Things are Supposed to be better then This
I wish this week was over. Its pretty much my last week of classes which is exciting. I ate dinner with Steve today and it was lovely. Short but lovely. He is a busy boy and I am a lazy girl so things don't always pan out. I miss seeing him. He is such a wonderful boy and I need a gay companion at this school. I had one once a long time ago but its the classic "Your best friend gets a boyfriend" syndrome and leaves his other friends behind because secluding yourself from your friends is the best thing to do. Oh well. Speaking of boyfriends Paul has been killing me lately. Yeah it kinda sucks that he will be reading this but maybe he should. Maybe its easier for me to write things down then to say them. I miss the beginning. We have been only dating like 4 months this time but the extra baggage from the 1st relationship really weighs heavily on this one. I don't want it too but when you go from being the biggest bitch and the most uncaring person in the world to actually changing for someone you love and making it work, you have to step back once and awhile and just take it all in. I hate thinking about the past. I don't regret too many things in my life but the way I handled that relationship in its entirety and the break up of me and Nick are two things I regret. I was young and very stupid and immature. All I wanted was my friends back and to let loose and party even if it included being a skank and a complete lush. I really could have cared less about myself that summer. Looking back on it now its like You are a Fucking Idiot but at the time and up until I got some sense I thought it was the best time of my Life. I like the way I am now. I know how to have fun but I'm smart about it and I don't put myself in uncomfortable situations. This is supposed to be the time in a person's life where you make your mistakes and be a fuck up and a crazy wild drunk. But I don't want that. I hear girls talk about how all college guys are assholes and just want to fool around and leave them. There is no way in hell I would ever want that again. I love being in love. It makes me so happy yet so sad at times. I've been pretty sad lately. I'm happy yes, but something is definitely wrong.
I can't really pinpoint it. It's so hard for me. I think I overthink everything. Most girls would be really happy in my shoes. I hate fighting like we have been married for 10 years. Nicole has the same problem right now. Its easy talking to her. I really try hard not to fight anymore cause once it starts I know how mean I can get. And I won't stop I will keep saying whatever is possible to hurt the other person.
Sometimes Paul seems like he wants to fight with me. I try to stop but once I feel pushed or disrespected I'm gonna go off. I know he is fragile too and sometimes I use that to my advantage in fights. Isn't that awful of me? Aren't I an awful person?
Sometimes I think I should be alone for the rest of my life. I can't take being ignored, I can't stand being told what to do and it's hard for me to share my life with someone else. So I'm pretty much a brat. I can't handle myself most of the time. I don't understand how anyone would want to be with me the way Paul does cause I don't even want to be me most of the time. He doesn't understand that, most people don't. I'm not fishing for compliments either cause they don't really help me. I mean they are appreciated always but when you feel like this the last thing you want to hear is how great you are. I know I'm a shitty girlfriend but I'm really trying to be a good one but apparently its not working. I just want to be Happy again and I want to make you Happy again.
I can't really pinpoint it. It's so hard for me. I think I overthink everything. Most girls would be really happy in my shoes. I hate fighting like we have been married for 10 years. Nicole has the same problem right now. Its easy talking to her. I really try hard not to fight anymore cause once it starts I know how mean I can get. And I won't stop I will keep saying whatever is possible to hurt the other person.
Sometimes Paul seems like he wants to fight with me. I try to stop but once I feel pushed or disrespected I'm gonna go off. I know he is fragile too and sometimes I use that to my advantage in fights. Isn't that awful of me? Aren't I an awful person?
Sometimes I think I should be alone for the rest of my life. I can't take being ignored, I can't stand being told what to do and it's hard for me to share my life with someone else. So I'm pretty much a brat. I can't handle myself most of the time. I don't understand how anyone would want to be with me the way Paul does cause I don't even want to be me most of the time. He doesn't understand that, most people don't. I'm not fishing for compliments either cause they don't really help me. I mean they are appreciated always but when you feel like this the last thing you want to hear is how great you are. I know I'm a shitty girlfriend but I'm really trying to be a good one but apparently its not working. I just want to be Happy again and I want to make you Happy again.