Does it have to be this hard?
OMG you know I am on this emotional roller coaster and I have no fucking idea how to get off. I have been in a relationship with this woman for over 12 years, of which we have been married 8 years this past Valentines. We are getting a divorce and everything is going to shit. You know she and I have both had problems communicating with each other over the years and have been thinking about separating and going on our own for a while now. I was stupid enough to mention this to my step-daughter half way through a 12 pack and a communal bitch session about our better halves. I never finished my thoughts beyond the idea of leaving her mother once I was sure that they were ok and able to make it on their own and what not. When my wife got back, they celebrated and around their 2nd 12 pack, my step-daughter decided to bear her soul and relay this 5 second conversation piece and at about 4am that morning my marriage pretty much started its decent.
Now I know you are going to say that it started its decent when I opened my mouth. True true, but the fact of the matter is that I LOVE my wife SOO much that it really hurts. The problem is that she has this deal about focus that just gets the best of me. She also has this obsession with Porn and finding out if I am viewing and harboring it secretly. I am a guy and would once in a while look at porn on our home computer, especially when I was not getting the attention I was desiring from my wife. Unbeknownst by me, I was not the only person viewing "objects of the forbidden" on my home computer. Apparently all three of our then teens had taken turns in our absence and had viewed soo much stuff aside from what I had been able to find, that my wife spend litterally "FOUR DAYS" searching through every single picture, URL and object that was to be found in search of Child Porn or anything worse... if there is something like that. Then she called me on ALL OF IT.
Honestly I didnt know anything about the kids being on there since I had rarely ever seen them on the computer when I was home. I didnt find this out until like 6 months ago in 2007. (this all happened like around 2001)
Now when my wife and I were dating, I had been on the internet and had chatted with a few women and was caught and busted. My fault and i never did it again. Well until we split up in 2004. My wife has a habbit of being kind of forceful and strong willed and would take on this stance that it was her way or the high way and that my options were to "love it or leave it" and well I got to the point where I could not take it anymore and chose to leave it. She had to go to Dallas to finish a contract and we agreed that it might be a good idea to separate. At first it was ok, but as time went on it was harder and harder. I could not handle talking to her and just gave her the cold shoulder basically and really didnt expect her to come back. She did a few times and being near her reminded me of all the things I loved about her dearly, but it was like smelling a rose with thorns, you get pricked and it hurts even though it smells wonderful. She went back and we talked about Divorce, she started dating and actually dated a few people. I have known pretty much for a fact that she actually slept with a previous co-worker while she was there for some time now. I called her on this and she denied it with every ounce of her being. I am pretty sure that this happened a few times if not more, I just kind of know her like that. She is not a slut by any means, but very passionate at times.
Another thing is that she has had her tubes tied, so whomever is lucky enough to experience making love to this woman will "get the gold" (she is not a condom girl and can take what is given with no worries of more children) so I know that this guy basically watered my grass if you will.
She comes back, of course denies having her garden plowed, and find that i have been on myspace. She asks to see myh profile and when I foolishly let her, she sees that what she has been physically doing, I have been doing through email. I flirted with some friendly folk and wrote some thought provoking emails, but never met a single person in person. Everything was just email and flirting. She FLIPPED, kicked my ass out of my apartment and as I was leaving, she grabbed a rock that was at least 10 - 15lbs and threw it at me. Luckily, I dropped my keys as she did this and it hit our neighbors car. I left post haste and didnt talk to her for a week. the neighbor apparently has good insurance and got it taken care of. (I didnt have insurance at the time and barely any money, I owe him big time for being soo cool)
Ok, so we reconciled and things were great, our step-daughter moved in less than a year later with husband, son and little bun in the oven in tow. Neither of them were working and what little money they got went to smokes, and movies. They learned the easy way how hard it is to find a job when you watch movies until 2 - 3am every day. He eventually got tired of doing manual labor and joined the army. We moved into a bigger place and all agreed what it would take from all of us to pay the bills. My wife would get paid $1000 a month for rent and for watching the kids, i would handle 80% of the rent and would take care of the bills. Fast forward a year and I was taking care of all the bills, all of the rent and the $1000 turned to $400 when the kids decided to divorce and he had to pay for a place of his own. My wife decided a little before this that she was going to be the next Internet marketing millionaire and for the next 6 months devoted every ounce of free time to "researching"
She has soo much information that by the time she is done gathering one piece, there is all new info to be had. She could write a book with what she has, but she wont because she has to keep learning. This has systematically driven me crazy. She wants me to get a chair and dive in next to her and start soaking this stuff up, but I cant. I mean I dont work that way. She can research for hours and hours and I seriously think she gets off on it like sex. I cannot do it. I will pass out in minutes, my mind just does not work like that. Have me write a story about something and I can generally get it going in minutes. But this stuff is different.
Ok, so fast forward to "The night" she kicks me out of bed and the next day we talk and AGREE that we are not happy and that maybe we do make better friends apart than together. This was around October.
This last week I moved into my apartment. She got online and through my step-daughters page saw that I have a lot of people as friends. Many are women, but really around half. She freaked and accused me of being secretive and then started asking about friends of mine on my facebook and what not. As the arguement proceeded, she reminded me that I was dishonest and in chatting with women and watching porn I was as good as cheating on her. I replied to her that at least I didnt FUCK someone else while we were still married. She replied to me that she did and then told me that it was her co-worker (who I had known and met and talked with on several occasions)
I had known she had done this with him for some time, but had never had it truly confirmed. I hung up on her. She left me a voicemail that it happened two days before she came home because she had to see if she still had emotions for me and that I should have let her go when i had the chance.
I could not understand why she came back if she was fucking someone, that pretty much tells me that she was not certain at all and had made her decision. She then tried to turn it back and tell me that she could not believe that I really believed she would do that and that she was just telling me that to hurt me and "how does it feel to be hurt like you hurt me"
I told her that what I did in email, she did physically and that I never stuck my dick in anyone. she said that what I was doing was just as bad. yeah, she was trying to make herself feel better about it.
You know, since high school, EVERY SINGLE girl I dated has turned into a slut. I swear, EVERY SINGLE ONE!
The one we were supposed to lose our viriginity together, I couldnt do it because her mother was home and really sick and I was scared of her walking in. She ended up screwing my good friend and several other people over the course of the next several months. After that another was actually screwing several guys while she dated me and though we talked about sex constantly she never let me actually do anything with her other than feel and occasionally manually stimulate her. She actually introduced me to guys she was doing as "old friends"
In college a girl I was dating for a while actually went home with another good friend of mine on the night that we broke up. We had all gone to a club together and I ended up dropping him off at his house and she got off with him. I mean c'mon! Now my wife! She did this to me once before when our relationship was starting out. we were JUST together, but she was stil confused about her ex and during a period of like 2 weeks, he felt the need to "talk" to her and spend time with his kids while she decided who she wanted to be with. yeah, he spent time in her room while the kids were sent to bed and then left first thing in the morning after "talking" all night. I guess I can and cant say much since she swore to both of us that she was not going to fuck either one of us until she made a decision on who she would stay with. pretty sick, but I figure he was fucking her every night and so as to be fair, she fucked me every morning and sometimes during the day. No wonder she was always sleeping, I thought she was depressed, she was probably either worn out or trying to give her privates a rest. She didnt admit to sleeping with him until about a few years ago, about the time we separated and she soon fucked her co-worker. She told me it was only one time, and I scoffed knowing full well that he was there all night every night for about 2 weeks and that she was not that strong to tell him no. Apparently.
But alas, throuogh all of that, I still manage to hold feelings for her and torture myself. My body is definitely telling me something that my heart and mind dont want to hear. The last time she and I "tried" I was just not the life of the party. Honestly, I had been "exhausting" myself in fear that I would not be able to stand my ground while being around her. This is honestly what I was hoping to do and I let my guard down and attemtped to take a nap (seriously) and ended up cuddling with her and the wandering hands went to work, got her worked up and true as can be, I was ready to play ball, but my star pitcher was as interested in the game as kid with a new X-box. This is what sparked the fight that brought out the truth and resulted in her telling me that she was moving back to Dallas and taking our kid.
this hurts the most, not that she will most likely be fucking another guy within days or weeks (oh she told me as I was preparing to leave that once I left, it was done and that there were other interested parties just waiting for the opportunity to date her, and that when she was single she planned on having a great time... see what I mean about my ex's?) I figure that if this is the case, then she has more likely been preparing for this for a while if guys are actually waiting and know that thier time ACTUALLY WILL come. I mean if she was happy or actually felt that we could work, she would have told them to go back off in their own jackyard right? Take hike or get a hobby, but she kept them at bay expecting to get their turn at the ride of the century. Damn, I am soo stupid!!
Well, this has motivated me to start working out, lose weight, save money and start developing my social skills. I have to get over her, and if her theory works that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, then maybe that is what I need to do. You know honestly I just dont know if I have the game for that, I dont want to become one of those men that turns into a woman hater and begins to fuck everything to get over what he could not, or would not keep.
well I start my new job in about a week and a half and I go home to hang with my sister for about 5 days so hopefully that will ease my mind a little. She and I and some friends plan on doing some heavy drinking...
Well that is all my venting for now. I have soo much more to say, but I am shaking right now and want soo much to call and just make her cry and be miserable and I hate being like that. I need some wine and a cigar.
Now I know you are going to say that it started its decent when I opened my mouth. True true, but the fact of the matter is that I LOVE my wife SOO much that it really hurts. The problem is that she has this deal about focus that just gets the best of me. She also has this obsession with Porn and finding out if I am viewing and harboring it secretly. I am a guy and would once in a while look at porn on our home computer, especially when I was not getting the attention I was desiring from my wife. Unbeknownst by me, I was not the only person viewing "objects of the forbidden" on my home computer. Apparently all three of our then teens had taken turns in our absence and had viewed soo much stuff aside from what I had been able to find, that my wife spend litterally "FOUR DAYS" searching through every single picture, URL and object that was to be found in search of Child Porn or anything worse... if there is something like that. Then she called me on ALL OF IT.
Honestly I didnt know anything about the kids being on there since I had rarely ever seen them on the computer when I was home. I didnt find this out until like 6 months ago in 2007. (this all happened like around 2001)
Now when my wife and I were dating, I had been on the internet and had chatted with a few women and was caught and busted. My fault and i never did it again. Well until we split up in 2004. My wife has a habbit of being kind of forceful and strong willed and would take on this stance that it was her way or the high way and that my options were to "love it or leave it" and well I got to the point where I could not take it anymore and chose to leave it. She had to go to Dallas to finish a contract and we agreed that it might be a good idea to separate. At first it was ok, but as time went on it was harder and harder. I could not handle talking to her and just gave her the cold shoulder basically and really didnt expect her to come back. She did a few times and being near her reminded me of all the things I loved about her dearly, but it was like smelling a rose with thorns, you get pricked and it hurts even though it smells wonderful. She went back and we talked about Divorce, she started dating and actually dated a few people. I have known pretty much for a fact that she actually slept with a previous co-worker while she was there for some time now. I called her on this and she denied it with every ounce of her being. I am pretty sure that this happened a few times if not more, I just kind of know her like that. She is not a slut by any means, but very passionate at times.
Another thing is that she has had her tubes tied, so whomever is lucky enough to experience making love to this woman will "get the gold" (she is not a condom girl and can take what is given with no worries of more children) so I know that this guy basically watered my grass if you will.
She comes back, of course denies having her garden plowed, and find that i have been on myspace. She asks to see myh profile and when I foolishly let her, she sees that what she has been physically doing, I have been doing through email. I flirted with some friendly folk and wrote some thought provoking emails, but never met a single person in person. Everything was just email and flirting. She FLIPPED, kicked my ass out of my apartment and as I was leaving, she grabbed a rock that was at least 10 - 15lbs and threw it at me. Luckily, I dropped my keys as she did this and it hit our neighbors car. I left post haste and didnt talk to her for a week. the neighbor apparently has good insurance and got it taken care of. (I didnt have insurance at the time and barely any money, I owe him big time for being soo cool)
Ok, so we reconciled and things were great, our step-daughter moved in less than a year later with husband, son and little bun in the oven in tow. Neither of them were working and what little money they got went to smokes, and movies. They learned the easy way how hard it is to find a job when you watch movies until 2 - 3am every day. He eventually got tired of doing manual labor and joined the army. We moved into a bigger place and all agreed what it would take from all of us to pay the bills. My wife would get paid $1000 a month for rent and for watching the kids, i would handle 80% of the rent and would take care of the bills. Fast forward a year and I was taking care of all the bills, all of the rent and the $1000 turned to $400 when the kids decided to divorce and he had to pay for a place of his own. My wife decided a little before this that she was going to be the next Internet marketing millionaire and for the next 6 months devoted every ounce of free time to "researching"
She has soo much information that by the time she is done gathering one piece, there is all new info to be had. She could write a book with what she has, but she wont because she has to keep learning. This has systematically driven me crazy. She wants me to get a chair and dive in next to her and start soaking this stuff up, but I cant. I mean I dont work that way. She can research for hours and hours and I seriously think she gets off on it like sex. I cannot do it. I will pass out in minutes, my mind just does not work like that. Have me write a story about something and I can generally get it going in minutes. But this stuff is different.
Ok, so fast forward to "The night" she kicks me out of bed and the next day we talk and AGREE that we are not happy and that maybe we do make better friends apart than together. This was around October.
This last week I moved into my apartment. She got online and through my step-daughters page saw that I have a lot of people as friends. Many are women, but really around half. She freaked and accused me of being secretive and then started asking about friends of mine on my facebook and what not. As the arguement proceeded, she reminded me that I was dishonest and in chatting with women and watching porn I was as good as cheating on her. I replied to her that at least I didnt FUCK someone else while we were still married. She replied to me that she did and then told me that it was her co-worker (who I had known and met and talked with on several occasions)
I had known she had done this with him for some time, but had never had it truly confirmed. I hung up on her. She left me a voicemail that it happened two days before she came home because she had to see if she still had emotions for me and that I should have let her go when i had the chance.
I could not understand why she came back if she was fucking someone, that pretty much tells me that she was not certain at all and had made her decision. She then tried to turn it back and tell me that she could not believe that I really believed she would do that and that she was just telling me that to hurt me and "how does it feel to be hurt like you hurt me"
I told her that what I did in email, she did physically and that I never stuck my dick in anyone. she said that what I was doing was just as bad. yeah, she was trying to make herself feel better about it.
You know, since high school, EVERY SINGLE girl I dated has turned into a slut. I swear, EVERY SINGLE ONE!
The one we were supposed to lose our viriginity together, I couldnt do it because her mother was home and really sick and I was scared of her walking in. She ended up screwing my good friend and several other people over the course of the next several months. After that another was actually screwing several guys while she dated me and though we talked about sex constantly she never let me actually do anything with her other than feel and occasionally manually stimulate her. She actually introduced me to guys she was doing as "old friends"
In college a girl I was dating for a while actually went home with another good friend of mine on the night that we broke up. We had all gone to a club together and I ended up dropping him off at his house and she got off with him. I mean c'mon! Now my wife! She did this to me once before when our relationship was starting out. we were JUST together, but she was stil confused about her ex and during a period of like 2 weeks, he felt the need to "talk" to her and spend time with his kids while she decided who she wanted to be with. yeah, he spent time in her room while the kids were sent to bed and then left first thing in the morning after "talking" all night. I guess I can and cant say much since she swore to both of us that she was not going to fuck either one of us until she made a decision on who she would stay with. pretty sick, but I figure he was fucking her every night and so as to be fair, she fucked me every morning and sometimes during the day. No wonder she was always sleeping, I thought she was depressed, she was probably either worn out or trying to give her privates a rest. She didnt admit to sleeping with him until about a few years ago, about the time we separated and she soon fucked her co-worker. She told me it was only one time, and I scoffed knowing full well that he was there all night every night for about 2 weeks and that she was not that strong to tell him no. Apparently.
But alas, throuogh all of that, I still manage to hold feelings for her and torture myself. My body is definitely telling me something that my heart and mind dont want to hear. The last time she and I "tried" I was just not the life of the party. Honestly, I had been "exhausting" myself in fear that I would not be able to stand my ground while being around her. This is honestly what I was hoping to do and I let my guard down and attemtped to take a nap (seriously) and ended up cuddling with her and the wandering hands went to work, got her worked up and true as can be, I was ready to play ball, but my star pitcher was as interested in the game as kid with a new X-box. This is what sparked the fight that brought out the truth and resulted in her telling me that she was moving back to Dallas and taking our kid.
this hurts the most, not that she will most likely be fucking another guy within days or weeks (oh she told me as I was preparing to leave that once I left, it was done and that there were other interested parties just waiting for the opportunity to date her, and that when she was single she planned on having a great time... see what I mean about my ex's?) I figure that if this is the case, then she has more likely been preparing for this for a while if guys are actually waiting and know that thier time ACTUALLY WILL come. I mean if she was happy or actually felt that we could work, she would have told them to go back off in their own jackyard right? Take hike or get a hobby, but she kept them at bay expecting to get their turn at the ride of the century. Damn, I am soo stupid!!
Well, this has motivated me to start working out, lose weight, save money and start developing my social skills. I have to get over her, and if her theory works that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, then maybe that is what I need to do. You know honestly I just dont know if I have the game for that, I dont want to become one of those men that turns into a woman hater and begins to fuck everything to get over what he could not, or would not keep.
well I start my new job in about a week and a half and I go home to hang with my sister for about 5 days so hopefully that will ease my mind a little. She and I and some friends plan on doing some heavy drinking...
Well that is all my venting for now. I have soo much more to say, but I am shaking right now and want soo much to call and just make her cry and be miserable and I hate being like that. I need some wine and a cigar.