I have a date tonight
one of the blind kind. I met him on nerve, and I don't really do stranger dates well. I've been thinking of cancelling, but I won't..cause I need to take one for the team.
What team?
My team.
This is the upcoming Hot Wax column from Steppin' Out Magazine:
I’ve been out of sorts this past week, although I hate to admit it. It’s not because it’s not okay to be out of sorts, we all have our off weeks, but when you’re out of sorts, or not in the mood, because of someone else, it’s never a place you want to be.
We were never dating, at least not according to him, and, while, I knew this, sort of, when you spend an excessive amount of time with someone else, you start to think that maybe there’s something there. Something more - like a relationship. Especially when you know that it should be there, and it’s only because he’s not there now, that it’s not there now. Not that any of it matters, because rule number one when it comes to mutual relations is - you can’t change how anybody feels.
He called me his companion, a word I struggle to understand the definition of, but one that makes me realize it’s the green light to nothing. A friend with privileges, something I’ve been many times before, and something, at least right now, I’m over being.
It’s strange to finally be able to admit to yourself, and to others, that you want something more than companion. Something that lasts longer than just the nights you spend together, convincing yourself that he feels it too, because you know he can and does feel something, at least when he wants to.
Still, want and need are different things. Want is not something you have to have, and need, well, need is something you can’t live without. I never wanted him to need me, but I wanted him enough to think that I was fulfilling his needs. It’s what we all want, to be wanted, and, yes, we all want and need to want and need.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a mutually exclusive relationship. A long time of not wanting or needing the same things as the other person, the one with whom I’ve chosen to share glimpses of my innermost self. It sucks when these same people, the ones who you thought were there to listen, aren’t really there to hear what you’re saying. It hurts to know that while you’re door is open; their door is sealed as tightly shut as the large, steel door to the innermost chamber of some bank vault.
So I’ve spent the past two nights contemplating why I can’t meet the right “now” guy. Nothing lasts forever, as morbid a thought as that sounds, and although I talk about this ideal situation, part of me won’t ever know what that means. Even though I want to know it. Even if I feel I need to.
Still, every person who touches my life for more than a moment has his or her reason, and companion’s not really a bad word, if that’s all you really want or need. But, right now, I want and need more.
What team?
My team.
This is the upcoming Hot Wax column from Steppin' Out Magazine:
I’ve been out of sorts this past week, although I hate to admit it. It’s not because it’s not okay to be out of sorts, we all have our off weeks, but when you’re out of sorts, or not in the mood, because of someone else, it’s never a place you want to be.
We were never dating, at least not according to him, and, while, I knew this, sort of, when you spend an excessive amount of time with someone else, you start to think that maybe there’s something there. Something more - like a relationship. Especially when you know that it should be there, and it’s only because he’s not there now, that it’s not there now. Not that any of it matters, because rule number one when it comes to mutual relations is - you can’t change how anybody feels.
He called me his companion, a word I struggle to understand the definition of, but one that makes me realize it’s the green light to nothing. A friend with privileges, something I’ve been many times before, and something, at least right now, I’m over being.
It’s strange to finally be able to admit to yourself, and to others, that you want something more than companion. Something that lasts longer than just the nights you spend together, convincing yourself that he feels it too, because you know he can and does feel something, at least when he wants to.
Still, want and need are different things. Want is not something you have to have, and need, well, need is something you can’t live without. I never wanted him to need me, but I wanted him enough to think that I was fulfilling his needs. It’s what we all want, to be wanted, and, yes, we all want and need to want and need.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a mutually exclusive relationship. A long time of not wanting or needing the same things as the other person, the one with whom I’ve chosen to share glimpses of my innermost self. It sucks when these same people, the ones who you thought were there to listen, aren’t really there to hear what you’re saying. It hurts to know that while you’re door is open; their door is sealed as tightly shut as the large, steel door to the innermost chamber of some bank vault.
So I’ve spent the past two nights contemplating why I can’t meet the right “now” guy. Nothing lasts forever, as morbid a thought as that sounds, and although I talk about this ideal situation, part of me won’t ever know what that means. Even though I want to know it. Even if I feel I need to.
Still, every person who touches my life for more than a moment has his or her reason, and companion’s not really a bad word, if that’s all you really want or need. But, right now, I want and need more.