Part One: "Just Let Me Be. I Don't Rush You. Just Let Me Be"
Category: Life
it's about time for me to face the things i've done, the things that have been done to me, and the people who've done them. i've realised that there are people and things holding me back and a few that are trying to push me forward.
this is not me. this is not the way i am.
sad, depressed, lonely, afraid. this is not me.
you all know me, or you think you do. you know the silly girl who messes around all the time and tells really bad jokes, just to see other people laugh at her. i love making people laugh, it's one of the only ways i can make myself happy. i wish you all knew how hard it is for me to put on that stupid show. why can't i be really happy? i think i have realised a few reasons. feel free to comment if you like.
i have so much to hold onto. i am afraid of hurting people. i can't tell the people that love me that i don't love them anymore. one ex-boyfriend is one of them. i love you. i love you the way i love my oldest friends. it's a love that will never go away, never leave my heart. i have a special place for you there, but the ways you hurt me can never be repaired. you broke my heart for the first time, and i've managed to scramble to find the crushed and broken pieces and i've tried to fix it, but there are pieces that are lost forever. broken forever. this is so painful for me to say, or even think about because the memories of the happiness and love come flooding back. but it's a false feeling of happiness, because it could never exist anymore. no matter how much either of us wants that. it's over. and that hurts.
i have a problem with getting myself into hurtful situations. boyfriends with girlfriends in california, falling for the guy across the country, dating the guys at work. the balance is surreal. the surreal part is how the balance can never be balanced. it's the seesaw of life, and i keep getting cherry bombed.
to the guy at work: you knew i always had a thing for you, didn't you? we'd converse with lines from Anchorman and joke around all the time. things were easy, and they got better when i left work to go to school. there wasn't the burden of 'coworkers' anymore. so we had our fling and remember when you called me every night to talk about what you'd been thinking about lately? i loved those calls. talking to you was so funny because we come from two completely different backgrounds. the sleepovers were great because there wasn't ever any pressure to do anything, you just let me fall asleep. then remember that last night we were together? you kissed me goodbye and told me to call you when i got home safely? it's funny that you pretended like you cared, because that was the last time i ever heard from you. and you'd think that since we work together again that you would have the decency to acknowledge my existance. but i guess that's asking too much.
and how about you, mr. corone? myspace crushes? how many are there? it's a never ending circle with you. i never knew what i was getting into when i met you. you talked and talked about how you wanted to hang out and then we finally did, but who was there that first night i came over? who was sitting on your couch when i walked in the door? that's right. your ex girlfriend. or girlfriend. i can't keep tabs anymore. it's like a traffic light with you. you've played red light/green light, haven't you? well i put up with your charades for the longest time. because you made me feel like someone special. because we COULD talk about things. like what we wanted out of life, friends, relationships, whatever. there was never an awkward moment. until it got awkward. you know, it's taken a while, but i think i'm finally over it. because the only person who's getting screwed over now is you. and you're doing it to yourself. i was about to say that i feel bad for your exgirlfriend/girlfriend, but i changed my mind. she's stupid for sticking around. she deserves it. i didn't.
and that boy across the country. i'm sorry. i'm sorry because i know how badly i treated you this summer. when you needed someone the most i ignored your phone calls. i can't believe you still consider me a friend. but i am thankful for the days we spent together and wish the occasion occurred on a more regular basis. you put up with so much of my bullshit. words can't express the gratitude i feel towards you. when i wouldn't answer the phone for a week or two you left me voicemail after voicemail asking me to please just to tell you what's wrong, to talk to you because you needed someone, and at the end of each message you would tell me to have a better day than you were having. and the cruelty i displayed is unreal. even when i was obviously not answering the phone, you, of all people, said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me before:
"Lord knows i know what trouble and hurt feels like and i wouldn't want to cause it to anybody, especially you, because you're such a beautiful thing, you are. such a dear friend."
for doubting your friendship, i am eternally sorry. i have so little friends that i guess it's hard for me to recognise the real ones from the ones that come and go like seagulls at my lunch on the beach. i know it's stupid for me to want more from you and i can't explain what it is about you that's fascinating. you showed me the greatest time ever this christmas, and i hated leaving. i know now that i should have listened to you when you told me not to get on the bus to go home. we could have spent a little more time together, taking pictures in dumb places and living on the edge in service elevators older than my grandma. there is so much more to say to you, but i don't think i can now.
i can't stop crying because of the pain i've felt over the past year. it's all hitting me so hard right now, i need a way out. i need to leave this all behind.
and to all of you: i'm sorry for the facade. please understand that i do it for you, not me. i thrive off of your happiness.
it's about time for me to face the things i've done, the things that have been done to me, and the people who've done them. i've realised that there are people and things holding me back and a few that are trying to push me forward.
this is not me. this is not the way i am.
sad, depressed, lonely, afraid. this is not me.
you all know me, or you think you do. you know the silly girl who messes around all the time and tells really bad jokes, just to see other people laugh at her. i love making people laugh, it's one of the only ways i can make myself happy. i wish you all knew how hard it is for me to put on that stupid show. why can't i be really happy? i think i have realised a few reasons. feel free to comment if you like.
i have so much to hold onto. i am afraid of hurting people. i can't tell the people that love me that i don't love them anymore. one ex-boyfriend is one of them. i love you. i love you the way i love my oldest friends. it's a love that will never go away, never leave my heart. i have a special place for you there, but the ways you hurt me can never be repaired. you broke my heart for the first time, and i've managed to scramble to find the crushed and broken pieces and i've tried to fix it, but there are pieces that are lost forever. broken forever. this is so painful for me to say, or even think about because the memories of the happiness and love come flooding back. but it's a false feeling of happiness, because it could never exist anymore. no matter how much either of us wants that. it's over. and that hurts.
i have a problem with getting myself into hurtful situations. boyfriends with girlfriends in california, falling for the guy across the country, dating the guys at work. the balance is surreal. the surreal part is how the balance can never be balanced. it's the seesaw of life, and i keep getting cherry bombed.
to the guy at work: you knew i always had a thing for you, didn't you? we'd converse with lines from Anchorman and joke around all the time. things were easy, and they got better when i left work to go to school. there wasn't the burden of 'coworkers' anymore. so we had our fling and remember when you called me every night to talk about what you'd been thinking about lately? i loved those calls. talking to you was so funny because we come from two completely different backgrounds. the sleepovers were great because there wasn't ever any pressure to do anything, you just let me fall asleep. then remember that last night we were together? you kissed me goodbye and told me to call you when i got home safely? it's funny that you pretended like you cared, because that was the last time i ever heard from you. and you'd think that since we work together again that you would have the decency to acknowledge my existance. but i guess that's asking too much.
and how about you, mr. corone? myspace crushes? how many are there? it's a never ending circle with you. i never knew what i was getting into when i met you. you talked and talked about how you wanted to hang out and then we finally did, but who was there that first night i came over? who was sitting on your couch when i walked in the door? that's right. your ex girlfriend. or girlfriend. i can't keep tabs anymore. it's like a traffic light with you. you've played red light/green light, haven't you? well i put up with your charades for the longest time. because you made me feel like someone special. because we COULD talk about things. like what we wanted out of life, friends, relationships, whatever. there was never an awkward moment. until it got awkward. you know, it's taken a while, but i think i'm finally over it. because the only person who's getting screwed over now is you. and you're doing it to yourself. i was about to say that i feel bad for your exgirlfriend/girlfriend, but i changed my mind. she's stupid for sticking around. she deserves it. i didn't.
and that boy across the country. i'm sorry. i'm sorry because i know how badly i treated you this summer. when you needed someone the most i ignored your phone calls. i can't believe you still consider me a friend. but i am thankful for the days we spent together and wish the occasion occurred on a more regular basis. you put up with so much of my bullshit. words can't express the gratitude i feel towards you. when i wouldn't answer the phone for a week or two you left me voicemail after voicemail asking me to please just to tell you what's wrong, to talk to you because you needed someone, and at the end of each message you would tell me to have a better day than you were having. and the cruelty i displayed is unreal. even when i was obviously not answering the phone, you, of all people, said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me before:
"Lord knows i know what trouble and hurt feels like and i wouldn't want to cause it to anybody, especially you, because you're such a beautiful thing, you are. such a dear friend."
for doubting your friendship, i am eternally sorry. i have so little friends that i guess it's hard for me to recognise the real ones from the ones that come and go like seagulls at my lunch on the beach. i know it's stupid for me to want more from you and i can't explain what it is about you that's fascinating. you showed me the greatest time ever this christmas, and i hated leaving. i know now that i should have listened to you when you told me not to get on the bus to go home. we could have spent a little more time together, taking pictures in dumb places and living on the edge in service elevators older than my grandma. there is so much more to say to you, but i don't think i can now.
i can't stop crying because of the pain i've felt over the past year. it's all hitting me so hard right now, i need a way out. i need to leave this all behind.
and to all of you: i'm sorry for the facade. please understand that i do it for you, not me. i thrive off of your happiness.