1.
recent dreams and things in brain:
-rotten tomatoes behind the sink that I dropped and don't want to clean up b/c it'll make me lose my appetite for the sandwich I just made
-dad is dying, but I didn't know. he is going some place for his final months/days (?) and I can't come-- just mom and mark. he loves mark more than me and tells me so (and why I think but can't remember now). also he knows exactly when he's going to die (may 14th?) but doesn't tell me that either until a while into dream. I think mark and mom or just mark are in dream also, are understanding of dad's wishes, know everything the whole time.
-I am holding Eno (or their 2nd kid?) it feels very natural, we (me and mark) say it looks like he has spots on his face, michael-- um, that's MY face. (we are pointing out the spots.) also there is this feeling like THIS is what matters, don't worry about dumb little problems.
-deanna wants a bath/hot tub next to the window so we can look out while relaxing in it. her dad will fund his part of it, mind won't and I think the whole idea is so stupid. then something about alexa hailey, we are being friendly at the party, sitting on a step behind her w/ my arms around her stomach, I wonder if people notice/will tell deanna.
-jeremy is gay and wants to talk to me about it. I over hear him on phone w/ someone saying that. jason doesn't know he says, and I am shocked to hear that. feels so nice to be talking to him.
-something about a book, it says "I was forced to try celibacy for a while, yaoying (or something like that) ("my wife") was pregnant. we were both more sexually frusterated than..." (point of view of main character)
-I am smoking pot w/...someone who is friends w/ ari? forget if real person/people or no. in my kitchen (tamara's in dream) I discover a new talent to blow these tiny "smoke balls" tell girl to give me target-- I will hit it. playing this game and somehow it ignites something on fire-- fire spreads randomly and fast, I try different things, water, putting flat thing on it but it is huge. we grab lynette and steph (they are much younger in dream) and I call 911, we run out to driveway. I go back in to try to fight it more (it will take 13 minutes for fire dept to get here, I am outraged). in my efforts the skin on the left side of my neck gets all burned off. finally the fire people (lots of young guys) get there, and the fire is out, they don't beleive there was a fire even though everything is all destroyed and the skin on my neck is burned off-- the guys won't leave, goofing around trashing house, it's awful.
"But the hero of the The Miner's different. All he does is watch things happen and accept it all. I mean, occasionally he gives his own opinions, but nothing very deep. Instead, he just broods over his love affair. He comes out of the mine about the same as he went in. He has no sense that it was something he decided to do himself, or that he had a choice. He's like totally passive. but I think in real life people are like that. It's not so easy to make choices on your own." (murakami, 98)
"Just before I doze off, I counsel myself grandiosely: Fuck concepts. Don't be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen."
santa cruz.
there is a bizarre and gruesome story to go along with this lady bug.
I didn't have the nerve to ask the people sitting by this drawing to turn off the light, so the picture is bad, but this is my favorite lacey bryant picture that wasn't on the website.
-rotten tomatoes behind the sink that I dropped and don't want to clean up b/c it'll make me lose my appetite for the sandwich I just made
-dad is dying, but I didn't know. he is going some place for his final months/days (?) and I can't come-- just mom and mark. he loves mark more than me and tells me so (and why I think but can't remember now). also he knows exactly when he's going to die (may 14th?) but doesn't tell me that either until a while into dream. I think mark and mom or just mark are in dream also, are understanding of dad's wishes, know everything the whole time.
-I am holding Eno (or their 2nd kid?) it feels very natural, we (me and mark) say it looks like he has spots on his face, michael-- um, that's MY face. (we are pointing out the spots.) also there is this feeling like THIS is what matters, don't worry about dumb little problems.
-deanna wants a bath/hot tub next to the window so we can look out while relaxing in it. her dad will fund his part of it, mind won't and I think the whole idea is so stupid. then something about alexa hailey, we are being friendly at the party, sitting on a step behind her w/ my arms around her stomach, I wonder if people notice/will tell deanna.
-jeremy is gay and wants to talk to me about it. I over hear him on phone w/ someone saying that. jason doesn't know he says, and I am shocked to hear that. feels so nice to be talking to him.
-something about a book, it says "I was forced to try celibacy for a while, yaoying (or something like that) ("my wife") was pregnant. we were both more sexually frusterated than..." (point of view of main character)
-I am smoking pot w/...someone who is friends w/ ari? forget if real person/people or no. in my kitchen (tamara's in dream) I discover a new talent to blow these tiny "smoke balls" tell girl to give me target-- I will hit it. playing this game and somehow it ignites something on fire-- fire spreads randomly and fast, I try different things, water, putting flat thing on it but it is huge. we grab lynette and steph (they are much younger in dream) and I call 911, we run out to driveway. I go back in to try to fight it more (it will take 13 minutes for fire dept to get here, I am outraged). in my efforts the skin on the left side of my neck gets all burned off. finally the fire people (lots of young guys) get there, and the fire is out, they don't beleive there was a fire even though everything is all destroyed and the skin on my neck is burned off-- the guys won't leave, goofing around trashing house, it's awful.
"But the hero of the The Miner's different. All he does is watch things happen and accept it all. I mean, occasionally he gives his own opinions, but nothing very deep. Instead, he just broods over his love affair. He comes out of the mine about the same as he went in. He has no sense that it was something he decided to do himself, or that he had a choice. He's like totally passive. but I think in real life people are like that. It's not so easy to make choices on your own." (murakami, 98)
"Just before I doze off, I counsel myself grandiosely: Fuck concepts. Don't be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen."
santa cruz.
there is a bizarre and gruesome story to go along with this lady bug.
I didn't have the nerve to ask the people sitting by this drawing to turn off the light, so the picture is bad, but this is my favorite lacey bryant picture that wasn't on the website.