On the Importance of Family
My Dad has been having serious talks with me about "the importance of family". He turned 50 earlier this month, so he feels old and he's worried he's gonna die without my having provided him grandchildren and continued the family line. He says that he "just wants me to be happy", but then he adds "and have a family". Like the two have to go together. You can't be happy unless you have a family. And if you have a family, by default you must be happy.
But I know there are lots of people who don't get married and have vagina-babies, people who don't follow social convention and are still happy. I also know there are lots of people who are married, had babies, live in a nice house with their nice families, and are completely miserable.
I told my Dad to stop hassling me. I'm 19 years old; I'm in college; I have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life; and building a family isn't really at the top of my to-do list right now. Yesterday he hassled me three times about it. And I tried to be as nice about it as possible, because I know he's just a insecure about his "old" age. I don't think he realizes that I am not willing to follow convention for his sake. Or for anyone else's for that matter. I only follow me. And that's it.
Sure, maybe someday I'll find someone to spend my life with. Maybe we'll even have kids---whether that's through adoptions or surrogate mothers or test tubes or whatever, who knows? (I really really don't want to be pregnant ever.)
I'm convinced that we've been brainwashed into thinking there's only one way to happiness. Get married. Get Pregnant. Birth your ugly bloody baby. Raise it in a nice house. Additional babies optional. Get Old. Die and be happy knowing you did everything "Right".
I'm convinced further that the only way to truly stay loyal to me is to prevent myself from unwilling conformity. To not fall into that trap unless I actively choose to. To not allow the biological urge to mate and reproduce take over. That's not me: that's pressure from family, that's society, that's Darwinism, that's everything outside of who I am.
But who am I anyway? What am I if not a product of my environment? 'Cause then there's really no reason to resist---I should just fall into place; follow all these stupid rules that don't make any sense because they made me. If I strip away all the layers they've piled onto me, the things I've been taught my whole life, is there anything left? Is the nothingness underneath what I'm trying to remain "loyal" to by denying convention? If so, why stay loyal to something that doesn't exist?
Perhaps this is teenage-rebellion-talk. Or perhaps the feeling in my gut , the one telling me there is something horribly wrong with all of this "family" business, is real.
Last I remembered, the nuclear family was dying. Families are (supposedly) changing shape and form, growing in branches and in new ways or not growing at all. Married couples aren't just husband-wife anymore (supposedly). The world is (supposedly) spinning forward.
Then why are all these backward messages still haunting me?
There's nothing wrong with being like everyone else. Nothing wrong with being happy following the rules. My Dad says it's selfishness, and you only learn to be selfless when you have a family to care for. He's at least partially right in that we learn selflessness best when others depend on us. Still, all this legacy shit just reeks of ego.
We spread our genes because we subconsciously believe in their superiority. We believe our children to be reflections of who we are. We create a legacy so we'll be remembered by those we leave behind. Because without progeny to mourn for us, who will? But I don't want to be remembered by people who are obligated by genetics to remember me. I want to be remembered by people whose lives I've touched, whether they be blood-related or not. And I don't want to force a lesson of selflessness upon myself by having children. I'd rather learn selflessness by simply interacting with the communities around me.
In fact, I wonder if starting a family is its own kind of selfishness. Your children exist as a biological extension of you, so you must protect yourself (your family) and ensure your personal (your family's) success. You start to care less about other children because they're not yours. Thus as long as your own children don't suffer, it doesn't matter whether other people's children do. Isn't that selfishness right there---caring only for your own, and not for another's?
**this brings me back to everything I learned from PWR about cosmopolitanism LOL
But what's it matter whether what I do is selfish or selfless?! That's not what I'm writing about. What I'm writing about is whether what I do is true to me (an admittedly "selfish" desire). Unfortunately, I'm still lost on the me part. I'm not sure what I'm made of or whether that even matters here.
But I know there are lots of people who don't get married and have vagina-babies, people who don't follow social convention and are still happy. I also know there are lots of people who are married, had babies, live in a nice house with their nice families, and are completely miserable.
I told my Dad to stop hassling me. I'm 19 years old; I'm in college; I have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life; and building a family isn't really at the top of my to-do list right now. Yesterday he hassled me three times about it. And I tried to be as nice about it as possible, because I know he's just a insecure about his "old" age. I don't think he realizes that I am not willing to follow convention for his sake. Or for anyone else's for that matter. I only follow me. And that's it.
Sure, maybe someday I'll find someone to spend my life with. Maybe we'll even have kids---whether that's through adoptions or surrogate mothers or test tubes or whatever, who knows? (I really really don't want to be pregnant ever.)
I'm convinced that we've been brainwashed into thinking there's only one way to happiness. Get married. Get Pregnant. Birth your ugly bloody baby. Raise it in a nice house. Additional babies optional. Get Old. Die and be happy knowing you did everything "Right".
I'm convinced further that the only way to truly stay loyal to me is to prevent myself from unwilling conformity. To not fall into that trap unless I actively choose to. To not allow the biological urge to mate and reproduce take over. That's not me: that's pressure from family, that's society, that's Darwinism, that's everything outside of who I am.
But who am I anyway? What am I if not a product of my environment? 'Cause then there's really no reason to resist---I should just fall into place; follow all these stupid rules that don't make any sense because they made me. If I strip away all the layers they've piled onto me, the things I've been taught my whole life, is there anything left? Is the nothingness underneath what I'm trying to remain "loyal" to by denying convention? If so, why stay loyal to something that doesn't exist?
Perhaps this is teenage-rebellion-talk. Or perhaps the feeling in my gut , the one telling me there is something horribly wrong with all of this "family" business, is real.
Last I remembered, the nuclear family was dying. Families are (supposedly) changing shape and form, growing in branches and in new ways or not growing at all. Married couples aren't just husband-wife anymore (supposedly). The world is (supposedly) spinning forward.
Then why are all these backward messages still haunting me?
There's nothing wrong with being like everyone else. Nothing wrong with being happy following the rules. My Dad says it's selfishness, and you only learn to be selfless when you have a family to care for. He's at least partially right in that we learn selflessness best when others depend on us. Still, all this legacy shit just reeks of ego.
We spread our genes because we subconsciously believe in their superiority. We believe our children to be reflections of who we are. We create a legacy so we'll be remembered by those we leave behind. Because without progeny to mourn for us, who will? But I don't want to be remembered by people who are obligated by genetics to remember me. I want to be remembered by people whose lives I've touched, whether they be blood-related or not. And I don't want to force a lesson of selflessness upon myself by having children. I'd rather learn selflessness by simply interacting with the communities around me.
In fact, I wonder if starting a family is its own kind of selfishness. Your children exist as a biological extension of you, so you must protect yourself (your family) and ensure your personal (your family's) success. You start to care less about other children because they're not yours. Thus as long as your own children don't suffer, it doesn't matter whether other people's children do. Isn't that selfishness right there---caring only for your own, and not for another's?
**this brings me back to everything I learned from PWR about cosmopolitanism LOL
But what's it matter whether what I do is selfish or selfless?! That's not what I'm writing about. What I'm writing about is whether what I do is true to me (an admittedly "selfish" desire). Unfortunately, I'm still lost on the me part. I'm not sure what I'm made of or whether that even matters here.