I'm sorry
Harri has been pushing me away lately. He's started seeing another guy, ironically enough also named Kyle. I couldn't or wouldn't give him the relationship he really wanted and this is no surprise. I've known that one day I would need to take a back seat as he pursues love. It's something he deserves to have. I knew it would hurt but I told myself that I would have to put my big boy pants on and accept the hurt when the time came.
So why has it been so hard to fit into those pants? I keep wanting to see Harri and he keeps telling me no. I keep asking him to come talk to me and he says no. I'm so confused. This isn't how things were supposed to go. We were supposed to remain friends. He and I would cuddle in bed together, shower together, kiss and say "I love you." Those things can't continue, but what about dinners, video games and laying on the couch watching TV together? Why is Harri trying to take everything away from me? I still love him and I'm hurting.
I've rehashed our back and forth with any friend who will listen. I've read to them how I reached out to him, hurt and confused, asking to meet. I've read my words over and over and looked for faults. I've read his curt replies. What had I said wrong? Why is he hurting me? How could he be so mean to someone he loved just a week ago?
As I was reading yet another performance for Alex, I gave Harri's words more thought. Alex asked more questions. A few ideas started to come together. I thought about why he said what he had said. I gave it another reading, this time for Dana, and I finally think I understand.
I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't have Harri here to ask. I think that I've been seeing things from my perspective and everything made sense. It was Harri who didn't seem rational. But when I step out of my shoes and listen to his words without my own, I think I can finally stand in his shoes and understand him. I think he's been trying to give us a go over and over. He's been letting me talk him into it. "Just have fun" I would tell him, and he must've tried. But all along, he would pull away and I would rope him back in. He would cry over me, then he would let me back in and start the ride over again. He may not cry as much, or at all, each time, but it still hurts. Harri loves me and I casually say "just have fun" as though his feelings could be discounted in exchange for fun.
Most recently I went over to him and cried. I told him how I missed him, how he'd left a hole that couldn't be filled. I told him that the bed was empty where he should be. His toothbrush still on the sink was a reminder. His clothes on the floor. Somewhere in there I must've mentioned the photo album of us and this journal. These things especially mean something to him. He softened his resolve and said we could still hang out and he could still come over. I thought everything was okay again, but I didn't get it yet. I'd done it again. I'd told him to just have fun, to set his feelings aside and to spend intimate time with me.
I got what I wanted but I didn't realize the cost. I didn't realize how each time I pushed and you gave in, I was actually hurting you. You may not have cried each time, but it must've felt the same. Back into the comfortable rut with me that keeps you from having your own life and your own happiness. And here I am crying again asking "why?" but this time you'd had enough. This time you put your foot down and said you needed to take care of yourself and your emotions. Harri, I didn't get it until now. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to pull you back in and keep you from happiness. If you thought I was being controlling or manipulative, I wasn't. I was naive and I loved you and I was blind to the toll you paid each time you gave in. Finally it's your turn to tell me to give it time and wait for my feelings to fade. It's your turn to tell me to suck it up. And after days of hurt, I finally understand how you feel. I'm finally standing in your shoes.
I'm sorry for hurting you Harri. I never wanted to.
I'm sorry that it took this long for me to finally see what you've gone through for me.
So why has it been so hard to fit into those pants? I keep wanting to see Harri and he keeps telling me no. I keep asking him to come talk to me and he says no. I'm so confused. This isn't how things were supposed to go. We were supposed to remain friends. He and I would cuddle in bed together, shower together, kiss and say "I love you." Those things can't continue, but what about dinners, video games and laying on the couch watching TV together? Why is Harri trying to take everything away from me? I still love him and I'm hurting.
I've rehashed our back and forth with any friend who will listen. I've read to them how I reached out to him, hurt and confused, asking to meet. I've read my words over and over and looked for faults. I've read his curt replies. What had I said wrong? Why is he hurting me? How could he be so mean to someone he loved just a week ago?
As I was reading yet another performance for Alex, I gave Harri's words more thought. Alex asked more questions. A few ideas started to come together. I thought about why he said what he had said. I gave it another reading, this time for Dana, and I finally think I understand.
I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't have Harri here to ask. I think that I've been seeing things from my perspective and everything made sense. It was Harri who didn't seem rational. But when I step out of my shoes and listen to his words without my own, I think I can finally stand in his shoes and understand him. I think he's been trying to give us a go over and over. He's been letting me talk him into it. "Just have fun" I would tell him, and he must've tried. But all along, he would pull away and I would rope him back in. He would cry over me, then he would let me back in and start the ride over again. He may not cry as much, or at all, each time, but it still hurts. Harri loves me and I casually say "just have fun" as though his feelings could be discounted in exchange for fun.
Most recently I went over to him and cried. I told him how I missed him, how he'd left a hole that couldn't be filled. I told him that the bed was empty where he should be. His toothbrush still on the sink was a reminder. His clothes on the floor. Somewhere in there I must've mentioned the photo album of us and this journal. These things especially mean something to him. He softened his resolve and said we could still hang out and he could still come over. I thought everything was okay again, but I didn't get it yet. I'd done it again. I'd told him to just have fun, to set his feelings aside and to spend intimate time with me.
I got what I wanted but I didn't realize the cost. I didn't realize how each time I pushed and you gave in, I was actually hurting you. You may not have cried each time, but it must've felt the same. Back into the comfortable rut with me that keeps you from having your own life and your own happiness. And here I am crying again asking "why?" but this time you'd had enough. This time you put your foot down and said you needed to take care of yourself and your emotions. Harri, I didn't get it until now. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to pull you back in and keep you from happiness. If you thought I was being controlling or manipulative, I wasn't. I was naive and I loved you and I was blind to the toll you paid each time you gave in. Finally it's your turn to tell me to give it time and wait for my feelings to fade. It's your turn to tell me to suck it up. And after days of hurt, I finally understand how you feel. I'm finally standing in your shoes.
I'm sorry for hurting you Harri. I never wanted to.
I'm sorry that it took this long for me to finally see what you've gone through for me.