little reason for sadness
up until yesterday, for five days, i believed that i was very possibly pregnant.
(this contains a few graphic lady subject descriptions, so beware.)
the first day that my period was late, i thought nothing of it. it always comes on the sunday evening after i start the placebos in my pill pack, but maybe this month was different. it didn't bother me. i went to bed assuming i'd wake up in the morning in a pool of my own gooey blood, which has happened to me before. it's lovely.
the next day, i still had not gotten my period. panic set in. i calmed myself down with some pita chips, a cold beer, a xanax, and the movie 'ray'. it was only two days late. it was surely nothing. i forgot about it after the first fifteen minutes of the movie.
day three of no period i began to obsessively touch my belly and stare at it in the mirror. i realize that no one shows that early, but i was doing this anyway. i confided in my housemate, and she said not to worry. she said i was probably just bulgy because i'd been eating bad after bag of pita chips with hummus. i was really panicing at this point. i kept going to the bathroom every ten minutes and checking to see if there was anything, anything at all resembling a period coming out of my body. i inserting fingers to check for blood that may be shy and hiding up there. i prayed to god for cramps, back pain, constipation; anything at all to indicate that my period was coming. it didn't happen on day three. i went to bed and had fitful dreams all night, none of which, for some reason, were about babies.
i woke up on day four with no period and i cried a little. i dragged myself around doing errands, rubbing my stomach and looking at other people's children. my housemate offered to go get me a pregnancy test. i declined. i refrained from having a beer or taking a xanax. i even thought twice about eating anything unhealthy, now that i was convinced that i had a live human growing inside of me.
as i drifted off to sleep on day four of my possible pregnancy, i decided to relax and allow myself to think about what it would be like to have a baby. i closed my eyes, and i wondered. see, i knew exactly who the father would be, and knowing that was a comfort, even though the guy is not exactly the guy i would want to raise my precious offspring. but, i know that he's responsible and i know that he's a generally good person who wouldn't abandon his child. our baby would at least be adorable because he's adorable. i thought about all the things i would knit for my baby. i thought about the way my baby would smell and how my baby would smile. i thought about lots of things. i started to feel calm and i fell asleep.
the next morning, day five, was a different story. i considered buying a case of whiskey and spending the week in my room, drinking the baby to death. i was not happy. i thought about going and getting a pregnancy test. i thought about calling my mother and asking her what she thought. i didn't do any of these things. i just watched arrested development all day and wrung my hands.
i went to work the night of day five. as i sat at the break table, eating my Pita GG, i felt so helpless. i was not very happy. christina arrived at work and was sitting with me, eating something before her shift started, and i told her what was going on. her reaction was not the reaction i'd gotten from my other girlfriends, who had reacted as though i said i thought i was dying. her face lit up. she got all excited about it. she said that she would throw me a shower, and she and i could babysit for each other. she told me she had a baby when she was my age and it was the best thing that ever happened to her. i started to feel happy about my baby. i got excited. i decided i would go take a pregnancy test after work. i even thought about telling my parents, and about how i would tell the dad. telling the dad was not something i was looking forward to, but at least i was now comfortable with the idea of having a baby.
i walked around for most of the shift feeling happy, smiling at christina, rubbing my belly. i was ready for this. i would be ok.
but toward the end of the shift, when the restaurant slowed down, i went to use the bathroom, and when i wiped the toilet paper came away red and clotty.
i wasn't pregnant. and i was a little sad. i was disappointed. i lost something i never had.
a mother is the only thing i've ever known with any certainty that i wanted to be.
(this contains a few graphic lady subject descriptions, so beware.)
the first day that my period was late, i thought nothing of it. it always comes on the sunday evening after i start the placebos in my pill pack, but maybe this month was different. it didn't bother me. i went to bed assuming i'd wake up in the morning in a pool of my own gooey blood, which has happened to me before. it's lovely.
the next day, i still had not gotten my period. panic set in. i calmed myself down with some pita chips, a cold beer, a xanax, and the movie 'ray'. it was only two days late. it was surely nothing. i forgot about it after the first fifteen minutes of the movie.
day three of no period i began to obsessively touch my belly and stare at it in the mirror. i realize that no one shows that early, but i was doing this anyway. i confided in my housemate, and she said not to worry. she said i was probably just bulgy because i'd been eating bad after bag of pita chips with hummus. i was really panicing at this point. i kept going to the bathroom every ten minutes and checking to see if there was anything, anything at all resembling a period coming out of my body. i inserting fingers to check for blood that may be shy and hiding up there. i prayed to god for cramps, back pain, constipation; anything at all to indicate that my period was coming. it didn't happen on day three. i went to bed and had fitful dreams all night, none of which, for some reason, were about babies.
i woke up on day four with no period and i cried a little. i dragged myself around doing errands, rubbing my stomach and looking at other people's children. my housemate offered to go get me a pregnancy test. i declined. i refrained from having a beer or taking a xanax. i even thought twice about eating anything unhealthy, now that i was convinced that i had a live human growing inside of me.
as i drifted off to sleep on day four of my possible pregnancy, i decided to relax and allow myself to think about what it would be like to have a baby. i closed my eyes, and i wondered. see, i knew exactly who the father would be, and knowing that was a comfort, even though the guy is not exactly the guy i would want to raise my precious offspring. but, i know that he's responsible and i know that he's a generally good person who wouldn't abandon his child. our baby would at least be adorable because he's adorable. i thought about all the things i would knit for my baby. i thought about the way my baby would smell and how my baby would smile. i thought about lots of things. i started to feel calm and i fell asleep.
the next morning, day five, was a different story. i considered buying a case of whiskey and spending the week in my room, drinking the baby to death. i was not happy. i thought about going and getting a pregnancy test. i thought about calling my mother and asking her what she thought. i didn't do any of these things. i just watched arrested development all day and wrung my hands.
i went to work the night of day five. as i sat at the break table, eating my Pita GG, i felt so helpless. i was not very happy. christina arrived at work and was sitting with me, eating something before her shift started, and i told her what was going on. her reaction was not the reaction i'd gotten from my other girlfriends, who had reacted as though i said i thought i was dying. her face lit up. she got all excited about it. she said that she would throw me a shower, and she and i could babysit for each other. she told me she had a baby when she was my age and it was the best thing that ever happened to her. i started to feel happy about my baby. i got excited. i decided i would go take a pregnancy test after work. i even thought about telling my parents, and about how i would tell the dad. telling the dad was not something i was looking forward to, but at least i was now comfortable with the idea of having a baby.
i walked around for most of the shift feeling happy, smiling at christina, rubbing my belly. i was ready for this. i would be ok.
but toward the end of the shift, when the restaurant slowed down, i went to use the bathroom, and when i wiped the toilet paper came away red and clotty.
i wasn't pregnant. and i was a little sad. i was disappointed. i lost something i never had.
a mother is the only thing i've ever known with any certainty that i wanted to be.