(no subject)
so i'm talking to mark and going through all my old LJ posts. like, starting in 2003, and i'm at 2005 now. it's the stuff that made you who you are that you forget about sometimes. like the big fight i had with all the leadership kids at school, the big fight i had with jay, the big fight the guys had with marlene.
and it's at a moment like this i realize that i'm the biggest fucking asshole in the world.
so, if you read this for whatever reason, and you feel the need to tell me so, go for it. i deserve it.
anyway, this is very interesting for me coming off of a conversation i recently had with jay about my depression. It occured to me that about 95% of the emotions i've felt over the past 8 years or so wasn't real. it wasn't that i was going out of my way to fake it, it's that I faked emotions without thought so I could have them, even if they were just some resemblence of them.
sorry jamie, for forgetting about you.
sorry katy, for never being there for you when you tried so hard to be there for me.
sorry jay, for all the arguments
sorry horsemen, for not trusting myself with you when wrestling
sorry diz, for being a complete asshole to you
sorry marlene, for never really understanding you before i passed judgement on you
sorry avrom, for forcing you to spend so much money
sorry nikki t, for never being able to admit that i very nearly loved you
sorry kris, for agreeing to room with you even though the chance i was going to make it back to central was very slim
sorry jack, for not being able to be there for you right now
sorry will, for trying to help you to let me take the easy way out
sorry sara, for confusing sex with love
sorry ben k, for getting on your case more then i should have
sorry mels, for not helping rumour control like I should have been
sorry everyone else, for not listing you
all i ask is that if i'm fucking up, tell me. i'll try and stop.
and it's at a moment like this i realize that i'm the biggest fucking asshole in the world.
so, if you read this for whatever reason, and you feel the need to tell me so, go for it. i deserve it.
anyway, this is very interesting for me coming off of a conversation i recently had with jay about my depression. It occured to me that about 95% of the emotions i've felt over the past 8 years or so wasn't real. it wasn't that i was going out of my way to fake it, it's that I faked emotions without thought so I could have them, even if they were just some resemblence of them.
sorry jamie, for forgetting about you.
sorry katy, for never being there for you when you tried so hard to be there for me.
sorry jay, for all the arguments
sorry horsemen, for not trusting myself with you when wrestling
sorry diz, for being a complete asshole to you
sorry marlene, for never really understanding you before i passed judgement on you
sorry avrom, for forcing you to spend so much money
sorry nikki t, for never being able to admit that i very nearly loved you
sorry kris, for agreeing to room with you even though the chance i was going to make it back to central was very slim
sorry jack, for not being able to be there for you right now
sorry will, for trying to help you to let me take the easy way out
sorry sara, for confusing sex with love
sorry ben k, for getting on your case more then i should have
sorry mels, for not helping rumour control like I should have been
sorry everyone else, for not listing you
all i ask is that if i'm fucking up, tell me. i'll try and stop.