Identity
So sorry this is mega late for the Lockholes Challenge, but I've been uber busy with work, and this fic didn't come easily. However, have finally finished it, and thanks to mews_1945 it's beta'd and out there.
TITLE: Identity
CHAPTER/WORK IN PROGRESS/COMPLETE: Complete
AUTHOR: owlgrey
PAIRING: Billy and Dom
RATING: R for language and concepts
SUMMARY: The guys find out about their alter egos.
CONTENT/WARNING: Discussion of body parts.
DISCLAIMER: This story is 100% fiction…of course!
FEEDBACK: I'd love to know what you think of this!
BETA: mews_1945
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was written for the waymeet Lockholes Challenge
“What the fuck?”
Elijah's outburst woke both Billy and Dom, who had nodded off on the couch. They had been watching Lij multitask for hours; flipping between Twitter and Facebook and email, and any other social media known to man whilst managing to continue a game of Angry Birds. It was how Elijah operated.
“Lost to a green pig again huh?” Dom laughed. Elijah took his online gaming seriously, and a loss would always result in a stream of expletives, however ridiculous the foe may be. The others were getting used to him calling those Snood smilies 'motherfuckers', However, this time his outburst was different.
“I fucking went up levels mate,” Elijah replied defensively. “Check this out though! My Google Alert for Robert Smith came up with this…”
Dom and Billy's perplexed faces were met by Elijah with, “You know Robert Smith. Lead singer of The Cure. Boofy hair, red lipstick, eyeliner thicker than that fat lip Dom got last week when that dude at the club thought he was hitting on his girlfriend.”
Dom's intended reply that he got a punch in too was deafened by Elijah's continued diatribe. “Robert Smith's Robert Smith dude, not some other Robert Smith.”
“Elijah, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about,” Billy said. “That last sentence made no sense whatsoever. I know Robert Smith, I loved 'A Forest', and “Love Cats' was endearingly catchy, He's one of the most recognisable rock icons. The Cure are nominated to be inducted into The Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. So yes Elijah, Robert Smith's Robert Smith.”
“Well apparently Billy he's this Robert Smith.” Elijah pointed dramatically at his computer screen. Billy looked at the page; Will County Sherriff's Office. “What's that got to do with Robert Smith?” he asked, pointing at what was unmistakably the official badge of the Will County Sherriff.
“Robert Smith, 34, is wanted for knowingly damaging more than $300 worth of property. The warrant was issued Oct. 12, 2010, and bail was set at $5,000. Smith's last known address was…” Elijah read. “You see!” he yelled. Robert Smith's a petty thief in Illinois, not a goth rocker from Blackpool.”
“Dude that's fucked up right there,” Dom chimed in. “If he's 34 someone had to name him knowing that name was already taken by…well THE Robert Smith.”
“Makes you wonder who else is out there doesn't it? If there's some other Robert Smiths, or…”Elijah giggled, “other usses.”
“Oooohhh! Let's do Billy!” Dom chimed in. Before Billy knew it Dom had grabbed his own laptop, logged into Google, and set up an alert. “And now we wait…” he laughed.
“You could just have googled me,” Billy said rolling his eyes. “This is stupid. There's no other Billy Boyds; apart from the country and Western singer, and a very cute stuffed bear.”
“It doesn't work like that,” Elijah said. “You Google, you just get all the standard stuff; IMDB entry, Wikipedia page, images page showing that cutey widdle bow lipped face the girls love…”
“Get out of it!” Billy said defensively. “There's also the interview pages, charity work pages, and the ones that discuss stage work. There's lots of serious ones.”
“Yeah, and like the girlies hang out at those ones,” Dom laughed. His giggles were put on temporary hold by a new email; Google Alert - Billy Boyd. “Yes!” he yelled, “That was quick! Oh boy this is gonna be good!'
“Oh dude that is all kinds of wrong! Robert Smith appeals his conviction by jury on five counts of first-degree statutory sodomy.” Elijah shook his head. “That's so much worse than just messing up three hundred dollar's worth of shit.”
“Elijah may I remind you that you yourself have committed sodomy with… the lovely Billy here on numerous occasions…nearly myself one drunken night… and have expressed a desire to commit it with Viggo 'because he's hung like a horse'.” Dom nodded and returned to his search.
“Ah, gotcha!” he yelled. “Never fear! If we need to set anyone onto petty arsonist Robert Smith, or perhaps not so petty sodomite Robert Smith we only need to call on…” he paused for effect, “Kingsport Police Officer Billy Boyd and his trusty canine Macho.”
“Macho,” Elijah giggled.
“Okay let's see what we can get on you two then,” Billy said defensively.
“That one's easy,” Dom nodded. “You don't even have to go to Google Alerts to know about Elijah Wood, the fresh faced drummer and son of world-renowned electric violinist Mark Wood. He has a Facebook page and everything.”
“That one's fresh faced as well?” Billy laughed. “Does everyone called Elijah Wood look like they're still twelve?”
“Yep!” Dom laughed. He pulled up the alternative Elijah Wood's Facebook page. “You see? He looks like a heyday David Cassidy.”
The three men, even Elijah himself, dissolved into giggles. When they had finally recovered Elijah put out the challenge, “Never seen one for Dom though; ever ever.”
“Right!” Billy said, grabbing the laptop. “If he's not on Google Alerts I bet there's something out there.”
“Nah dude, checked.” Elijah shook his head. “You only get a list of embarrassing reminders he was in Hetty Wainthrope, and Driveshift links. I don't think there's another soul in this whole world who has the same name as our Dom here.”
Dom shot Billy a self-satisfied grin. “Take that Officer Boyd…and Macho!”
Billy frowned. “There has to be something out there.”
For the next hour Billy's fingers played over the keyboard, as he desperately searched for dirt on Dom. The other two had lost interest; Elijah was playing DJs on his iPod, and Dom's legs had tangled around themselves in the latest yoga pose he had learnt.
Suddenly, Billy let out a yell.
“Oh my God! This might not be an alternate Dom, but this is pure gold!”
Elijah flung his iPod down, and Dom tried to untangle without doing himself an injury.
“Look at this!” He beamed triumphantly. “A Gallery of Famous Intact Men. Our Dom might not have a nomenclature doppelganger, but he shares an honour with the likes of Pierce Brosnan, Hugh Jackman, and eleven Doctor Whos. Not to mention John Inman.”
Elijah's face clouded over at the last name.
“Mr. Humphries,” Billy explained. 'Are You Being Served'; a seventies British comedy no young boy brought up by his gran can watch without giggling profusely at the inevitable pussy joke.”
“Sometimes you guys are a mystery to me.” Elijah shook his head, still not understanding a word as Dom ponced around with his wrist hanging limply saying, 'Ooh Mrs. Slocombe you'll be late for your pussy.”
“Anyway do we agree Gallery of Famous Intact Men is counted as a reference here?” Elijah asked.
“Yep, I vote that in.” Billy nodded. “So, to sum up we have myself ,Billy Boyd as Police Officer Boyd with his ever trusty canine Macho on the hunt for Elijah Wood touring with 'Electrify Your Strings', followed by the well known foreskin endowed Dominic Monaghan.”
Elijah collapsed into giggles. “Try writing a play about that one you two!”
TITLE: Identity
CHAPTER/WORK IN PROGRESS/COMPLETE: Complete
AUTHOR: owlgrey
PAIRING: Billy and Dom
RATING: R for language and concepts
SUMMARY: The guys find out about their alter egos.
CONTENT/WARNING: Discussion of body parts.
DISCLAIMER: This story is 100% fiction…of course!
FEEDBACK: I'd love to know what you think of this!
BETA: mews_1945
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was written for the waymeet Lockholes Challenge
“What the fuck?”
Elijah's outburst woke both Billy and Dom, who had nodded off on the couch. They had been watching Lij multitask for hours; flipping between Twitter and Facebook and email, and any other social media known to man whilst managing to continue a game of Angry Birds. It was how Elijah operated.
“Lost to a green pig again huh?” Dom laughed. Elijah took his online gaming seriously, and a loss would always result in a stream of expletives, however ridiculous the foe may be. The others were getting used to him calling those Snood smilies 'motherfuckers', However, this time his outburst was different.
“I fucking went up levels mate,” Elijah replied defensively. “Check this out though! My Google Alert for Robert Smith came up with this…”
Dom and Billy's perplexed faces were met by Elijah with, “You know Robert Smith. Lead singer of The Cure. Boofy hair, red lipstick, eyeliner thicker than that fat lip Dom got last week when that dude at the club thought he was hitting on his girlfriend.”
Dom's intended reply that he got a punch in too was deafened by Elijah's continued diatribe. “Robert Smith's Robert Smith dude, not some other Robert Smith.”
“Elijah, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about,” Billy said. “That last sentence made no sense whatsoever. I know Robert Smith, I loved 'A Forest', and “Love Cats' was endearingly catchy, He's one of the most recognisable rock icons. The Cure are nominated to be inducted into The Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. So yes Elijah, Robert Smith's Robert Smith.”
“Well apparently Billy he's this Robert Smith.” Elijah pointed dramatically at his computer screen. Billy looked at the page; Will County Sherriff's Office. “What's that got to do with Robert Smith?” he asked, pointing at what was unmistakably the official badge of the Will County Sherriff.
“Robert Smith, 34, is wanted for knowingly damaging more than $300 worth of property. The warrant was issued Oct. 12, 2010, and bail was set at $5,000. Smith's last known address was…” Elijah read. “You see!” he yelled. Robert Smith's a petty thief in Illinois, not a goth rocker from Blackpool.”
“Dude that's fucked up right there,” Dom chimed in. “If he's 34 someone had to name him knowing that name was already taken by…well THE Robert Smith.”
“Makes you wonder who else is out there doesn't it? If there's some other Robert Smiths, or…”Elijah giggled, “other usses.”
“Oooohhh! Let's do Billy!” Dom chimed in. Before Billy knew it Dom had grabbed his own laptop, logged into Google, and set up an alert. “And now we wait…” he laughed.
“You could just have googled me,” Billy said rolling his eyes. “This is stupid. There's no other Billy Boyds; apart from the country and Western singer, and a very cute stuffed bear.”
“It doesn't work like that,” Elijah said. “You Google, you just get all the standard stuff; IMDB entry, Wikipedia page, images page showing that cutey widdle bow lipped face the girls love…”
“Get out of it!” Billy said defensively. “There's also the interview pages, charity work pages, and the ones that discuss stage work. There's lots of serious ones.”
“Yeah, and like the girlies hang out at those ones,” Dom laughed. His giggles were put on temporary hold by a new email; Google Alert - Billy Boyd. “Yes!” he yelled, “That was quick! Oh boy this is gonna be good!'
“Oh dude that is all kinds of wrong! Robert Smith appeals his conviction by jury on five counts of first-degree statutory sodomy.” Elijah shook his head. “That's so much worse than just messing up three hundred dollar's worth of shit.”
“Elijah may I remind you that you yourself have committed sodomy with… the lovely Billy here on numerous occasions…nearly myself one drunken night… and have expressed a desire to commit it with Viggo 'because he's hung like a horse'.” Dom nodded and returned to his search.
“Ah, gotcha!” he yelled. “Never fear! If we need to set anyone onto petty arsonist Robert Smith, or perhaps not so petty sodomite Robert Smith we only need to call on…” he paused for effect, “Kingsport Police Officer Billy Boyd and his trusty canine Macho.”
“Macho,” Elijah giggled.
“Okay let's see what we can get on you two then,” Billy said defensively.
“That one's easy,” Dom nodded. “You don't even have to go to Google Alerts to know about Elijah Wood, the fresh faced drummer and son of world-renowned electric violinist Mark Wood. He has a Facebook page and everything.”
“That one's fresh faced as well?” Billy laughed. “Does everyone called Elijah Wood look like they're still twelve?”
“Yep!” Dom laughed. He pulled up the alternative Elijah Wood's Facebook page. “You see? He looks like a heyday David Cassidy.”
The three men, even Elijah himself, dissolved into giggles. When they had finally recovered Elijah put out the challenge, “Never seen one for Dom though; ever ever.”
“Right!” Billy said, grabbing the laptop. “If he's not on Google Alerts I bet there's something out there.”
“Nah dude, checked.” Elijah shook his head. “You only get a list of embarrassing reminders he was in Hetty Wainthrope, and Driveshift links. I don't think there's another soul in this whole world who has the same name as our Dom here.”
Dom shot Billy a self-satisfied grin. “Take that Officer Boyd…and Macho!”
Billy frowned. “There has to be something out there.”
For the next hour Billy's fingers played over the keyboard, as he desperately searched for dirt on Dom. The other two had lost interest; Elijah was playing DJs on his iPod, and Dom's legs had tangled around themselves in the latest yoga pose he had learnt.
Suddenly, Billy let out a yell.
“Oh my God! This might not be an alternate Dom, but this is pure gold!”
Elijah flung his iPod down, and Dom tried to untangle without doing himself an injury.
“Look at this!” He beamed triumphantly. “A Gallery of Famous Intact Men. Our Dom might not have a nomenclature doppelganger, but he shares an honour with the likes of Pierce Brosnan, Hugh Jackman, and eleven Doctor Whos. Not to mention John Inman.”
Elijah's face clouded over at the last name.
“Mr. Humphries,” Billy explained. 'Are You Being Served'; a seventies British comedy no young boy brought up by his gran can watch without giggling profusely at the inevitable pussy joke.”
“Sometimes you guys are a mystery to me.” Elijah shook his head, still not understanding a word as Dom ponced around with his wrist hanging limply saying, 'Ooh Mrs. Slocombe you'll be late for your pussy.”
“Anyway do we agree Gallery of Famous Intact Men is counted as a reference here?” Elijah asked.
“Yep, I vote that in.” Billy nodded. “So, to sum up we have myself ,Billy Boyd as Police Officer Boyd with his ever trusty canine Macho on the hunt for Elijah Wood touring with 'Electrify Your Strings', followed by the well known foreskin endowed Dominic Monaghan.”
Elijah collapsed into giggles. “Try writing a play about that one you two!”