"it's amazing how you love"
so this is my silly little intro.
i'm jessica, this is my 1000th livejournal. just kidding.. something like that though. i went to myspace for a little bit but i miss the love from livejournal. i guess the reason i wanted to make one of these again is because i'm feeling a bit lost. see, i have a boyfriend. who is lovely, for the most part.
where should i start with this one? hm. okay, his name is derek, he's 21. he's beautiful and use to make me really happy. i love him with all my heart, but now i'm seeing that we may not be perfect together. i am certainly not a perfectionist of any means.. but when it comes to certain things i can have control over.. i am. it's so hard because i do really love him, and he does love me.. so i pray sometimes love is enough. but i am full of doubts lately. and i have my issuses. so i know i cause at least 50% of the problems i feel we have. he has started working for the fire department. which i feel has been very hard to deal with. i can't let him go though just because things are rough right now.. i do have hope things will brighten up. so anyway. it's been difficult because with these problems i feel are lying quietly dormant.. all i want is to see him when i can so i can fix things. and by fix things i mean.. not to take every little thing to heart. i'm a very emotional person, and derek isn't too considerate when it comes to that. i am also very insecure so everytime a beautiful girl is brought up.. in any type of way (if it's made obvious he finds them attractive..) it kills me. i wish i could change who i am inside &out. i've always had issues with myself. i'm trying to work on it.. and all i can think about are the things i can't work on. and it leaves me with a horrible knot in my pit of my belly. i want happiness back and i fear i might have to sacrafice a good thing because i want it to be great. i can't leave him though. i won't. despite however unhappy, there always is that smile.. that smile he flashes before he tickles me. or kisses me. or tells me he loves me. that's what i need more of.
christ i've babbled long enough.
i'm jessica, this is my 1000th livejournal. just kidding.. something like that though. i went to myspace for a little bit but i miss the love from livejournal. i guess the reason i wanted to make one of these again is because i'm feeling a bit lost. see, i have a boyfriend. who is lovely, for the most part.
where should i start with this one? hm. okay, his name is derek, he's 21. he's beautiful and use to make me really happy. i love him with all my heart, but now i'm seeing that we may not be perfect together. i am certainly not a perfectionist of any means.. but when it comes to certain things i can have control over.. i am. it's so hard because i do really love him, and he does love me.. so i pray sometimes love is enough. but i am full of doubts lately. and i have my issuses. so i know i cause at least 50% of the problems i feel we have. he has started working for the fire department. which i feel has been very hard to deal with. i can't let him go though just because things are rough right now.. i do have hope things will brighten up. so anyway. it's been difficult because with these problems i feel are lying quietly dormant.. all i want is to see him when i can so i can fix things. and by fix things i mean.. not to take every little thing to heart. i'm a very emotional person, and derek isn't too considerate when it comes to that. i am also very insecure so everytime a beautiful girl is brought up.. in any type of way (if it's made obvious he finds them attractive..) it kills me. i wish i could change who i am inside &out. i've always had issues with myself. i'm trying to work on it.. and all i can think about are the things i can't work on. and it leaves me with a horrible knot in my pit of my belly. i want happiness back and i fear i might have to sacrafice a good thing because i want it to be great. i can't leave him though. i won't. despite however unhappy, there always is that smile.. that smile he flashes before he tickles me. or kisses me. or tells me he loves me. that's what i need more of.
christ i've babbled long enough.