stress
So this is what it means to be a grown up. I want to tear my hair out every time something goes wrong...there are too many things in that jar of stuff gone wrong, it's overflowing now. Literally overflowing onto my face. It seems I can't look at one thing at a time, I have to look back at everything not yet resolved and smoosh it together with everything going to hell in the present. And there is nothing I can do about any of it. Nothing. All of it is outside of my control. And it all seems to revolve around this fucking bastard of a house and the idiots in control of fucking it up!
But I want them to fuck it up, right? But no, because Spencer wants it. He wants to live here forever because of money. It's affordable here, opportunity here, scenery here, lovely wonderful stuff to do here. Stuff we can't afford, scenery we never see because he is working nonstop, opportunity that pays little better than minimum wage, and barely affordable. Whatever. I don't fucking get why he loves it here so much. He doesn't need friends or family, he has his job a roof over his head so he's fine. It's ME that can't stand it here. It's ME who needs MORE. Always needing MORE.
Humans are naturally selfish and greedy, but dammit, I'm supposed to love this person! I say I love him and I believe I do! But what kind of love is it when I keep wanting him to sacrifice everything he likes about this place for ME? So I can be happy. I can't bear raising my kids here and being away from my family, but I can't beg him to move back. I wish with my heart and soul this house doesn't work out and I feel like such a damn traitor doing it. But I can't help it and I know I will cry with joy if it falls through, while telling Spencer they are tears of sadness. What kind of person am I? I can't sacrifice for the man I love? I can't wish with my whole being that he gets what he desires because it is the opposite of what I want? And I say I love this man. Want to be his wife and mother to his children. Someone should fucking shoot me.
The only good note to all this stress is that for once, even though I'm stressed out to the max, I'm not stuffing myself full of food. I'm keeping it in control, even doing the opposite a little. I've lost over 50 lbs now, and am more optimistic about my future weight loss than ever before. Even though right now I can think of nothing better than a whole Bellybuster pizza from Buck's loaded with peppers, onions, sausage and pepperoni with extra cheese...Oh my...It's been so long...
But I want them to fuck it up, right? But no, because Spencer wants it. He wants to live here forever because of money. It's affordable here, opportunity here, scenery here, lovely wonderful stuff to do here. Stuff we can't afford, scenery we never see because he is working nonstop, opportunity that pays little better than minimum wage, and barely affordable. Whatever. I don't fucking get why he loves it here so much. He doesn't need friends or family, he has his job a roof over his head so he's fine. It's ME that can't stand it here. It's ME who needs MORE. Always needing MORE.
Humans are naturally selfish and greedy, but dammit, I'm supposed to love this person! I say I love him and I believe I do! But what kind of love is it when I keep wanting him to sacrifice everything he likes about this place for ME? So I can be happy. I can't bear raising my kids here and being away from my family, but I can't beg him to move back. I wish with my heart and soul this house doesn't work out and I feel like such a damn traitor doing it. But I can't help it and I know I will cry with joy if it falls through, while telling Spencer they are tears of sadness. What kind of person am I? I can't sacrifice for the man I love? I can't wish with my whole being that he gets what he desires because it is the opposite of what I want? And I say I love this man. Want to be his wife and mother to his children. Someone should fucking shoot me.
The only good note to all this stress is that for once, even though I'm stressed out to the max, I'm not stuffing myself full of food. I'm keeping it in control, even doing the opposite a little. I've lost over 50 lbs now, and am more optimistic about my future weight loss than ever before. Even though right now I can think of nothing better than a whole Bellybuster pizza from Buck's loaded with peppers, onions, sausage and pepperoni with extra cheese...Oh my...It's been so long...