stitched up
my mind's all a-jumble. here's what's been going on.
auditions for Wizard are tomorrow. I'm trying for the Wicked Witch, and I don't know. Hope my voice holds out.
nicole's getting kicked out of Glass. Which is good, since she's been giving me the death glare because Kevin praises me nonstop. "rebecka's my number one blah-blah-blah..." really. I don't need to hear it, nobody else does, so can he please shut up? he's making enemies for me. without my permission. so she's leaving, which makes less stress for me. I don't mind working with the guys there, because I don't feel like they are trying to compete with me. I hate being forced into some stupid rat race.
speaking of glass, we were cranking out vases like madmen today. and when I did my paperweights, I zipped through them really quick. I don't know what happened- it's just, suddenly I knew exactly what I wanted to happen, and the cool part was that I knew how to make it work. I figured out how to do this really cool flower inside the glass. But it was like, "get out of my way, I'm on a mission." Which is how I get sometimes, and it must look pretty damn funny (or terrifying) considering I'm a five-foot monster of a little girl wielding a steel pipe with molten glass.
last week I spent the night at Trevor and Amy's because we were working glass so late. Trevor decided Nicole must be really jealous of me, and it sort of woke me up. It's hard for me to step out and realize that I do some crazy things, stuff not everyone can do (or do as fast). It's hard to remember that I'm pretty, confident, artistic, good with people, good with my body, have a high IQ, can sing, dance, and have people like me without me having to try. (ICK. I hate saying all that. I feel like I've an ego, but sometimes you just have to say stuff, right? Right??) It really shocks me when I find out that someone is jealous or intimidated by me. Especially people like Sarah Parnam. Especially people that I myself am intimidated by. Sometimes I forget the things I can do, because it's like breathing to me. It's just in and out, nothing special, and it comes and goes. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I guess I was born under some lucky star, some winking beauty. Really, I'm one of the most humble people you'll ever meet. I'm confident, yes, but very unaware of what I'm capable of. When people remind me, I get sort of scared. It's like, "oh, gods, was that me?"
Sometimes I do things that get me in trouble. Like I've got this guy all stitched up with fairy wings, and now all I've got to do is let him catch me smiling and he's rocketing. Who asked for this? Not me. But somewhere some goddess is laughing, because the moon herself and all of Ireland hooked me up with a phantasm.
He asked me a question and I gave a typical answer. He said, "most girls don't." and I said, "so are you saying that I'm typical?" and he said, "No. I've learned never to assume anything about you. You've always proved me wrong and kept me guessing." Yeah, well... I do my best to burn my candle at both ends.
School. What could I be doing right now, I keep asking. I am so interchangable, I wear so many hats. What am I supposed to do? It's like, I belong everywhere, in everyone's pockets and hands and shoes. School is a drag, save the people like Bekah (Angus) and KelseaMae and Alexis since that's about all that's left... But I could be blowing glass full time! I could be doing something incredible with the world. I could be changing things. But I know I can't. (Not yet.) I'm not ready, I'm still young. I've a whole life ahead of me, I know I know. Plus, there's Wizard. (Yes, my extra-curriculars are the only thing keeping me in public education. go ahead and laugh.)
I want Christmas to be skipped over, it makes me sick. I swear, I want to spend it in Guatamala or somewhere where they don't to phoney Hallmark stupid stunts that involve tinsel and wrapping paper. It gives me anxiety problems and I'm prone to seasonal bitchiness. Why can't it be Dec. 28? Why can't it be last year, when I bought Fiona Apple and ate chocolates and sat on my floor with Newt and talked about everything?? Why can't we start at the perinneal begginning, one that's apart from Chex Mix?
I wish I was still in dance. Not that I have the time. (I really don't.) But I miss the music, the release. I'm slow-burning cello, orchestra, jumping drums and guitar strings. I'm tippy toes and swan necks. I've got this beat carved into my spine, and I've just got to get it out. I've got to. So if you see me some day bebopping with flailing arms and leaping legs and ballet feet, don't question. Just know that I'm scratching it out of my head.
Oh, and holy crap people, has anyone noticed it's almost 2006? What happened? Where did the year go? I feel like I've slept too long. Life is short. In June I heard that song by Butterfly Boucher, and it's what I base my life around now. I do as much as I can, I try to fill my life up with as many things as I can. My life's a trinket shop, and I don't worry about dust.
auditions for Wizard are tomorrow. I'm trying for the Wicked Witch, and I don't know. Hope my voice holds out.
nicole's getting kicked out of Glass. Which is good, since she's been giving me the death glare because Kevin praises me nonstop. "rebecka's my number one blah-blah-blah..." really. I don't need to hear it, nobody else does, so can he please shut up? he's making enemies for me. without my permission. so she's leaving, which makes less stress for me. I don't mind working with the guys there, because I don't feel like they are trying to compete with me. I hate being forced into some stupid rat race.
speaking of glass, we were cranking out vases like madmen today. and when I did my paperweights, I zipped through them really quick. I don't know what happened- it's just, suddenly I knew exactly what I wanted to happen, and the cool part was that I knew how to make it work. I figured out how to do this really cool flower inside the glass. But it was like, "get out of my way, I'm on a mission." Which is how I get sometimes, and it must look pretty damn funny (or terrifying) considering I'm a five-foot monster of a little girl wielding a steel pipe with molten glass.
last week I spent the night at Trevor and Amy's because we were working glass so late. Trevor decided Nicole must be really jealous of me, and it sort of woke me up. It's hard for me to step out and realize that I do some crazy things, stuff not everyone can do (or do as fast). It's hard to remember that I'm pretty, confident, artistic, good with people, good with my body, have a high IQ, can sing, dance, and have people like me without me having to try. (ICK. I hate saying all that. I feel like I've an ego, but sometimes you just have to say stuff, right? Right??) It really shocks me when I find out that someone is jealous or intimidated by me. Especially people like Sarah Parnam. Especially people that I myself am intimidated by. Sometimes I forget the things I can do, because it's like breathing to me. It's just in and out, nothing special, and it comes and goes. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I guess I was born under some lucky star, some winking beauty. Really, I'm one of the most humble people you'll ever meet. I'm confident, yes, but very unaware of what I'm capable of. When people remind me, I get sort of scared. It's like, "oh, gods, was that me?"
Sometimes I do things that get me in trouble. Like I've got this guy all stitched up with fairy wings, and now all I've got to do is let him catch me smiling and he's rocketing. Who asked for this? Not me. But somewhere some goddess is laughing, because the moon herself and all of Ireland hooked me up with a phantasm.
He asked me a question and I gave a typical answer. He said, "most girls don't." and I said, "so are you saying that I'm typical?" and he said, "No. I've learned never to assume anything about you. You've always proved me wrong and kept me guessing." Yeah, well... I do my best to burn my candle at both ends.
School. What could I be doing right now, I keep asking. I am so interchangable, I wear so many hats. What am I supposed to do? It's like, I belong everywhere, in everyone's pockets and hands and shoes. School is a drag, save the people like Bekah (Angus) and KelseaMae and Alexis since that's about all that's left... But I could be blowing glass full time! I could be doing something incredible with the world. I could be changing things. But I know I can't. (Not yet.) I'm not ready, I'm still young. I've a whole life ahead of me, I know I know. Plus, there's Wizard. (Yes, my extra-curriculars are the only thing keeping me in public education. go ahead and laugh.)
I want Christmas to be skipped over, it makes me sick. I swear, I want to spend it in Guatamala or somewhere where they don't to phoney Hallmark stupid stunts that involve tinsel and wrapping paper. It gives me anxiety problems and I'm prone to seasonal bitchiness. Why can't it be Dec. 28? Why can't it be last year, when I bought Fiona Apple and ate chocolates and sat on my floor with Newt and talked about everything?? Why can't we start at the perinneal begginning, one that's apart from Chex Mix?
I wish I was still in dance. Not that I have the time. (I really don't.) But I miss the music, the release. I'm slow-burning cello, orchestra, jumping drums and guitar strings. I'm tippy toes and swan necks. I've got this beat carved into my spine, and I've just got to get it out. I've got to. So if you see me some day bebopping with flailing arms and leaping legs and ballet feet, don't question. Just know that I'm scratching it out of my head.
Oh, and holy crap people, has anyone noticed it's almost 2006? What happened? Where did the year go? I feel like I've slept too long. Life is short. In June I heard that song by Butterfly Boucher, and it's what I base my life around now. I do as much as I can, I try to fill my life up with as many things as I can. My life's a trinket shop, and I don't worry about dust.