do as he asked, but it was hard. She hadn't been this emotional in a long time, and she didn't know what to do with it all. "I don't know if I can do this," she said quietly.
"Yes, you can. Right now you're just confused and overwhelmed. But you're one of the strongest people I know, and that comes from you, not just the demon being. You, Ruby. You'll get back in control of all this, I know you will." He licked his lips. "And we're here to help you. I won't leave you."
"Wouldn't blame you if you did," she muttered lightly under her breath.
"Stop that," he stated firmly, glaring at her. "This doesn't change anything between us, Ruby. I loved you as a demon, and you're still the same person." And yes, Ruby. He used the L word without thinking.
"Not because of the human thing," she said, looking up at him, rambling to cover the shock of that other word he said, because it'd never actually been said before. It'd always been unspoken, and she wasn't sure that she could handle that, not after everything she'd done to him. "All that stuff I did to you before, how I used you -- I nearly got you killed, Sam."
"I haven't forgotten that, Ruby. You almost did, but so has Dean. And my father. Hell, I've done it to myself, if you haven't forgotten the whole coma incident." He sighed and sat next to her. "But you also know I'm someone who sees things as being done for a purpose that keeps a path going. Even if it's things we don't want to do, or things we regret doing later. We've both done things like that. Maybe I never did anything against you, but I understand the concept. If I didn't think we could move past it, I wouldn't still be here. I would have left a long time ago, after I learned it all."
"I just want things to go back to normal," she sighed softly. "It was easier that way."
Sam chuckled a bit. "When have we ever been given the easy path?"
"Never," she murmured, eyes still closed. "Just be nice, for once. To have things be easy for a while."
"When that happens, hell will have frozen over." He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her back to his shoulder and resting his head on top of hers. "But we're in this together. You're not alone, and that alone has to be easier than anything else."
"Yeah," she said softly, settling into his hold more as she did. "Yeah, it is."
"Just trust me, ok. We'll figure this out."
"I hope so," she said softly.
Her heart didn’t beat. The body was dead so the heart didn’t beat. Bullets through the chest had a way of doing that, and she even still had the hole-regardless of how many times Lindsey had healed her. The consistent factor that never changed was the fact that she still had taken a bullet through the chest and that girl she was inhabiting was dead. Good and dead. Stone dead. So when she woke up and felt the gentle thud-thud thud-thud in her chest, she went from zero to panic in two seconds. She shot up into a sitting position, feeling it race as her panic increased. Her hand found its way over her heart, and she could feel it pounding through her skin. This was wrong, this was-wrong.
She felt someone stir next to her, and her head turned in shock and she pulled away quickly. She didn’t know him. She didn’t know him, and given their stages of undress she knew that she should, and she didn’t. She watched his shoulders roll as he started to look up and over at her, and she knew that she needed to get away. She needed to get away now.
She kicked her legs over the edge of the bed, needing to get up and away from him until she figured out what was wrong, when the world started turning on its axis, her vision swimming slow and hazy as her heartbeat started to race faster. It was after that she noticed her lung were burning, aching to breath, and she opened her mouth with a gasp, oxygen rushing into under-used lungs that left her coughing on the exhale, her body heaving as it tried to get used to breathing again. Once she could breathe again (she didn’t understand it any more than it was happening, but it was there), her breathing came in quick, shallow pants as the fear crawled through her body and over her skin, wondering what the hell had happened to her and why she was feeling this way.
Then the memories started coming.
It flooded her mind’s eye in the rush, hitting her all at once before she had time to brace herself for what was happening. As the years passed and the days and memories flashed before her eyes - everything she had done, all the people she’d hurt, all the people she killed - she lurched forward as her hand coming to her mouth on instinct and she rose on shaky legs, running as fast as she could into the bathroom and doubling over the toilet, losing everything she’d eaten the day before-it wasn’t much, but it was enough and once the dry heaves had passed, she collapsed into the corner next to the toilet, her body shaking as she pulled her knees into her chest, making herself as small as possible.
She was broken.
There was something wrong with her.
She wasn’t supposed to feel this weak, this-helpless.
She was a demon. She was a demon.
She kept trying to turn these things over in her head, trying to swallow the fear and clear her head, trying to make things make sense, when the door to the hotel room blew open with a BANG!, and she heard footsteps stalking towards. She could feel the weight of the power in the room and fear called up her spine with a jerk, and she lowered her eyes, trying to make herself as small as possible to hide from the oncoming storm.
A surprisingly gentle hand landed on her arm, and she looked up slightly, just enough for whoever it was to move their other hand to the side of her face, moving her head so that she was looking him in the eye. It took her a moment to place who it actually was, having never seen the actual face of his meat without the underlying face of the demon beneath it. Her eyes widened slightly, and she looked at Alloces pleadingly, begging for him to have some kind of answer.
“What’s wrong with me?”
He paused for a moment, his face softening slightly, before running his fingers back through her hair. “You’re human.”
"Ruby?" Sam made his way to the doorway, having jumped awake at the sound of the door slamming open. He had already started to wake up, something nudging at the back of his mind that was telling him something was wrong. But hearing Alloces rush in stabbed him deep with a sense of cold fear, and he was out of bed in a flash and pulling his pants on as he got to the doorway.
He looked at Alloces, then the blonde on the floor, confused as to what the demon had just said. "What?"
Ruby's eyes snapped to Sam -- the man from the bed, though the name was slipping through the cracks in her mind, and she really didn't like that -- and she shrunk back a bit, not sure if this change in her was going to change the way he was looking at her. She was human -- there were plenty that would take advantage of that. So she just moved back, and kept Alloces between them.
Alloces turned at the question and sighed slightly. "She's human."
Sam's eyes narrowed, and he crouched down to make himself not so tall and scary. "How is that possible?" he asked Alloces, being careful not to get any closer. Ruby looked scared shitless. "Ruby, it's me. It's Sam. I'm not going to hurt you..."
Ruby peered at him from behind the vengeance demon, now more confusion than fear, as though she was trying to place the name. "It's going to take her a while to remember who you are," Alloces said slowly. "She has seven hundred years worth of memories to sift through, and you're at the more recent end." He paused for a moment, before looking back at Sam. "As for what did this -- my guess is angel. The real question is why."
Sam set his jaw, looking at Alloces as he shrugged his shoulders. He had no idea why either. But he could try and find out. "I don't want her to be scared of me, so I'll let you take care of her until she's comfortable and gets to them. I haven't heard anything from the angels since they brought me back, but I can see if maybe Dean's heard anything on his end."
"Might be a good idea," Alloces nodded. "We know how to get in contact, but they certainly won't tell us why."
"Yeah, but doesn't hurt to ask." He gave Ruby a soft look, worried about her, but knowing she was in good hands with Alloces. He got up and went to find his phone, dialing Dean's number and then stepping outside to take the call where Ruby couldn't hear.
Dean picked up almost instantly, sounding a little tired. "Yeah?"
"I've got a huge problem on my hands at the moment, and please tell me you know how to get in touch with the angels..." Sam ran a hand through his hair.
Dean paused for a moment, rubbing his face slightly as he tried to wake himself up a little more. "Not really, but I could try? What's the problem exactly?"
"Well, let's just say that you and Ruby suddenly have a lot in common." Sam leaned against the hood of the car. "She woke up and was alive again."
"Look, Sammy, I'm alright with you and Ruby doing the nasty, but that doesn't mean that I want to be hearin' about it," Dean said, making a face. "Too much information."
Sam just rested his face in his palm. "No, Dean, I mean alive. Heartbeat, breathing, not a demon anymore alive."
The face Dean was making faded, and his voice was much more sober. "Ruby's human again?"
"Apparently, at least that's what Alloces is telling me. She won't let me anywhere near her." There was a bit of pain in his voice, and it was evident that he was worried. "Dean, only an angel could do that. First you, then me, now her? What the hell is going on?"
"To hell if I know," Dean said with a sigh. "It's not exactly like they take the time to fill me in on their grand plans." There was another pause and he buried his face in his hands. "Jesus Christ, she's been a demon since what? The Middle Ages? Then to suddenly go back to being human again -- hate to break it to you Sammy, but I don't blame her for being scared shitless."
"But she's come to terms with the things she's done a long time ago... that's why she's with us? Why should it be effecting her like that?" Sam wasn't understanding because unlike his brother, he had never experienced this. He didn't remember anything about the day or two he had been dead when Dean had made his deal, nor any time really from his coma.
"Yeah, and she was a demon then. Now she's human, and -- dude, seven hundred plus years of doing what demons do and horrors that they see on a human conscience? Totally different thing. I'm surprised she's not broken and babbling."
"I don't know what to do for her." He looked at the door and bit his lip. "I want to find out why the hell one of the angels would do this without any kind of warning, and to her of all demons."
"Just give her a little space -- she'll come around," Dean sighed. "And I'll see if I can get a hold of an angel. I make no promises, though."
"Thanks." He licked his lips. "Dean... what helped you come to terms with what you went through?"
He paused for a minute, seriously considering his answer. "My boys, mostly. A little help from Bela, believe it or not."
"Bela?" Sam lifted his head. Maybe he could call Bela to come help... but Ruby wouldn't remember her right away either. He just wanted to help Ruby and he felt so useless. It had been so long since he had felt powerless and now he hated that feeling.
"I don't know if she'll do the same for Ruby though -- she hasn't been a demon for nearly as long." He paused for a minute, before sighing slightly. "Look, I'll go see if I can get a hold of Castiel or somebody, and then I'll head over there. Just -- let her come to you, alright? She will when she's ready."
"I hope so." He bit his lip. "I've asked her to do a lot of those things in the last fourteen years, Dean. And then if she feels guilty about what she did to me... she already took it hard like a demon and we got over it but what if as a human..." Yeah, Dean... your brother needed his Ruby and the thought of losing her was scaring the crap out of him as he realized just what this meant as each second passed.
"Whoa, whoa, Sammy, slow down. It'll work out, alright? You're not losing her. Not yet." He paused for a minute, before he started to get to his feet. "I'll be over as soon as I can, alright? Just take it easy."
Welcome to Sam's dependency issues, Dean. But he nodded and took a deep breath. "Ok. Just get here when you can." He slid the phone back in his pocket, then slipped back inside.
Ruby was dressed when Sam came back in, sitting on the edge of the bed in jeans and a t-shirt. They both looked up when the door opened, and Alloces started to move towards Sam, keeping his voice low. "You brother going to try and get in touch with the angel?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah, then he's going to come out this way since he has an idea of what Ruby's going through and can try to help her somehow." He slipped his hands into his pockets. He was very nervous because he didn't know what he could do.
Alloces nodded slowly. "I'll go help him get their attention. Salt the door behind me and the windows, and don't let anyone in unless you can prove they are who they say they are. I'll be back as soon as I can." He glanced back at Ruby, before turning back to Sam. "She's remembering a little better now, just -- go slow with her. She's still in there."
"Alright." Sam did as he was told, salting the door carefully, and rechecking the windows as well. Then he turned to look at Ruby and bit his lip. "Are you hungry or thirsty? There's a diner across the street and I can get you some french fries..."
She looked up over at him and shook her head quickly. "My stomach is still kind of -- " She tilted her hand back and forth slightly. " -- so. I'm okay." She was remembering Sam now, and she remembered now how important he was to her. But this was a very drastic change for them, and she wasn't quite sure what to do with it.
He sat down on the bed across from her, keeping his distance. "I'm sure asking you if you're ok is stupid, but I don't know what to say, Ruby..."
Ruby chuckled slightly as her eyes dropped to her hands, looking over her fingers. "I don't think anyone would know what to say to something like this." She paused for a minute, playing with the fingers of one hand. "I'm so fragile." And she meant that in the literal sense. Sam could probably break her in half if he wanted to now -- and at the moment, she didn't really see any reason why he shouldn't -- it was what she deserved after everything she'd done -- but she also knew that he wouldn't, which was making her feel a lot safer. "I mean, Alloces was handling me like a china doll. He's never been that gentle with me. Ever."
"I guess he isn't all that rough after all," Sam gave her a small smile. "But he doesn't want anything to happen to you until we figure this out. And... I don't know what to do."
She looked up at him after a moment, before pushing herself up and sitting down next to him, taking his hand gently in hers, and just running her fingers between his. "I may be a bit out of it, but -- I'm still me, Sam. Just -- a little different."
He looked at their fingers, squeezing her hand a bit. "I'm just worried about you. And I'm going to do whatever you need to get a handle on this, Ruby. I promise you that."
"I know," she said softly as her fingers curled around his, quiet for a moment before leaning in to him slightly, resting her head on his shoulder -- something demon Ruby probably rarely ever would have done, but human Ruby was quite fond of the contact.
"I won't let anyone or anything hurt you." He pulled her closer, being gentle and protective. "You know that, right?"
She closed her eyes as she leaned into him, nodding slightly as she did. "Yeah. I do."
"Good." He kissed her forehead, keeping her close.
She shifted slightly, her eyes dropping to her hand in his. "I don't deserve this."
"Ruby, none of us deserve what's been given to us. And no one's perfect. But I need you."
She looked up at him after a minute, worried. "You know when they find out about this, it's going to be like I have a fucking target on my back, right?" The panic was starting to rise in her voice and she started to curl onto herself more. "I didn't ask for this. Why me?"
"Shh, Ruby, calm down." He slid to the ground, kneeling in front of her, a hand on either of her cheeks to make her look at him. "I know you didn't ask for this and we're going to find out why. But you need to calm down. I'm going to take care of you and if anyone tries to come near you I will make them pay."
On some level, Ruby was listening to him. On another, though -- "I was fine with what I was. More than fine. I'd accepted it. I'd been it for so long I didn't have a choice, and now I have all these memories, and all these things that I did and I just can't -- " Her voice broke, and she just looked at him, gripping her hands together to keep them from shaking . " -- how am I supposed to help like this?"
"We'll figure it out. Just give us time." He ran his thumb along her cheeks in a gentle petting motion. "Please, just relax."
She closed her eyes, looking away from him and trying to do as he asked, but it was hard. She hadn't been this emotional in a long time, and she didn't know what to do with it all. "I don't know if I can do this," she said quietly.
"Yes, you can. Right now you're just confused and overwhelmed. But you're one of the strongest people I know, and that comes from you, not just the demon being. You, Ruby. You'll get back in control of all this, I know you will." He licked his lips. "And we're here to help you. I won't leave you."
"Wouldn't blame you if you did," she muttered lightly under her breath.
"Stop that," he stated firmly, glaring at her. "This doesn't change anything between us, Ruby. I loved you as a demon, and you're still the same person." And yes, Ruby. He used the L word without thinking.
"Not because of the human thing," she said, looking up at him, rambling to cover the shock of that other word he said, because it'd never actually been said before. It'd always been unspoken, and she wasn't sure that she could handle that, not after everything she'd done to him. "All that stuff I did to you before, how I used you -- I nearly got you killed, Sam."
"I haven't forgotten that, Ruby. You almost did, but so has Dean. And my father. Hell, I've done it to myself, if you haven't forgotten the whole coma incident." He sighed and sat next to her. "But you also know I'm someone who sees things as being done for a purpose that keeps a path going. Even if it's things we don't want to do, or things we regret doing later. We've both done things like that. Maybe I never did anything against you, but I understand the concept. If I didn't think we could move past it, I wouldn't still be here. I would have left a long time ago, after I learned it all."
"I just want things to go back to normal," she sighed softly. "It was easier that way."
Sam chuckled a bit. "When have we ever been given the easy path?"
"Never," she murmured, eyes still closed. "Just be nice, for once. To have things be easy for a while."
"When that happens, hell will have frozen over." He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her back to his shoulder and resting his head on top of hers. "But we're in this together. You're not alone, and that alone has to be easier than anything else."
"Yeah," she said softly, settling into his hold more as she did. "Yeah, it is."
"Just trust me, ok. We'll figure this out."
"I hope so," she said softly.