Time to let this pass. The time it takes, the time it takes, to let go...
What are we gonna do? THE TREES ARE GIVING UP ON US.
I wrote a big long update yesterday, but it got delated, so lets try this again. Geoff Rickley's voice just makes me feel so good. This is one of the few bands i can honestly say i will love forever. Even if they sell out (like they almost did, before going on "hiatus"), they're old albums will still mean the world to me. If i was dying their songs would be the last words i would want to hear before i left the world.
I'm falling down I'm falling down
And you're not there to break my fall
I shut my eyes when you're around
I hold my breath to kill the sound
I'm falling down I'm falling down
And you're not here to catch my fall
I shut my eyes when you're around
I hold my breath to kill the sound
I'm falling down I'm falling down
And you're not here to catch my fall.
-Thursday, How Long is the Night
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On to other matters, my mom finally went to my therapist. They talked things out and dealt with my problems and hers. Shes going to go on medication soon. Finally, my mom might be the way she used to be again. Or at least better. They also figured out a "plan of action" for my medicines. I'm going to see a new doctor(horray..pfft) Thursday morning. He's not a normal psychiatrist though, he's a Pyschopharmachologist(wow that's a long word and i'm pretty sure i spelled it wrong), which basically means he is a pysch. but focuses on the medication and chemistry aspect of the whole deal. So he REALLY knows his medicines, and maybe he can finally get me on some stuff that works. They were going to put me on Lithium (last doctor) but my mom wouldn't let them and she started prescribing me medicines herself sort of..telling me what to take. She got a good slap on the wrist for that from my doctor, thank god. I was talking to a girl i know (no names needed) who used to take Lithium and she told me that it basically erased all her emotions. She wasn't really sad anymore but she never got really happy either. It may sound crazy, but that's EXACTLY what I want. My emotions are so intense, even I can't handle them. So how can i expect anyone else to? How can i ever expect to make close friends or a boyfriend that loves me the way i am or..fucking get married? I never really get happy anyways. When great things happen to me, i just sort of, fake a response. Sure my brain tells me "this is great i am so happy" but i can't show it and i can't physically feel it, the chemicals in my brain dont release endorphins and adrenaline and all that stuff it should, i don't even smile half the time. I barely responded when i got into UVM. But i am and was happy about it. I do, on the other hand, get sad. I get really sad. I'll be driving in my car, to wherever, and burst out into tears. Sometimes for reasons known, but a lot of the time for unknown reasons. I do it in school sometimes, which everyone saw the other day. But usually i manage to hide it or make it to the bathroom before anyone notices. Sometimes theres no tears, which is usually a lot worse. Just this horrible nagging grinding pain all over. And i can barely move there is such a huge weight on my shoulders. I just lay in bed. I sleep. I always sleep. I used to be an insomniac, now i am a hypersomniac (which means i sleep too much). But i still get sleeping pills because i have a hard time sleeping all night without constatnly waking up from nightmares. I have all night. Every night. The sleeping pills give me weird, trippy dreams, but not usually nightmares. So anyways, maybe i'll finally get some help from this guy. As for my physical sickness, it's here again, and I just sort of give up. It won't kill me. And the doctors don't get it. No thyroid disease was in the blood tests. No mono. Nothing. Oh well. The shit sucks though. luckily its not around constantly.
On to more news, i took advice from olivia, and wrote a letter to him. Basically a goodbye letter. It turned out too long, and too harsh, and it still is both after me editing it a little. I haven't given it to him (which i'll probably just IM or e-mail to him anyways) because i'm not really ready. I know it'll barely phase him. Maybe just make him laugh. I got really upset in school friday, like i said. And i had to do something about it. The weekend was fun. Friday crystal, jason, jess, and jay's friend and i went to camden for Taste of Chaos concert, which was fun. Lots of hot guys and good music. We left early and went back to princeton (got there extremely quickly thanks to Jay's driving skills...and got to the concert in very funny ways which included cutting across 7 lanes thanks to crystal's wonderful driving..hah), we went to loel's party which was crowded but alright. Then i went to casey's although i wasn't sure i wanted to. She let me sleep there cos i really needed a place to sleep, which was very nice of her. Saturday i dont remember what i did. But at night i went to Kyle's and he had some people over and i stayed up the entire night with jess and him. Sunday i lounged around, drank a bottle of wine, watched two movies with my dogs, etc. cos my mom was in NYC with Jack all day. I've become more partial to wine. It tastes like ass but once you get going the taste isn't as bad and the drunk is a warm tingly happy one. Anyways, time to go eat a salad. yum.
I will never sleep again. I'll never even close my eyes.