what we do for ourselves dies with us.
what we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
i'm sorry.
the thing with me is that i absolutely love the idea, the concept of humanity and society. but that doesn't leave much room for devoting time and attention to individuals. and right now i'm in one of those moods where i really really have to put effort into liking people. almost everyone.
so, for instance, if i had to paint a picture of my life twenty years from now, i could go into so much detail about what my career would be and how i would be contributing to the greater good and everything like that. what i couldn't tell you is anything about my life away from work. i have an irrational need to make a difference, and it overshadows nearly everything else, even now, when i'm not even twenty (yet).
the closer i get to graduation (know me. it shouldn't be weird that i'm thinking about this already.) the more and more frantic i get. and the more unsure i am about what i should be focusing on and looking for. and the more confused i am about the decisions i make and whether, however many years from now, i will come to my senses and regret everything i'm doing/avoiding right now.
and then there's the problem where i can't figure out if i have too much or too little self-confidence. do i think i'm above everyone else, or is everyone else above me? both, somehow. whatever it is, it's a maddening, paralyzing combination.
i think the real issue is that i'm beginning to fully understand the implications of not being able have everything in life. that, and i'm all too literal in my interpretation of "you can't take it with you". i think i'm being selfish in my selflessness, but i'll probably never be able to know for sure.
and now.. i have an emo headache. whyy do i have to be so serious so often. there are always so many of these random thoughts floating around my head that it's nearly impossible to sort things out and talk about normal things.
Growing up, my parents always said, “You will leave this world the same
way you came into it: with nothing.” It made me realize that the only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind us.
-- Tyrone B. Hayes
Human beings do not live forever. We live less than the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?... A span of life is nothing. But the man that lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable…A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest.
-- Chaim Potok, The Chosen
PS!!!!
the problem comes in (rather, is intensified) when i discount things that are 'pointless' or 'irrelevant', things that don't have any greater meaning or importance. that's where the seriousness happens. i'm not able to separate goals/purpose/meaning/future from... the rest of life. i've grown up placing entirely too much emphasis on grades and concrete results, and use them to prove my worth and validate my being here. and now it's something that i'm not able (or don't want?) to give up, so i'm going to continue to focus on academic and professional achievement and ignore lots of other things. and right now i'm more or less okay with that. i mean, if i just think about this very second, those are the things that seem most urgent and important. but i know that's not a very sustainable practice in the long-term, so i think i should change that outlook. but i don't even know how to go about such a drastic value shift.
as if that wasn't enough, i've come to realize just how dependent i am on the opinions of others. for years i have tried to train myself to be ambivalent, but it hasn't worked. the things that i do and say are so carefully chosen-- most of the time. the most awkward moments you have witnessed from me have probably been the ones where i throw caution to the wind and let up on the constant review of myself. i mean, it's seriously ridiculous. it's to the point where i neglect my own opinions, refrain from saying what i really think (no matter how mundane the topic is), and just... i don't even know. keep things light and on the surface. i over-analyze absolutely everything. like, right now- i'm writing all these things and trying to figure out how they're going to be received. will you think i just want attention? or maybe i'm being superficially honest and open, or am being a diva, making too much of something insignificant.. or trying to be really deep, you know? or just lame for writing all this in a note on facebook or.. whatever. the fact that i can't know how i'm received drives me crazy. (and you see how all those possibilities i've listed are negative? i'm always expecting the worst. the idea that i could actually be appreciated by anyone is foreign and impossible, because my flaws are so blatant to me. i honestly don't think i deserve attention or sympathy or concern. that's part of the reason why i'm so introverted when it comes to things that really matter-- i would be surprised if i could explain the things in this note face-to-face with anyone. it just seems so insignificant because what i think and what i feel is insignificant when you look at the stupid big picture that's always hanging over my head.)
yesterday i finished a heartbreaking work of staggering genius-- i could completely identify with his self-absorption and awareness of those around him. i look at everything that people do and try to find an explanation that concerns me and brings me into the picture.. as far as i'm concerned, i'm the focus of everyone's actions. and then afterwards i was listening to ira glass, who said something about how he was the type of person who could never just accept the fact that he was 'in' with anyone, and how he wakes up every morning feeling like he has to prove himself all over again, even to his wife. well.. that's kind of like me, except i don't have a wife. every moment, i'm recalculating and reanalyzing what everyone else thinks of me, and it creates an absurd degree of removal that prevents me from really appreciating those around me.
and so, maybe as a result, i go to incredible lengths to draw attention away from myself. sort of. my unwillingness to make mistakes in the academic world have been imposed on pretty much my entire life, and i'd rather play it safe than make mistakes or have misunderstandings and drama and complications. that's really it.. i avoid anything that might complicate life or distract me from my Goals. but then that makes me unprepared for the inevitable obstacles that will threaten my accomplishment of these Goals.
this has gotten longer and longer. who knew i was such a case?! (please.. don't answer that) i sincerely apologize if anyone put themselves through reading all of this. it's been keeping me from working, and i had to get it out. but i promise i'm not totally crazy (yet). and hopefully i'm really done this time.
i'm sorry.
the thing with me is that i absolutely love the idea, the concept of humanity and society. but that doesn't leave much room for devoting time and attention to individuals. and right now i'm in one of those moods where i really really have to put effort into liking people. almost everyone.
so, for instance, if i had to paint a picture of my life twenty years from now, i could go into so much detail about what my career would be and how i would be contributing to the greater good and everything like that. what i couldn't tell you is anything about my life away from work. i have an irrational need to make a difference, and it overshadows nearly everything else, even now, when i'm not even twenty (yet).
the closer i get to graduation (know me. it shouldn't be weird that i'm thinking about this already.) the more and more frantic i get. and the more unsure i am about what i should be focusing on and looking for. and the more confused i am about the decisions i make and whether, however many years from now, i will come to my senses and regret everything i'm doing/avoiding right now.
and then there's the problem where i can't figure out if i have too much or too little self-confidence. do i think i'm above everyone else, or is everyone else above me? both, somehow. whatever it is, it's a maddening, paralyzing combination.
i think the real issue is that i'm beginning to fully understand the implications of not being able have everything in life. that, and i'm all too literal in my interpretation of "you can't take it with you". i think i'm being selfish in my selflessness, but i'll probably never be able to know for sure.
and now.. i have an emo headache. whyy do i have to be so serious so often. there are always so many of these random thoughts floating around my head that it's nearly impossible to sort things out and talk about normal things.
Growing up, my parents always said, “You will leave this world the same
way you came into it: with nothing.” It made me realize that the only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind us.
-- Tyrone B. Hayes
Human beings do not live forever. We live less than the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?... A span of life is nothing. But the man that lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable…A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest.
-- Chaim Potok, The Chosen
PS!!!!
the problem comes in (rather, is intensified) when i discount things that are 'pointless' or 'irrelevant', things that don't have any greater meaning or importance. that's where the seriousness happens. i'm not able to separate goals/purpose/meaning/future from... the rest of life. i've grown up placing entirely too much emphasis on grades and concrete results, and use them to prove my worth and validate my being here. and now it's something that i'm not able (or don't want?) to give up, so i'm going to continue to focus on academic and professional achievement and ignore lots of other things. and right now i'm more or less okay with that. i mean, if i just think about this very second, those are the things that seem most urgent and important. but i know that's not a very sustainable practice in the long-term, so i think i should change that outlook. but i don't even know how to go about such a drastic value shift.
as if that wasn't enough, i've come to realize just how dependent i am on the opinions of others. for years i have tried to train myself to be ambivalent, but it hasn't worked. the things that i do and say are so carefully chosen-- most of the time. the most awkward moments you have witnessed from me have probably been the ones where i throw caution to the wind and let up on the constant review of myself. i mean, it's seriously ridiculous. it's to the point where i neglect my own opinions, refrain from saying what i really think (no matter how mundane the topic is), and just... i don't even know. keep things light and on the surface. i over-analyze absolutely everything. like, right now- i'm writing all these things and trying to figure out how they're going to be received. will you think i just want attention? or maybe i'm being superficially honest and open, or am being a diva, making too much of something insignificant.. or trying to be really deep, you know? or just lame for writing all this in a note on facebook or.. whatever. the fact that i can't know how i'm received drives me crazy. (and you see how all those possibilities i've listed are negative? i'm always expecting the worst. the idea that i could actually be appreciated by anyone is foreign and impossible, because my flaws are so blatant to me. i honestly don't think i deserve attention or sympathy or concern. that's part of the reason why i'm so introverted when it comes to things that really matter-- i would be surprised if i could explain the things in this note face-to-face with anyone. it just seems so insignificant because what i think and what i feel is insignificant when you look at the stupid big picture that's always hanging over my head.)
yesterday i finished a heartbreaking work of staggering genius-- i could completely identify with his self-absorption and awareness of those around him. i look at everything that people do and try to find an explanation that concerns me and brings me into the picture.. as far as i'm concerned, i'm the focus of everyone's actions. and then afterwards i was listening to ira glass, who said something about how he was the type of person who could never just accept the fact that he was 'in' with anyone, and how he wakes up every morning feeling like he has to prove himself all over again, even to his wife. well.. that's kind of like me, except i don't have a wife. every moment, i'm recalculating and reanalyzing what everyone else thinks of me, and it creates an absurd degree of removal that prevents me from really appreciating those around me.
and so, maybe as a result, i go to incredible lengths to draw attention away from myself. sort of. my unwillingness to make mistakes in the academic world have been imposed on pretty much my entire life, and i'd rather play it safe than make mistakes or have misunderstandings and drama and complications. that's really it.. i avoid anything that might complicate life or distract me from my Goals. but then that makes me unprepared for the inevitable obstacles that will threaten my accomplishment of these Goals.
this has gotten longer and longer. who knew i was such a case?! (please.. don't answer that) i sincerely apologize if anyone put themselves through reading all of this. it's been keeping me from working, and i had to get it out. but i promise i'm not totally crazy (yet). and hopefully i'm really done this time.