woo hoo
TRANSCRIPT OF VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY'S CIVIL, DIGNIFIED PHONE CALL TO CONGRATULATE SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS ON HIS SELECTION TO THE DEMOCRATIC TICKET
Official White House Transcript
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Muffled] Good morning. [Coughs] I'm calling from the National Association of Homo-Looking Ambulance Chasers. Would you be interested in a complementary subscription to the Sissies With Big Zitty Boils on Their Upper Lips Digest?
SENATOR EDWARDS: I'm afraid not. But thank you very much for the kind offer, and have a great day!
[CLICK]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Laughter]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello? John Edwards speaking.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Falsetto] Hello? This is Mrs. Bertha McGillicuddy calling on behalf of the North Carolina Obese Ugly Democrat Wives Club. May I please speak with anyone to whom you're married who might be confused with Tipper Gore's slightly younger, yet even more fat-assed clone?
SENATOR EDWARDS: Sorry, I can't help you there, ma'am. Good luck finding your party though!
[CLICK]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Laughter & Knee Slapping]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello? Senator Edwards here.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Faux Ebonics] Yo. Mutherfucking Dan Quayle? What up, bitch?
SENATOR EDWARDS: Dan Quayle? I'm afraid you've reached the wrong number.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Fuck that! Senator Pretty Boy, right? Spell potato for baby-daddy, cracka!
SENATOR EDWARDS: Sorry. I have to go now.
[CLICK]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Laughter & Convulsive Snorting]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Sighs]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Congratulations.
SENATOR EDWARDS: Mr. Vice President? Is that you?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Yeah.
SENATOR EDWARDS: Thank you, sir! May I say, first, that I have Caller ID, and second, that I'm looking forward to an honorable campaign in which all Americans can take pride in-
[CLICK]
[DIAL TONE]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Mumbling] Fucking [unintelligible] Breck Girl cunt [unintelligible] pretty boy asshole [unintelligible] shit [unintelligible] fucker [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible]
[END TRANSCRIPT]
Official White House Transcript
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Muffled] Good morning. [Coughs] I'm calling from the National Association of Homo-Looking Ambulance Chasers. Would you be interested in a complementary subscription to the Sissies With Big Zitty Boils on Their Upper Lips Digest?
SENATOR EDWARDS: I'm afraid not. But thank you very much for the kind offer, and have a great day!
[CLICK]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Laughter]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello? John Edwards speaking.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Falsetto] Hello? This is Mrs. Bertha McGillicuddy calling on behalf of the North Carolina Obese Ugly Democrat Wives Club. May I please speak with anyone to whom you're married who might be confused with Tipper Gore's slightly younger, yet even more fat-assed clone?
SENATOR EDWARDS: Sorry, I can't help you there, ma'am. Good luck finding your party though!
[CLICK]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Laughter & Knee Slapping]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello? Senator Edwards here.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Faux Ebonics] Yo. Mutherfucking Dan Quayle? What up, bitch?
SENATOR EDWARDS: Dan Quayle? I'm afraid you've reached the wrong number.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Fuck that! Senator Pretty Boy, right? Spell potato for baby-daddy, cracka!
SENATOR EDWARDS: Sorry. I have to go now.
[CLICK]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Laughter & Convulsive Snorting]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Sighs]
[DIALING TONES]
[PHONE RINGING]
SENATOR EDWARDS: Hello?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Congratulations.
SENATOR EDWARDS: Mr. Vice President? Is that you?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Yeah.
SENATOR EDWARDS: Thank you, sir! May I say, first, that I have Caller ID, and second, that I'm looking forward to an honorable campaign in which all Americans can take pride in-
[CLICK]
[DIAL TONE]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: [Mumbling] Fucking [unintelligible] Breck Girl cunt [unintelligible] pretty boy asshole [unintelligible] shit [unintelligible] fucker [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible]
[END TRANSCRIPT]