Today
I am waiting to go to dinner with the engineering group. We are celebrating the deposition of a multi-layer coating in a giant new machine I have nothing to do with. They will buy us food and beer. Maybe I will drink wine because beer has lots of calories. I still need to loose five pounds. But my belly is smaller and I can almost fit in my old jeans.
I do not like to be at work. It doesn't have meaning or purpose or direction. All it has is money. I need money, but I don't like it. I really don't like it when money gets to decide what I am doing. But somehow the $900 HDTV I bought last week has to be paid for. That and the mortgage, which seems to want money every month.
Mostly I want to sit at home, drink coffee, smoke ganja, and be sad. Sad and content. I could do that for a couple weeks I think. Being sad works better when it's not sunny. It's not sunny today. Today would be a good day to sit at home and be sad. Instead I have work, dinner, then a concert in the park. I haven't heard of Widespread Panic but my friend can't go and gave us two tickets. So now I am going to a concert tonight. Maybe it will be fun. Maybe I will take a nap in the grass. Maybe I will get drunk and forget to go.
I wondered today if it will hurt people's feelings when I decide to leave here. I wonder if they know how close I am. No one seems to care if I do work or not, but maybe they think me being here is important. There was a time we were content to be here. This used to be a happy place. Lots of changes, slowly, over the years, and somehow it isn't the same at all. The building is the same, the carpet is the same, the parking lot is the same. But this place isn't happy anymore. No one seems to have the energy to try and make it happy, except those who get paid tons of money and pretend all is well. I know something about pretending all is well. I did that for a couple months when all was not well. Pretending only gets you so far. I guess it makes you happy in the meantime.
My brother tells me I am stuck in a rut. He is right. I have never felt so stagnant. But what can I change? I updated my resume today. Maybe I will apply for a job at the zebra fish lab. Maybe I will apply at the bar code scanner place. Maybe I will apply where my honey works. Maybe I will sit on my ass and do nothing.
I wish there was more time in today to just be sad.
I do not like to be at work. It doesn't have meaning or purpose or direction. All it has is money. I need money, but I don't like it. I really don't like it when money gets to decide what I am doing. But somehow the $900 HDTV I bought last week has to be paid for. That and the mortgage, which seems to want money every month.
Mostly I want to sit at home, drink coffee, smoke ganja, and be sad. Sad and content. I could do that for a couple weeks I think. Being sad works better when it's not sunny. It's not sunny today. Today would be a good day to sit at home and be sad. Instead I have work, dinner, then a concert in the park. I haven't heard of Widespread Panic but my friend can't go and gave us two tickets. So now I am going to a concert tonight. Maybe it will be fun. Maybe I will take a nap in the grass. Maybe I will get drunk and forget to go.
I wondered today if it will hurt people's feelings when I decide to leave here. I wonder if they know how close I am. No one seems to care if I do work or not, but maybe they think me being here is important. There was a time we were content to be here. This used to be a happy place. Lots of changes, slowly, over the years, and somehow it isn't the same at all. The building is the same, the carpet is the same, the parking lot is the same. But this place isn't happy anymore. No one seems to have the energy to try and make it happy, except those who get paid tons of money and pretend all is well. I know something about pretending all is well. I did that for a couple months when all was not well. Pretending only gets you so far. I guess it makes you happy in the meantime.
My brother tells me I am stuck in a rut. He is right. I have never felt so stagnant. But what can I change? I updated my resume today. Maybe I will apply for a job at the zebra fish lab. Maybe I will apply at the bar code scanner place. Maybe I will apply where my honey works. Maybe I will sit on my ass and do nothing.
I wish there was more time in today to just be sad.