Boromance MST
I suspect this will turn into a monster of an MST, as the first part turned out to be 37 pages long. :P
Anyway, the original fic is here. I think it goes without saying that I didn't write it, and take no credit for it. Further apologies go out to Spike Jones, Monty Python, Blackadder, and Miss Cam of OFUM (as well as anyone else I may have referenced).
[Lights up on Cassie’s sitting room. The room is, for once, clean, and the coffee table is laden with foodstuffs and drinks. A large projector sits facing a screen which reads ‘[your mother here]’ in large blue letters. The sound of a doorbell is heard in the distance.
Cassie: Thanks for coming! I’m glad you could make it on such short notice.
Elrohir: Well it was either this or go drinking with Legolas and Gimli again, and I have no desire to end yet another evening holding Legolas’ hair back while he gets sick.
Cassie: *raises eyebrows*
Elladan: *smirks* Dwarf brew is notoriously strong stuff. *grabs a seat in the middle of the chesterfield* Ooh, salt and vinegar! Excellent. *helps himself to a large handful of chips*
Mickie: *sits down next to Elladan* If it’s notoriously strong, shouldn’t Legolas know better by now?
Elrohir: *flatly* You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Cassie: *plops down on the chesterfield next to Elladan* I figure this should get us through the first couple chapters. I’ve got some more popcorn and finger food if we get hungry later.
Elrohir: *looks around and realises the only seat left is in the armchair* *looks sour* Do you have the breaded shrimp?
Cassie: *is rummaging behind seat cushions looking for the remote* I think so. *reaches in behind Elladan and triumphantly pulls out the remote, holding it aloft victoriously*
Mickie: *munching on popcorn* So, what is it this time? Mpreg again?
Elladan: *stops in mid-chew, looking nauseated*
Cassie: *grins* Nah. You know how I feel about assbabies, even if they come from ‘whom’s. *snerks* No, this little gem is an “original idea” from the pit. I think you’ll find it most horrifying.
Elladan, Elrohir and Cassie: *blink in alarm*
Cassie: *grins widely* Shall we begin? *presses play gleefully and the words begin to scroll across the screen as the lights dim**there is a brief flurry of activity as everyone reaches for their choice of foodstuffs and drinks*]
Author's Notes:
[Elrohir: *sourly* Elbereth forbid we ever start without an author’s note.]
Wow, check it out,
[Mickie: Must we?]
I'm branching out again.
[Mickie: *raises and eyebrow and looks curiously at Cassie*
Cassie: She’s posted 31 stories to the Pit of Voles, and I think we can safely say they’re all tripe.
Mickie: Ah.
Cassie: *flatly* She also says she’s 21, and has herself listed as an available beta reader.
All except Cassie: *blink and look alarmed*]
I had this really funky idea, so I'm going with it.
[Cassie: What if all the elves were actually made of cheese?
Elladan & Elrohir: *raise eyebrows*
Mickie: Rivendell Brie elves go marvellously well with Ritz crackers, I’ve found.
Cassie: I’ve always preferred Mirkwood Blue elves on digestives, myself.
Mickie: Mirkwood Blue? Pah! Heathen.
Elrohir: I prefer Lothlórien Gouda, personally.
Elladan: You’re all mental. Nothing beats Doriath Roquefort.]
Anyway, on with my ranting - here goes nothing...
[Mickie: *jumps up* There it goes! *scatters popcorn everywhere as she jumps up* *chases after nothing as she runs around the room* Here nothing! Come to mummy! C’mere! That’s a good boy...
Cassie: *in her best race-caller voice* Aaand they’re off! And it’s Nothing in first place! With Girdle in the stretch and Mother in Law nagging in the rear. No, no, wait! There’s Lettuce coming to a head, with Toilet Paper wiping up the rear…!
Elladan: *flatly* I think Spike Jones would like his joke back when you’re finished with it, Cassie.]
First of all, what is it with everybody and Legolas?
[All: *loudly* Hear, hear!
Elladan: He wasn’t the only bloody elf in the books, you know!
Elrohir: Any elf could have done what he did!
Elladan: Glorfindel was in the books, and he never gets properly represented!
Elrohir: We were in the books, but nobody remembers us!
Mickie: *wryly* Feeling a bit left out, boys?
Cassie: *frowns* I want to know what it is with everybody and Legolas. What is she saying? Quick tryst in the tampon closet, hands-down-pants, what?]
I mean, I love Legolas to,
[Cassie: *furrows brow* You ‘love Legolas to’ what?
Mickie: *sniggers* To Legolas, or not to Legolas? That is the question…]
but hey, what about Boromir!?!?!
[Mickie: *doesn’t like where this is going*
Cassie: *grins* Indeed? What about Boromir?
Mickie: Is this…?
Cassie: Oh, yes.
Mickie: *sinks down low on the couch*
Elladan & Elrohir: What? What?]
Boromir is the most mysterious and complex character of all!
[Elladan: *chokes on a salt and vinegar chip*
Cassie: Oi! He is complex and mysterious…
Mickie: In the sense that none of the fangirls can seem to get his character right.
Cassie: *nods* Exactly.]
I think it sucks that he died!
[Mickie: Liek OMG!!1! I CREID SO HRD.
Cassie: Err… actually, I cried.
Mickie: Yes, but you didn’t spew badfic all over the internet about it, did you?]
So here I am, going on my way and writing a BOROMIR ROMANCE!!!
[All: *sink low in their seats* Oi vey…!
Cassie: Is it just me, or does she make it sound like she’s doing something utterly original and just a tiny bit illicit?
Mickie: Well, in all fairness, Boromancers do tend to get flack from some of the other fanbrats.
Elladan: You’d think they’d have better things to argue about.
Elrohir: Things like punctuation and good grammar, for example.]
(regular disclaimers applied,
[Elladan: But we decided that none of them were suitable candidates, so we hired some bloke named Sauron we picked up off the street instead.]
Aria Shadowfox belongs to me!)
[All except Cassie: *splutter and cough on their respective food and drinks*
Cassie: *cackles evilly*
Elrohir: *wheezes* Aria Shadowfox?
Cassie: Gloriously terrible, isn’t it?]
All Soul's Night
[Mickie: Anyone without a soul will be asked to leave at 9 o’clock sharp, or be forever banned from Imladris.]
"Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly
[Cassie: Unexpected blossoming flower is unexpected.]
and without law, and must be plucked where it is found,
[All: *blink* Err…? *brows are furrowed, and the sentence is read aloud again, much to the confusion of all*
Cassie: So, anarchists tend to fall instantly in love?
Mickie: *is frowning so hard she can nearly see her eyebrows* ‘Love is the flower of life… and without law…’
Elrohir: Not even one sentence in and I’m already lost. This must be some kind of record.
Elladan: *stares down at his glass of Dorwinion* This must be stronger than I thought…]
and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration."
[Mickie: So love is an unexpected ephemeral flower protected by law?
Cassie: *slides off the chesterfield in hysterics*
Elrohir: This fic is so bizarre.]
...D.
[Cassie: … I
Mickie: … A
Elladan: … F
Elrohir: Please.
All: *grin and look decidedly pleased with themselves*]
ONE:- In which her heart is stolen
[Cassie: *points dramatically* The Repo man has come to repossess her organs!
Mickie: How much do you reckon a heart would be worth though, really? I mean, surely she’s got a stereo an MP3 player that would have been easier to steal?]
Aria Shadowfox
[All: *boo loudly and toss handfuls of popcorn at the screen*]
watched from her window as the gates of Rivendell
[Cassie: *blinks* Gates?
Elrohir: Ada’s having them installed. He’s sick of dealing with all of his ‘long lost daughters’ and the ‘mysterious elven rangers’, ‘girl from another dimension’ and ‘little-known sister of Aragorn's’ that keep popping up.
Cassie: *nods* Ah.]
opened wide and through them rode a trio of Elves,
[Mickie: Elvish version of a barbershop quartet?
Cassie: I have it on good authority that Tra-la-la-lally’s nothing without the harmonies.]
a trio of Dwarves and a trio of Humans.
[Elladan: *blinks* And a trio of trios, apparently.
Cassie: ‘Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of thy counting shall be three…’
Elrohir: Why are they arriving all at once, though? How often do you see trios of dwarves, men and elves riding together?
Cassie: ‘Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three…’
Elladan: Perhaps this is meant to be movie!verse? Isn’t there a scene right before the council where they all arrive simultaneously?
Cassie: ‘Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached -’
Elrohir: Yes, thank-you! Now hush! I can’t even hear myself think…]
Her eyes flashed over the first group of a few moments,
[Mickie: Like a large neon sign that said ‘space for rent’.]
as well as the second,
[Cassie: Pray, do go on. Your dull prose sets my heart afire and causes a passionate stirring in my loins!
Mickie: *reaches over Elladan and thwaps Cassie with a cushion* We don’t *thwap* want to hear *thwap* *thwap* about your loins!
Elladan: Ack! Oww! Gerrof! *tries desperately to avoid spilling Dorwinion on his leggings*]
but her silver violet eyes
[All: *pause and stare at the screen in stupefaction*
Elrohir: Silver… violet?
Mickie: More like purple chrome.
Cassie: Bleugh.]
lingered on the last.
[Elladan: (as one of the trio of Humans) So then I told her… Oh, I say…! Is that a chrome eyeball on your tunic?]
On one of them in particular.
[Elrohir: (as the one in particular) Ack! Get it off me!
Cassie: *reaches over and grabs at an imaginary sue!eyeball stuck to Elrohir’s tunic* I can’t! It’s stuck! *mimes pulling at it, making outrageous faces all the while*
Elrohir: It itches…!
Cassie: It won’t come off! It’s no use! We’ll have to amputate.
Elrohir: *blinks* *moves as far away from Cassie as he can*
Cassie: *grins hugely*]
He had long dirty blonde hair
[Elladan: Pff! That’s no surprise. All men have dirty hair. *mutters* Bloody filthy, the lot of them. Don’t even bring soap with them when they travel.
Mickie & Cassie: *exchange glances and raised eyebrows*]
and wore a round shield strapped to his back. A long sword stood starkly at his side,
[Elrohir: The sword stood?
Cassie: Well, you know how in Harry Potter the wand chooses the wizard? Clearly they had a similar system in Gondor: new recruits would walk into the room and wait for a sword to pick them out. This is, naturally, hard for the poor swords to do if they have no way of indicating who they like, so the nice Gondorians gave them legs.
Mickie: It’s important to walk your sword at least once a day to give it proper exercise…]
and his presence seemed to demand something
[Mickie: (as Boromir’s Presence) ‘Get more coffee! It’s horrid! Change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off! Tackle out! Walk the dog! Where’s my presents?’
Elladan & Elrohir: *spray their Dorwinion across the screen**splutter*
Cassie: *is crying she’s laughing so hard* Caroline!Boromir?]
- what, she couldn't be certain
[Elrohir: We’ve just covered that. Do keep up, would you?
Cassie: *growls* And it’s an em dash not a hyphen, you nitwit. *throws popcorn*]
"His name is Boromir of Gondor child,"
[Elladan: ‘Boromir of Gondor child’? Has the author been hitting the drink?
Elrohir: Either that or Denethor certainly was…]
Elrond's voice came from behind her.
[Cassie: *cheers wildly*
Elladan & Elrohir: *look alarmed and slink down in their seats, clutching their Dorwinion protectively*
Mickie: As opposed to on top of her, of course.
Cassie: Or beneath her… Actually, that sounds sort of obscene…]
"Boromir of Gondor," she whispered.
[Elladan: I take it she’s an anarchist then?
Elrohir: She does seem to be all for plucking endangered ephemeral flowers, doesn’t she?
Cassie: I wonder if she realises that ‘of Gondor’ isn’t actually his last name?
Mickie: Of course it is! I am Mickie of Peony Estuary!]
"You would have him steal your affection daughter,"
[Mickie: (as Aria) Never! No one shall ever steal my affection daughter! She’s collectible, you know. One day, she’ll be worth a fortune.
Cassie: *flails* Gnnnargh. Elrond had one daughter! One! you brainless turd of a paramecium!
Mickie: *snickers* ‘Turd of a paramecium…?’
Elladan & Elrohir: *are clenching and unclenching their jaws angrily*
Elrohir: I truly hate Elrond’s-other-daughter!Sues…
Cassie: *still flailing* I told you this was awful...]
the elven lord question.
[Mickie: That would be the one that goes: ‘if an elf trips and falls on his face all alone in the middle of a forest, does he make a satisfying thump?’
Elladan: *raises eyebrow* Elves don’t trip.
Mickie: *narrows eyes* I’m voting for ‘satisfying thump’.]
Suddenly Boromir looked up, and his eyes locked with hers for a moment.
[All: *lock their gazes with one another, and make elaborate movements to try and free themselves**wind up going cross-eyed and giving themselves headaches*]
"I would have him steal my heart,"
[Elladan: I’ll make a killing off the insurance money!]
was her quite reply.
[Elrohir: Err… quite.
Cassie: *sinks low in her seat* This is the problem with the internet… People can put up just any old tripe.]
Part One (i) | Part One (ii) | Part One (iii) | Part One (iv)