Tired...
I'm tired of everything I put in my journals being so negative... but that's all I have, just negative things going on all the time and no one specific person to talk to about any of it. So I just throw it all in here in a weak attempt to vent somehow while involving the fewest number of people possilbe. And right now I just don't feel like anything is worth it anymore... I'm doing exactly what everyone said I should to make things better and yet I feel more depressed and alone than ever. I'm pushing my body past it's current limits, taking more drugs and crap than I have in my entire life (the good kinds mind you), getting less and less sleep, and in the end... I've little to nothing to show for it all. People would say "yeah but you're making money now." and yeah I am, but it gets thrown right back into maintaining this shit I'm putting myself through and what ever little bit is left I'm trying to put aside but it just seems to disappear cause I still cling to the idea that helping one's family is kinda important.
I just wanna say fuck it all, toss everything aside, and chase after at least one more fleeting hope, but my rational side keeps winning out... That and knowing my luck it'd be all for nothing and I'd just end up hundreds of miles from home, living out of my car provided it'd make it... Christ I wish I had someone to talk to about all this... The friends that I do have left I just don't feel right talking about it with... Probably best that I just go to sleep now... or at least try to...
PS: ... Krys if you still check this damn thing please talk to me again sometime soon. I need to get something off my mind with you. It's nothing earth shattering, and probably kinda silly but it's driving me nuts that I can't say it.
I just wanna say fuck it all, toss everything aside, and chase after at least one more fleeting hope, but my rational side keeps winning out... That and knowing my luck it'd be all for nothing and I'd just end up hundreds of miles from home, living out of my car provided it'd make it... Christ I wish I had someone to talk to about all this... The friends that I do have left I just don't feel right talking about it with... Probably best that I just go to sleep now... or at least try to...
PS: ... Krys if you still check this damn thing please talk to me again sometime soon. I need to get something off my mind with you. It's nothing earth shattering, and probably kinda silly but it's driving me nuts that I can't say it.