i really doubt that tracking my cycle would make much difference, because
i usually know when i'm being irrational. unpredictability is altogether separate. my emotions might be unpredictable, but they are predominantly legitimate. i recognize irrationality when i see it and attempt to curb it if i'm displaying it. what i find more difficult is articulating legitimate feelings so that they are palpable and lucid to those who might not relate. it's easy to feel empathized with when one's confidant has been down the same path; he or she gives you a look of understanding and you can move on to your next point knowing that your experience has been communicated effectively. but what if the person sitting across from you has no more to offer than a blank, inquisitive stare? what if your experience is the first of its kind he or she has ever heard? what if they can only imagine, and never really comprehend? where do i begin-- or should i even bother??
i've taken some hard hits in my day. sometimes i've been pummeled before i could recover from the previous round of blows. i can feel that it's started taking its toll. i told gordo this morning: there's been a hole in my heart for a long time, and i keep trying to plug it with objects that don't fit, and it's making the hole bigger. if i'm not being actively fulfilled then i'm left feeling empty, so i keep chucking shit into the hole to prevent that from happening. i fill the hole, fill the hole, fill it with food drink smoke love sex risk thrill friends money possessions DISTRACTIONS-- and it feels good to stay afloat, but really i'm just fucking myself over because everything i fill it with chips away at the edges and the gap creeps wider, so that as soon as i let up my shoveling it starts to swallow me up. instead of shoveling i should be learning how to swim, but the water is so deep and so cold and i just wanna be safe and warm.
i don't want to facilitate my own alienation, i want no part in self-sabotage, but my resilience and my coping mechanisms haven't done much to quell all the hurt. i need a new approach, but i don't know what.
i've taken some hard hits in my day. sometimes i've been pummeled before i could recover from the previous round of blows. i can feel that it's started taking its toll. i told gordo this morning: there's been a hole in my heart for a long time, and i keep trying to plug it with objects that don't fit, and it's making the hole bigger. if i'm not being actively fulfilled then i'm left feeling empty, so i keep chucking shit into the hole to prevent that from happening. i fill the hole, fill the hole, fill it with food drink smoke love sex risk thrill friends money possessions DISTRACTIONS-- and it feels good to stay afloat, but really i'm just fucking myself over because everything i fill it with chips away at the edges and the gap creeps wider, so that as soon as i let up my shoveling it starts to swallow me up. instead of shoveling i should be learning how to swim, but the water is so deep and so cold and i just wanna be safe and warm.
i don't want to facilitate my own alienation, i want no part in self-sabotage, but my resilience and my coping mechanisms haven't done much to quell all the hurt. i need a new approach, but i don't know what.