The Adventures of Cassie's Brain, and Other Stories
by Severus Snape
Age 6
Cassie:
100 Years in the future:
"We've found something!" came a cry from the tell.
"What is it?" the supervisor asked, hurrying over. He pulled out a scanner and examined the artefact. His colleagues crowded around his shoulder, examining the data screen.
"Is that... a brain?" One of them asked, after a moment of silence.
"It seems to have been fossilised by the remarkable concentration of super-absorbency tampons in this structure."
"Remarkable," Michael Reeves, the Archaeologist in charge of the dig said in a hushed whisper. "Can we remove it?"
"I think so," was the reply. "We'll have to transport it out directly to the lab though, it's fairly fragile."
"Make it so," said Reeves.
---
In the Anthrax Lab, Cairo, Egypt a red light flashed cheerfully as a fossilised brain materialised on the examination table.
"Right, I want photographs and a thorough analysis before anybody so much as thinks of touching it," snapped the chief technician at Anthrax Labs.
"What's that?" One of the Jr. Techies asked, pointing at the base of the brain.
"It seems to be some kind of writing. Do we have an Old English translator available?"
"Here," said the techie who'd first spotted the writing, handing over the blue hand-held translator.
The Chief Technician waved it over the writing and examined the readout.
"Made of Awesome," she said.
There was a long silence.
"Holyshitit'smadeofawesome!" said the Jr. Technician (who was later confirmed as Mickie's great-great-great-great-great Granddaughter).
END (or is it?)
Mickie:
2 minutes later:
Severus walked into the lab and snatched the petrified brain out of the un-gloved archaeologist's hand. "Just what do you think you're doing?!"
"Don'tbreakit!" Mickie's dysfunctionally excited descendant piped.
"Shut up!" The Head of Slytherin hissed, and then whirled around, his robes flapping ominously as he strode out of the room.
Outside, the TERDIS was waiting for him. Inside, he had managed to recreate Cassie's body as she had been previously.Now that he had her brain, he could reverse the effect of time...
Severus Snape could make people immortal.
For himself, he had some wizarding blood of a very pure line (as well as some that was as bad as Elyria's choice in red wine) so he was bound to stick around for a while.
Everything was going to be great.
Just as Severus Snape entered the TERDIS, something happened. A shadow flitted across the Mickie's ex-lover's face.
"Oh shit." He murmured and drew his wand.
But it was too late.
Cassie:
Cassie's brain looked around as it floated aimlessly. Or, at least, it would have looked around had it been attached to a pair of eyeballs. Unfortunately it wasn't, so Cassie's brain decided to fill in the blanks for itself. It rifled through its filing cabinet, and picked out an idyllic scene which it thought would make an excellent background.
The brain floated in the black hole some more. A dark haired, hook-nosed, disgruntled man floated by, angrily shouting at the brain while trying to keep his robes from flying up in the zero gravity environment. Had Cassie's brain been attached to a pair of eyeballs, it would have been treated with the sight of a pair of "MOST MANLY WIZARD PAGEANT OF 2100" boxers.
Cassie's brain, however, remained delightfully oblivious to all this, and went off to frolic with some sheep.
The dark haired, hook-nosed, disgruntled man floated by again, this time managing to whack the brain over the back of the head. Or what would have been the head had the brain had a head. The filing cabinet in Cassie's brain overturned, and an old and musty manuscript tumbled into the Idyllic scene.
Cassie's brain had only a few moments to register the words Paradise Lost before an angry looking man with a suspicious set of horns and a sharp-looking tail jumped over a nearby fence.
"Bugger," said the brain. Or, it would have said that if it had a mouth with which to say 'bugger'. Instead it just settled for giving a some-what angry flop.
The somewhat angry flop was executed in perfect iambic pentameter, to which the angry looking man with a suspicious set of horns and a sharp-looking tail gleefully tap-danced.
The dark haired, hook-nosed, disgruntled man floated by again, muttering obscenities.
And the darkness closed in on them, like a BLACK HOLE.
Which, oddly enough, it was.
Mickie:
Severus was floating.
..................................the hell? He couldn't swim!
He flailed and waved, gasping for air (of which there was plenty) but rather than rescuing himself, he ended up bonking himself on the nose with his fourth finger on his right hand and getting a nosebleed. He mumbled an incoherent "ow" and then pinched his nose, while fishing in his robes for his wand so he could figure out what the hell was going on.
So that was it. The TERDIS was in outer space. Great.
Cassie's brain was floating around ominously. Severus tried to grab it.
That didn't work. But neither was anything else.
Wait a minute...that breeze...HIS KNICKERS WERE SHOWING!
With one hand tightly smoothing down his flyaway robes, he used the other to both hold his nose and point his wand at the brain.
"Stubeff-fly!" He grumbled, and then he began to laugh. It was absurd. There was the brain of his ex-lover floating around in zero gravity, he flashed a carton of eggnog, and he was rather sleepy.
But where'd the eggnog come from? Severus shrugged and went to pick it up (harder than it looked). Just as he was about to close in on the sweet creamy goodness of lait de poule, a force like a ROCKET thumped hard in the small of his back, knocking him down, down, down until darkness swallowed him into dark darkness.
When Severus awoke, it was to the loud scolding of a toothbrush. "MICKIE?!" Severus fairly shouted, and the annoyed girl folded her arms at him.
"It's Quindichymantullar," the snot replied. "Get a grip."
"What the..."
"Mickie's my grandmum. What are you, her fanboy?"
"Well..."
Quindichymantullar laughed at her own joke. And nearly snorted pumpkin juice out of her nose. Severus winced. Though his nose...it was already healed.
"What am I doing here and where's Cassie's brain?"
"We're doing time travel, dolt. I'm here with my boyfriend Leo, who is Draco's grandson. You know him right?"
"Where's Cassie's brain?"
"Ugh, it's over there in a plastic bag."
"PLASTIC BAG?!"
Once Severus had calmed down, he too was holding a toothbrush and surveying Cassie's once plump, many-folded grey matter. Now it was a brown shriveled sponge thing. No matter, he could reverse time and implant it. And then he'd be made of awesome too!
It was not to be.
A horn sounded in the distance.
"Ai! A Balrog!" A voice squawked.
"What did you say?" Severus demanded.
"A Balrog of Morgoth!"
"WHAT did you say?!"
"For I much desire to speak with him..."
"Oh HELL...The Hobbits The Hobbits The Hobbits The Hobbits to Isengard to Isengard!" Severus bellowed, and knew no more as darkness munched on the edges of his vision and all went dark.
End.
This was in an e-mail, which started with me editing Mickie's essay.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And:
Severus was floating.
..................................the hell? He couldn't swim!
... Now I have an image of Severus doing a very bad doggie paddle in bright orange swim trunks. o_O
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" glubglubglub *hackcoughcoughhack* glubglubglub
"What the hell was that?"
"Oh, it's just Severus taking a bath again."
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE..."
"He sounds like he's in trouble."
"Nah, he's fine."
"I'm DYYYIIIIIINNNNNG"
"... Are you sure?"
"He's always like that."
"MIIICK--" glubglubglub
glub
glub.
Age 6
Cassie:
100 Years in the future:
"We've found something!" came a cry from the tell.
"What is it?" the supervisor asked, hurrying over. He pulled out a scanner and examined the artefact. His colleagues crowded around his shoulder, examining the data screen.
"Is that... a brain?" One of them asked, after a moment of silence.
"It seems to have been fossilised by the remarkable concentration of super-absorbency tampons in this structure."
"Remarkable," Michael Reeves, the Archaeologist in charge of the dig said in a hushed whisper. "Can we remove it?"
"I think so," was the reply. "We'll have to transport it out directly to the lab though, it's fairly fragile."
"Make it so," said Reeves.
---
In the Anthrax Lab, Cairo, Egypt a red light flashed cheerfully as a fossilised brain materialised on the examination table.
"Right, I want photographs and a thorough analysis before anybody so much as thinks of touching it," snapped the chief technician at Anthrax Labs.
"What's that?" One of the Jr. Techies asked, pointing at the base of the brain.
"It seems to be some kind of writing. Do we have an Old English translator available?"
"Here," said the techie who'd first spotted the writing, handing over the blue hand-held translator.
The Chief Technician waved it over the writing and examined the readout.
"Made of Awesome," she said.
There was a long silence.
"Holyshitit'smadeofawesome!" said the Jr. Technician (who was later confirmed as Mickie's great-great-great-great-great Granddaughter).
END (or is it?)
Mickie:
2 minutes later:
Severus walked into the lab and snatched the petrified brain out of the un-gloved archaeologist's hand. "Just what do you think you're doing?!"
"Don'tbreakit!" Mickie's dysfunctionally excited descendant piped.
"Shut up!" The Head of Slytherin hissed, and then whirled around, his robes flapping ominously as he strode out of the room.
Outside, the TERDIS was waiting for him. Inside, he had managed to recreate Cassie's body as she had been previously.Now that he had her brain, he could reverse the effect of time...
Severus Snape could make people immortal.
For himself, he had some wizarding blood of a very pure line (as well as some that was as bad as Elyria's choice in red wine) so he was bound to stick around for a while.
Everything was going to be great.
Just as Severus Snape entered the TERDIS, something happened. A shadow flitted across the Mickie's ex-lover's face.
"Oh shit." He murmured and drew his wand.
But it was too late.
Cassie:
Cassie's brain looked around as it floated aimlessly. Or, at least, it would have looked around had it been attached to a pair of eyeballs. Unfortunately it wasn't, so Cassie's brain decided to fill in the blanks for itself. It rifled through its filing cabinet, and picked out an idyllic scene which it thought would make an excellent background.
The brain floated in the black hole some more. A dark haired, hook-nosed, disgruntled man floated by, angrily shouting at the brain while trying to keep his robes from flying up in the zero gravity environment. Had Cassie's brain been attached to a pair of eyeballs, it would have been treated with the sight of a pair of "MOST MANLY WIZARD PAGEANT OF 2100" boxers.
Cassie's brain, however, remained delightfully oblivious to all this, and went off to frolic with some sheep.
The dark haired, hook-nosed, disgruntled man floated by again, this time managing to whack the brain over the back of the head. Or what would have been the head had the brain had a head. The filing cabinet in Cassie's brain overturned, and an old and musty manuscript tumbled into the Idyllic scene.
Cassie's brain had only a few moments to register the words Paradise Lost before an angry looking man with a suspicious set of horns and a sharp-looking tail jumped over a nearby fence.
"Bugger," said the brain. Or, it would have said that if it had a mouth with which to say 'bugger'. Instead it just settled for giving a some-what angry flop.
The somewhat angry flop was executed in perfect iambic pentameter, to which the angry looking man with a suspicious set of horns and a sharp-looking tail gleefully tap-danced.
The dark haired, hook-nosed, disgruntled man floated by again, muttering obscenities.
And the darkness closed in on them, like a BLACK HOLE.
Which, oddly enough, it was.
Mickie:
Severus was floating.
..................................the hell? He couldn't swim!
He flailed and waved, gasping for air (of which there was plenty) but rather than rescuing himself, he ended up bonking himself on the nose with his fourth finger on his right hand and getting a nosebleed. He mumbled an incoherent "ow" and then pinched his nose, while fishing in his robes for his wand so he could figure out what the hell was going on.
So that was it. The TERDIS was in outer space. Great.
Cassie's brain was floating around ominously. Severus tried to grab it.
That didn't work. But neither was anything else.
Wait a minute...that breeze...HIS KNICKERS WERE SHOWING!
With one hand tightly smoothing down his flyaway robes, he used the other to both hold his nose and point his wand at the brain.
"Stubeff-fly!" He grumbled, and then he began to laugh. It was absurd. There was the brain of his ex-lover floating around in zero gravity, he flashed a carton of eggnog, and he was rather sleepy.
But where'd the eggnog come from? Severus shrugged and went to pick it up (harder than it looked). Just as he was about to close in on the sweet creamy goodness of lait de poule, a force like a ROCKET thumped hard in the small of his back, knocking him down, down, down until darkness swallowed him into dark darkness.
When Severus awoke, it was to the loud scolding of a toothbrush. "MICKIE?!" Severus fairly shouted, and the annoyed girl folded her arms at him.
"It's Quindichymantullar," the snot replied. "Get a grip."
"What the..."
"Mickie's my grandmum. What are you, her fanboy?"
"Well..."
Quindichymantullar laughed at her own joke. And nearly snorted pumpkin juice out of her nose. Severus winced. Though his nose...it was already healed.
"What am I doing here and where's Cassie's brain?"
"We're doing time travel, dolt. I'm here with my boyfriend Leo, who is Draco's grandson. You know him right?"
"Where's Cassie's brain?"
"Ugh, it's over there in a plastic bag."
"PLASTIC BAG?!"
Once Severus had calmed down, he too was holding a toothbrush and surveying Cassie's once plump, many-folded grey matter. Now it was a brown shriveled sponge thing. No matter, he could reverse time and implant it. And then he'd be made of awesome too!
It was not to be.
A horn sounded in the distance.
"Ai! A Balrog!" A voice squawked.
"What did you say?" Severus demanded.
"A Balrog of Morgoth!"
"WHAT did you say?!"
"For I much desire to speak with him..."
"Oh HELL...The Hobbits The Hobbits The Hobbits The Hobbits to Isengard to Isengard!" Severus bellowed, and knew no more as darkness munched on the edges of his vision and all went dark.
End.
This was in an e-mail, which started with me editing Mickie's essay.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And:
Severus was floating.
..................................the hell? He couldn't swim!
... Now I have an image of Severus doing a very bad doggie paddle in bright orange swim trunks. o_O
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" glubglubglub *hackcoughcoughhack* glubglubglub
"What the hell was that?"
"Oh, it's just Severus taking a bath again."
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE..."
"He sounds like he's in trouble."
"Nah, he's fine."
"I'm DYYYIIIIIINNNNNG"
"... Are you sure?"
"He's always like that."
"MIIICK--" glubglubglub
glub
glub.