(no subject)
More and more frequently I am becoming more and more scared as the days get fewer and fewer. What happens if I don't make it? What happens if I don't pass battle stations, or can't pass the physical test? What happens if for some reason they find out something about me that is grounds for me being sent home. There's so much against me. Fighting the pressures is becoming harder. "Come on Erin, smoke a little weed, you have time to clean out your system." NO! No no no no no! Wait.. 28 days? Stop! Hold the phone! I don't want to go. But I do.. it's all I've been waiting for.. all I've been dreaming about. It's what I've wanted for a long time, a future.. a chance. But no.. look at what I'm leaving. Kaiden... little tiny Kaiden.. she's going to grow up and not even know who I am. And Stacy.. she's going through so much. She said deep down she's kind of hoping I fail boot camp so I can come back. And then there's Jillian who doesn't believe in me. So many people who don't believe in me. "Are you sure you can make it?" "Can you really live through that?" Yes I can god damn it, and I will. I'll prove them all wrong.. but what if I can't.. what if I can't. two months.. my whole life is determined in two months. Whether I pass or fail. Two months. Just two months. And after that.. what if I'm not smart enough for A school. And the preparations. OH.. the preparations. What if I can't get my transcripts? What if something is lost in the mix? What if I can't pull off my going away party? What happens if I pull it off and no one shows up? I can see that. No one cares.. no one cares... fuck, it's just me! No one could give a shit less if I fucking die in boot camp, why would they come to a party for me? It's ridiculous.. and I'm scared.